Philosophy: Guide to Happiness
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We tend to accept that people in authority must be right. It's this assumption that Socrates wanted us to challenge by urging us to think logically about the nonsense they often come out with, rather than being struck dumb by their aura of importance and air of suave certainty. This six part series on philosophy is presented by popular British philosopher Alain de Botton, featuring six thinkers who have influenced history, and their ideas about the pursuit of the happy life.
- Why do so many people go along with the crowd and fail to stand up for what they truly believe? Partly because they are too easily swayed by other people's opinions and partly because they don't know when to have confidence in their own.
- British philosopher Alain De Botton discusses the personal implications of the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus (341-270BCE) who was no epicurean glutton or wanton consumerist, but an advocate of "friends, freedom and thought" as the path to happiness.
- Roman philosopher Lucious Annaeus Seneca (4BCE-65CE), the most famous and popular philosopher of his day, took the subject of anger seriously enough to dedicate a whole book to the subject. Seneca refused to see anger as an irrational outburst over which we have no control. Instead he saw it as a philosophical problem and amenable to treatment by philosophical argument.
- Looks at the problem of self-esteem from the perspective of Michel de Montaigne (16th Century), the French philosopher who singled out three main reasons for feeling bad about oneself - sexual inadequecy, failure to live up to social norms, and intellectual inferiority - and then offered practical solutions for overcoming them.
- Alain De Botton surveys the 19th Century German thinker Arthur Schopenhauer () who believed that love was the most important thing in life because of its powerful impulse towards 'the will-to-life'.
- British philosopher Alain De Botton explores Friedrich Nietzsche's () dictum that any worthwhile achievements in life come from the experience of overcoming hardship. For him, any existence that is too comfortable is worthless, as are the twin refugees of drink or religion.
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Why African Babies Don’t Cry
I was born and grew up in Kenya and Cote d’Ivoire. From the age of 15 I lived in the UK. However, I always knew that I wanted to raise my children (whenever I had them) at home in Kenya. And yes, I assumed I was going to have them. I am a modern African woman, with two university degrees, and a , but when it comes to children, I am typically African. The assumption remains that you are not c children are a blessing which would be crazy to avoid. Actually the question does not even arise.
I started my pregnancy in the UK. The urge to deliver at home was so strong that I sold my practice, setup a new business and moved house and country within five months of finding out I was pregnant. I did what most expectant mothers in the UK do—I read voraciously: Our Babies, Ourselves, Unconditional Parenting, anything by Sears—the list goes on. (My grandmother later commented that babies don’t read books and really all I needed to do was “read” my baby). Everything I read said that African babies cried less than European babies. I was intrigued as to why.
When I went home I observed. I looked out for mothers and babies and they were everywhere, though very young African ones, under six weeks, were mainly at home. The first thing I noticed is that despite their ubiquitousness, it is actually quite difficult to actually “see” a Kenyan baby. They are usually incredibly well wrapped up before being carried or strapped onto their mother (sometimes father). Even older babies strapped onto a back are further protected from the elements by a large blanket. You would be lucky to catch sight of a limb, never mind an eye or nose. The wrapping is a womb-like replication. The babies are literally cocooned from the stresses of the outside world into which they are entering.
My second observation was a cultural one. In the UK, it was understood that babies cry. In Kenya, it was quite the opposite. The understanding is that babies don’t cry. If they do—something is horribly wrong and must be done to rectify it immediately. My English sister-in-law summarized it well. “People here,” she said, “really don’t like babies crying, do they?”
It all made much more sense when I finally delivered and my grandmother came from the village to visit. As it happened, my baby did cry a fair amount.
Exasperated and tired, I forgot everything I had ever read and sometimes joined in the crying too. Yet for my grandmother it was simple, “Nyonyo (breastfeed her)!” It was her answer to every single peep.
There were times when it was a wet nappy, or that I had put her down, or that she needed burping, but mainly she just wanted to be at the breast—it didn’t really matter whether she was feeding or just having a comfort moment. I was already wearing her most of the time and co-sleeping with her, so this was a natural extension to what we were doing.
I suddenly learned the not-so-difficult secret of the joyful silence of African babies. It was a simple needs-met symbiosis that required a total suspension of ideas of what should be happening and an embracing of what was actually going on in that moment. The bottom line was that my baby fed a lot—far more than I had ever read about and at least five times as much as some of the stricter feeding schedules I had seen.
At about four months, when a lot of urban mothers start to introduce solids as previous guidelines had recommended, my daughter returned to newborn-style hourly breastfeeding, which was a total shock. Over the past four months, the time between feeds had slowly started to increase. I had even started to treat the odd patient without my breasts leaking or my daughter’s nanny interrupting the session to let me know my daughter needed a feed.
Most of the mothers in my mother and baby group had duly started to introduce baby rice (to stretch the feeds) and all the professionals involved in our children’s lives—pediatricians, even doulas, said that this was ok. Mothers needed rest too, we had done amazingly to get to four months exclusively breastfeeding, and they assured us our babies would be fine. Something didn’t ring true for me and even when I tried, half-heartedly, to mix some pawpaw (the traditional weaning food in Kenya) with expressed milk and offer it to my daughter, she was having none of it.
So I called my grandmother. She laughed and asked if I had been reading books again. She carefully explained how breastfeeding was anything but linear. “She’ll tell you when she’s ready for food – and her body will too.”
“What will I do until then?” I was eager to know.
“You do what you did before, regular nyonyo.” So my life slowed down to what felt like a standstill again. While many of my contemporaries marveled at how their children were sleeping longer now that they had introduced baby rice and were even venturing to other foods, I was waking hourly or every two hours with my daughter and telling patients that the return to work wasn’t panning out quite as I had planned.
I soon found that quite unwittingly, I was turning into an informal support service for other urban mothers. My phone number was doing the rounds and many times while I was feeding my baby I would hear myself uttering the words, “Yes, just keep feeding him/ her. Yes, even if you have just fed them. Yes, you might not even manage to get out of your pajamas today. Yes, you still need to eat and drink like a horse. No, now might not be the time to consider going back to work if you can afford not to.” And finally, I assured mothers,
“It will get easier.” I had to just trust this last one as it hadn’t gotten easier for me, yet.
A week or so before my daughter turned five months, we traveled to the UK for a wedding and for her to meet family and friends. Because I had very few other demands, I easily kept up her feeding schedule. Despite the disconcerted looks of many strangers as I fed my daughter in many varied public places (most designated breastfeeding rooms were in restrooms which I just could not bring myself to use), we carried on.
At the wedding, the people whose table we sat at noted, “She is such an easy baby—though she does feed a lot.” I kept my silence. Another lady commented, “Though I did read somewhere that African babies don’t cry much.” I could not help but laugh.
My grandmother’s gentle wisdom:
1. –even if you have just fed her.
2. . Many times you can feed your baby before they are fully awake, which will allow them to go back to sleep easier and get you more rest.
3. Always take a flask of warm water to bed with you at night to keep you hydrated and the milk flowing.
4. Make feeding your priority (especially during growth spurts) and . There is very little that cannot wait.
Read your baby, not the books.
is not linear—it goes up and down and also in circles. You are the expert on your baby’s needs.
Want to read more from this author? Then check out
and her blog,
-Originally printed in the and reprinted with permission.
& 2010 &#, . All rights reserved.
More Great Stuff You'll Love: In photos and figures Breastfeeding in a room full of relatives: ok or not? Colleague drank your breast milk from the work fridge again? Tales of breastfeeding in Mongolia In photos and figