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By James and Janet Lehman MSWs, creators of
Audio Transcript
Keep Your Child&s Eyes on the Prize
You&re listening to an audio excerpt from James Lehman&s Total Transformation program, a parent&s program for managing challenging behaviors in children.
For more information on how to qualify for your FREE Total Transformation program, visit .
L: James, you mentioned accountability.
Creating a culture of accountability.
What does that mean?
Can you explain that and how, what it means to parents and kids.
J: First of all, when we start with accountability, one of the things that I talk to teachers and parents about is creating a culture of accountability.
And that culture of accountability occurs between two people.
So when we talk about what&s on TV, what they&re learning in the movies, what their video games is, that, that&s fine.
But the culture of accountability comes with, this is how I&m gonna talk to you and this is how you have to talk to me.
This is what I&m gonna expect of you and this is what you can expect of me.
That&s very clearly learned out.
That you&re accountable for the way you talk to me and treat me.
You&re accountable for your responsibilities and you can expect me to take responsibility to be accountable for my responsibilities.
I&m gonna pay the rent, I&m gonna have food on the table, I&m gonna make sure that we have a place to live.
You have to talk to me appropriately, you have to do your schoolwork and you have to learn how to solve life&s problems without hurting other people.
MG: I think it&s important to note James that a culture of accountability isn&t just a parent child thing.
We even as adults ne we are accountable every day to someone.
J: That&s right, well, I don&t think people are accountable to a culture.
I think that that develops between people.
Between individual people and groups.
So even personal relationships and work relationships.
I&m accountable to that job.
I&m accountable to my role in that business.
I&m accountable to that business. They&re gonna pay me, that&s what I expect of them, they expect me to do the role that they defined for me.
They also expect me to do it with some quality and some efficiency.
MG: So as a parent, what you&re setting your child up for by expecting him to be accountable to you is the whole mindset that you will always be accountable to someone.
This is a coping skill.
This is a problem solving skill you have to learn.
J: Absolutely.
Look, when you hold your child accountable, when you develop that culture of accountability, you as a parent have a responsibility to teach that child to acquire the skills he&s gonna need to be able to be accountable.
People who can&t be accountable for their homework disrespect other people.
People who can&t be accountable for their behavior turn it around and challenge you and act out.
So when you&re having a culture of accountability, there&s a two&way thing. I expect you to do the right thing and you can expect me to teach you how to do the right thing.
MG: So my job as a parent then is to set specific standards, to set specific goals, to set attainable landmarks that a child can say, if I do this, I become accountable. If I do this, I&m behaving responsibly.
J: Yeah, it&s not only setting goals.
It&s giving the skills to reach the goal.
So let&s say I&m a parent and my goal is that you&re gonna sink five throws from the free throw line in basketball out of ten.
Well I just can&t put you up there with a ball and tell you do it, that&s my goal.
I&ve gotta show you how to do it.
I&ve gotta show you how you place your feet, how you place your arms.
How you propel the ball.
I&ve gotta spend some time practicing with you.
I&ve gotta show you how to do these things and I&ve gotta practice them.
So it&s not setting the goals, it&s giving the kid the skills.
Acquiring the skills yourself for an understanding of what it takes.
Using the tools and using the skills.
For more information on how to qualify for your FREE Total Transformation program, visit .
James Lehman, MSW
Child Behavior Therapist
James Lehman had a very personal understanding of kids with behavior problems. He displayed severe oppositional, defiant behaviors as a child and teenager, and became a Behavioral Therapist specializing in helping troubled children, teens and their families for 30 years.
Janet Lehman, MSW
Child Behavior Therapist
Janet Lehman has over three decades of clinical experience working with out&of&control children and teens and their parents. Working in group homes and residential treatment centers, Janet helped children with serious behavioral disorders learn to get their behavior under control.
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Why You Should Let Your Child Fail The Benefits of Natural Consequences
Watching your child fail makes you feel helpless, angry and sad. You worry about everything from your child&s self-esteem and social development to their future success. James Lehman explains that while it&s natural for parents to worry about failure, there are times when it can be productive for kids&and a chance for them to change.
"Failure is an opportunity to get your child to look at himself."
Parents tell me all the time that they fear their child will fail in life. When I ask them what specifically they&re afraid of their child failing, usually it&s school-related&a certain subject, or perhaps a grade level. The thinking of most parents is, once you start , it&s hard to catch up. For many parents, it creates a crisis in the family when their child fails in a subject or gets bad grades. And I understand that.
I&d like to talk about the word &crisis& for a minute. It&s often stated that the Chinese symbol for &crisis& is a combination of the symbols for &danger& and &opportunity.& I think that parents see the danger part very clearly in a crisis, but often they don&t see the opportunity: your child has the opportunity to learn an important lesson. The lesson might be about the true cost of cutting corners, what happens when he doesn&t do his best at something, or what the real consequences are for not being productive. It might be a chance for your child to learn the cost of misleading and lying to his parents about how much work he&s actually done or what grades he&s receiving. I think if your child misleads and he gets a failing grade, that&s the natural
and he should experience the discomfort of his choices.
Many of the parents I see are uncomfortable with this at first. Instead of allowing their child to fail, they try to get the teacher to change the grade. Believe me, if a parent is in the martyr role, they&re going to go up and fight for their child in school&and they&re going to believe they&re right. But sadly, what their child is going to learn is that they don&t have to take responsibility for their ineffective behavior&that somebody else is going to fight for them. Let me be clear: when you try to change the actions of people around your child so he won&t feel disappointed or upset, your child is not going to learn the lesson you imagine he&s going to learn. And not only that, he&s also not going to learn math, or science, or whatever it is he&s been avoiding. Worst of all, he&s not even going to learn to not be duplicitous in the future. What he is going to learn is that &It&s OK. If I screw up enough, Mom will take care of it.& Or &Dad has more power than the teacher, so he can take care of it.&
Once again we see the danger of your child thinking that power can solve his problems. When that conclusion is made, he learns that power can replace responsibility. In a healthier equation, schoolwork problems are dealt with by the child who gradually takes more responsibility in doing his homework. The power emanates from the responsibility-taking. But if a parent goes and fights with the school and gets the teacher to change the grade, then the power is coming from the wrong place. Your child is going to learn that power trumps responsibility. In fact, he will learn that the power of being manipulative and threatening is more valuable than actually being accountable and doing the work competently.
Many parents have reasons to justify their defense of their child. They may cite the unfairness of the school system, their child&s learning difficulties or , the principal&s attitude, or the prior history of their child at the school. I understand that those things can be very real. It&s easier to fight with the teacher than it is to fight with your child. It&s just that simple. And it&s easier to change the teacher&or even the school rules&than to get your child to change.
I think if your child didn&t do his homework, ignored a project that was due, or lied and misled you or his teacher, the fact remains that it&s his responsibility to experience the natural consequences of his actions. And the biggest consequence is that your child has failed. To me, this is not the end of the world, it&s a lesson, just like anything else designed to help him see that he&s not making the grade. Receiving a failing grade is a gauge of how he&s doing, and if he&s failed something, he needs to solve the problem responsibly.
A word about lying: another thing you should ask yourself is if your child is being dishonest or manipulative about his homework, what else is he being dishonest and manipulative about? And when he&s supposed to be studying after school, what is he really doing? This opens up other questions because we know if somebody is duplicitous in one area, that behavior can spread to other areas quickly. Failing a subject in school is one thing, sudden changes in performance across the board is another.
I believe if your child fails a subject or even fails the year, if you&re addressing the problem, you&re starting to solve it. It&s an opportunity to get your child to make some changes. Failure is an opportunity to get your child to look at himself. Part of parents& sensitivity to this is that if their child fails, they feel like they&ve failed, too. So they&re hyper-sensitive to that, and I understand. It&s tough to be a parent who works hard and does the best he or she can, and then have your kids fail. You want to say, &What more can I do?& But the question really is, &What more can my child do?& It&s not &What am I not doing as a parent?& It&s &What is he not doing as a student?& That&s the right question to ask yourself.
The Benefits of Letting Your Child Feel Discomfort
I think when we talk about failure and what your child can learn from it, we&re really talking about the benefits of allowing your child to feel discomfort. And when I say discomfort, I mean worry, fear, disappointment, and the experience of having consequences for your actions. I think instinctively parents really don&t want their kids to feel uncomfortable about anything, even when they know that sometimes it&s beneficial for their child to pay a price for their choices. And so some parents will fight at the school, they will fight with other parents, they will fight with their kids. They will fight with anybody to claim their child&s right to never feel uncomfortable.
Somehow in our culture, protecting your child from discomfort&and the pain of disappointment&has become associated with effective parenting. The idea seems to be that if your child suffers any discomfort or the normal pain associated with growing up, there&s something you&re not doing as a parent. Personally, I think that&s a dangerous trap parents fall into. While I don&t think situations should be sought out where a child is uncomfortable, I do think if that child is uncomfortable because of some natural situation or consequence, you should not interfere.
Look at it this way: when a child is feeling upset, frustrated,
or sad, they&re in a position to develop some important coping skills. The first thing they learn is to avoid similar situations. So if your child is called on in class to answer a homework question and he didn&t do it, he can learn to avoid that by doing his homework&not by having his mother tell the teacher not to call on him anymore because it makes him feel bad.
The other thing that happens is that your child builds up a tolerance for discomfort, an emotional callous, if you will, and I think that&s very valuable. Discomfort is such a part of our life, whether you&re squeezed into a subway car, waiting in line at the supermarket, or passed over for a promotion. Everyone experiences difficult things from time to time, which will make you uncomfortable and frustrated. It&s so important for your child to be able to learn how to manage those situations and to develop a tolerance for them. And make no mistake, if he doesn&t learn to tolerate discomfort, he&s going to be a very frustrated adolescent and adult.
So I advise parents to let your kid wait in line&don&t try to figure out how to cut ahead. When your child is starting to get frustrated, point it out. You can say, &Yeah, I know it&s frustrating to wait, but this is the way we have to do it.& Suggest a coping skill.
When you shield your child from discomfort, what he learns is that he should never have to feel anything unpleasant in life. He develops a . He learns that he doesn&t really have to be prepared in school, because his parents will complain to the teacher, who will stop calling on him or expecting his homework to be in on time. He learns that his parents will raise the tolerance for deviance. If his parents are successful, the teacher will tolerate less compliance from him because of his parents& intervention. He learns to confront a problem with power rather than dealing with it through responsibility and acceptance.
How to Talk to Your Child about Failing: 3 Questions Parents Should Ask
Whether dealing with feelings of discomfort or feelings of failure, there are three simple questions parents can ask their child.
1. &What part did you play in this?&
That&s what you want your child to learn, because that&s all he can change. The lesson stems from there. Your child might say, &I don&t know what part I played, Dad.& You can respond by saying, &Well, let&s think about it. Where did you get off track? Where did things go wrong for you?& If your child doesn&t know, you can say, &Well, it seems to me you got off track when you didn&t have your homework ready when your teacher called on you. The part you played was not being prepared. And the solution to that is getting prepared.& Your child may agree with you, or he may try to offer some defense. But any defense that&s offered is not going to be legitimate as long as you&re speaking in the context of &What part did you play?& You just need to point out, &Well, it seems to me like you&re making an excuse for not having your homework done.& Or &Seems to me you&re blaming me for not having your homework done.& Or &It looks to me like you&re blaming your teacher for not having your homework done.&&whatever the case may be.
2. &What are you going to do differently next time?&
So it&s, &What are you going to do differently the next time when you have to do your homework?& Or &What are you going to do differently next time so that if your teacher calls on you, you won&t get embarrassed?& Or &What are you going to do differently next time to pass the test?& This is a big question in this conversation with your child, because it gets him to see other, healthier ways of responding to the problem.
3. &What did you learn from this?&
&What did you learn from being embarrassed when your teacher called on you?& &What did you learn from not passing the test?& Put the responsibility back on your child. If you take his responsibility over, it&s just going to become a power struggle. With all the problems that exist in education today, the last thing you need is to be in a power struggle with your child&s teacher.
Now you may say, &Well you don&t understand, my child&s teacher is different.& I do understand that. There are effective teachers and ineffective teachers. But let me ask you this: when is your child going to learn to deal with ineffective teachers? Where do you think your child is going to learn to deal with injustice? Part of learning&for everyone&involves feeling uncomfortable at times. Part of loving your child responsibly means that you need to let him feel discomfort, and even fail, as long as he&s learning how to be accountable for his actions in the process.
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James Lehman, MSW was a renowned child behavioral therapist who worked with
and children for three decades. He created the
to help people parent more effectively. James' foremost goal was to help kids and to "empower parents."
READER'S COMMENTS
Comment By : Dede
Comment By : ChrisR
Comment By : twinny mommy
Comment By : Angel
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Comment By : Jill
Comment By : Frustrated Mom
Comment By : Stormy Lynn
Comment By : Lord help us all
Comment By : Stormy Lynn
* Dear ?Dede? and others who responded:
You ask a good question here, and it is clearly one that a lot of other EP readers can relate to! In this article James is addressing parents who find themselves in the ?martyr role?; the need to rescue their children from any difficult situation.
What you are asking is slightly different, though. You are asking about how to make your child care. What should we do if the natural consequences seem to have no effect on our child? This is a really tough question, and one that we get a lot on the Support Line this time of year. The short answer is that you can?t *make* your child care. We can?t make another person feel a certain way. Your child might not care about school. ?Stormy Lynn? makes a really good point here that sometimes kids ARE motivated, but they are motivated to do what they feel like doing at the time instead of what they should be doing.
Sometimes because children are so short-sighted, natural consequences are scarier to us than they are to them. Don?t focus on that.
Instead try to focus on what is moti use consequences and privileges to motivate your child to make better choices. Here is a great EP article that addresses the struggle for parents when
-- this article also gives many helpful suggestions.
Additionally, read this article on
and this one on . These articles address some of the other issues that have been raised. Please feel free to give us a call at the support line to talk about how to work with the Total Transformation Tools for your specific situation. Remember what James says: "Even though you can lead a horse to water, you can?t make it drink, but you so the work isn?t ?how do I make him drink? but instead ?how do I make him thirsty??"
Comment By : Becky, Parental Support Line Advisor
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Comment By : Jan in AZ
Comment By : godliness
Comment By : Carl in PA
Comment By : TnTmom
Comment By : help in MN
* Dear ?help in MN?:
James Lehman, author of the Total Transformation program discusses kids who use ?Anger with an Angle? in Lesson 1. These kids use their anger to get you to ?back off? or to not approach them at all. They train others to avoid making them angry -- making you ?walk on egg shells? so you don?t upset them. Don?t allow your granddaughter?s attitude to stop you from setting appropriate limits and house rules. Structure a specific study time for homework, and keep the house quiet and free of distractions at that time. Don?t schedule study time right before bed because you want her to be able to earn privileges that evening if she has studied. If she will not spend time studying, she has lost privileges that evening but has the opportunity to try again the next day. Also, ask her to study in a public place, such as the kitchen table. James Lehman says that kids who have failing grades have lost the privilege of studying ?wherever? and ?whenever? they feel like it -- but they can earn that privilege back by bringing up their grades. Call us here on the Support Line and let us give you encouragement and even more ideas on using the techniques from the Total Transformation program.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : KP
* Dear ?KP?:
James Lehman would agree with you that parents should request that learning difficulties be thoroughly assessed so there is a clear expectation of the student?s performance based on what the child is capable of doing. Sometimes you have to be a persistent advocate for your child before he receives the accommodations he needs.
In this article James is talking about situations where a child is choosing not to do his work.
All children need to do their part.
James says that it?s your job and the teacher?s job to ?teach?, but it?s the student?s job to ?learn?.
If a child did not spend adequate time and effort on his homework, ignored projects that were due, or lied and misled his parents or his teachers, and as a result he failed, it can be a wake up call to the child that their actions?or lack of actions?have real world consequences.
He may no longer be able to attend classes with his classmates or may have to spend part of his summer in summer school.
Failing can also be a catalyst for the parents, causing them to contact the school to determine what help is needed and what the school can offer.
What James cautions here is if your child has failed, don?t go to any lengths to bail your kid out by trying to get the teacher to change a grade or give make-up work.
If you do, one of the lessons your child will learn is that he is not personally responsible?that his failing is something the adults should be fixing for him.
Thanks for your remarks.
You brought up some important points to consider.
We wish you and your son success as you continue your work together.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : momslaw
* Dear ?momslaw?:
You?re right.
It?s not a simple matter to make changes.
Although the steps can be simple, implementing them can be hard.
It can take time and repetition for new behaviors to set-in, especially if you are changing long-term habits.
Teens often get the idea in their head that they are too old now to be told what to do.
But they are wrong, of course.
(Adults have to follow rules too.)
Because of the way teens think, it can be pointless spending time to convince them to see things your way.
Instead, just state your house rules.
Don?t change the rules simply because your son is not happy with them.
You might say, ?I see that it?s frustrating for you.
How can you help yourself pull this off??
You mentioned that until last year you were rescuing him.
Sometimes we start rescuing our kids because we don?t want them to feel badly.
It?s hard to bear it when our kids are distressed but that?s not a good reason to rescue them from the consequences of their choices.
Plus we could be teaching our kids that ?if you?re helpless, someone else will solve your problems?.
Or worse, that you rescue them because you don?t believe they?re capable of doing things on their own. When it comes to school work, there are parts of it that a teen is completely responsible for and parts where parents play a role.
The teen is in control of ?learning the lessons? and the parent controls the ?structure? around homework time.
Don?t be influenced by his comments that you have no role in how he behaves around homework and don?t be discouraged that he ?doesn?t care?.
We all need to learn to do what we?re supposed to do--even if we don?t feel like it.
Call us here on the Support Line.
We?d be glad to continue to talk with you and give you more ideas on using the techniques in James Lehman?s Total Transformation Program.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : rothfan71
* Dear ?rothfan71?:
We?re sorry to hear that your family is going through this.
It?s pretty tough on kids growing up in homes with domestic violence but it?s important not to excuse your son when he behaves inappropriately.
Regardless of how tough it was for him, it?s not okay for your son to use intimidation and anger to manipulate you.
Author of the Total Transformation Program, James Lehman, calls this using ?Anger with an Angle.?
James says that these kids use their anger to get you to ?back off? or to not approach them at all.
They train others to avoid making them angry?making you ?walk on egg shells? so you don?t upset them.
But don?t allow your son?s attitude or intimidations stop you from setting appropriate limits and house rules.
There are two articles that may be helpful for you:
"Anger with an Angle": Is Your Child Using Anger to Control You? /Anger-with-an-Angle-Is-Your-Child-Using-Anger-to-Control-You.php
and How to Give Kids Consequences That Work
/How-to-Give-Kids-Consequences-That-Work.php
We thank you for your question and send our best wishes to your family.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : mammak
Comment By : Diane
* Dear ?mammak?: You do want to ask your child to ?do their best?.
Whether for your son ?doing his best? means getting ?C?s? or getting ?B?s? should be determined by understanding his capabilities.
If you?re having difficulties determining what level work to expect from him, ask his teachers for their assessments.
If it is reasonable to expect him to get ?C?s?, he?s doing his homework and maintaining a ?C? average, there is no need to micro-manage his homework.
James Lehman would say that he has figured out how to do his homework on his own.
If he is not working up to his potential, set up a homework structure that requires him to spend time doing homework each day before he earn privileges.
Read this article for information on how to structure homework:
We hope this was helpful and invite you to keep in touch.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Comment By : Frustrated Grandma
* Dear ?Frustrated Grandma?: It sounds like your family has certainly been through a lot. It is not at all uncommon for 2 year olds to hit and scream, whether it?s directed towards adults and other children. James Lehman felt that children act out because they lack the skills it takes to solve their problems effectively. A 2 year-old quite likely lacks the skills to talk about and express frustration appropriately, or to verbally communicate with another child that she would like that toy back for example. I would like to refer you to an article by Dr. Joan Simeo Munson about . I think you will find it very helpful. Also, try not to assume that this behavior means that your grandchild is going down the same path as her mother?your granddaughter is so very young and needs help learning how to handle her anger. Try your best to take this one day at a time. We wish you the best.
Comment By : Sara A. Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
Comment By : sick of the lies
Comment By : learning through failures
* Dear ?sick of the lies?: This definitely sounds like a frustrating situation. It sounds like a ?C? is perfectly acceptable to your son, and that skipping out on doing his work is unacceptable to you. The hard part is you can?t convince your son to do the work, so to speak. It will not be effective for you to try to change his attitude about it?focus on the behavior, not the feelings, as James Lehman would say. It?s important to simply assert that whether his grade is fine or not, he is still responsible for doing his job as a student. Hold him accountable for doing the work anyway, as you already are. Break all this overdue work down into smaller pieces and have him work at it each day. Put his privileges on hold each day until he?s met his responsibilities.
about homework will give you more ideas for setting up a daily structure around homework that might help you move forward from here. We wish you luck.
Comment By : Sara A. Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
* Dear ?learning through failures?: It can be so difficult when you feel unsupported by those you typically look to for help and partnership. Different professionals and counselors often take differing approaches to challenging behavior issues, which can be frustrating and confusing. If natural consequences are simply not happening at school, then it is best for you to focus on what you can control. You cannot control what the school does or what the counselor says, but you can control your reactions and how you choose to parent your child at home. A sense of responsibility in a child is something that often takes time to develop and it comes from establishing a culture of accountability at home. I wish I had an easier answer for you. Hang in there and take care.
Comment By : Sara A. Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
Comment By : Andrew\'s mom
Comment By : worn out
Comment By : TimsArmyWifey
Comment By : Laura C.
* To Laura C.: It's hard to watch your child do poorly in school, especially when you have overcome your own academic struggles by yourself.
We recommend talking with your daughter about her school performance, and what she can do to help herself do better in school.
You will want to talk with her about specific things she is willing to try, such as talking with a teacher if she doesn?t understand an assignment, or working on her homework at the kitchen table each night.
We also recommend giving her an incentive to try these new things.
For example, if she states that she will work on her homework for an hour each night at the kitchen table, when she does that, she might earn a little extra TV time that night.
It is going to be more effective for you to focus on changing certain behaviors, such as studying each night, than focusing on getting her to care about her schoolwork.
I am including links to some articles I think you might find helpful:
& . Good luck to you and your daughter as you continue to work through this.
Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor
Comment By : I really love my kids
Comment By : Very sad mom, not knowing what to do!!!!!!!!!!
* To 'Very sad mom, not knowing what to do':
You are in a tough situation with your daughter right now.
She is failing her classes, yet the school continues to pass her along and not hold her accountable.
What might be helpful with your daughter is looking at what you can control, and figuring out what your main goal is.
Is it getting her to care about her schoolwork, or having the school hold her accountable by not letting her graduate?
Is it having her learn that actions have consequences?
Removing your daughter from high school is unlikely to be effective in making her care more about her schoolwork, and could have additional consequences. You cannot control your daughter and her feelings about school, and although it is frustrating, you cannot control what the school decides to do about her behavior there.
You do, however, have complete control over yourself, and how you choose to respond to your daughter?s actions.
In addition to the problem solving discussed in this article, you can also hold her accountable for her behavior, such as sneaking around with boys, through giving effective consequences.
I am including links to some articles I think you might find helpful:
Good luck with you and your family as you work through this.
Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor
Comment By : soultosoul
Comment By : m
Comment By : FredFred
Comment By : BostonDad
* To BostonDad:
You ask a great question.
Sometimes the natural consequences of an action (or inaction) are not immediately applied, as with your children refusing to do homework.
If your children refuse to do their homework now, the natural consequences of poor study skills may not take place until much later on in school.
There are other, more immediate natural consequences however, such as the discomfort of knowing the assignment is not complete, or an unpleasant interaction with the teacher when explaining why the homework was not done.
We recommend focusing on solving the problem of getting tasks accomplished, even though they may seem pointless or boring at the time.
If your children are having a difficult time staying motivated to do the work, you can work with them on offering incentives at home for getting their homework complete.
We find that with younger children, behavior charts can be very useful in helping kids to stay on track.
You can find more information in the article .
Ultimately, it is your child?s responsibility to learn and get their work accomplished.
James Lehman, in his article , talks about how important it is to develop this study structure early on, and we are encouraged to hear that you are starting them off on the right foot for their future academic career.
Thank you again for writing in, and we wish you and your family the best.
Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor
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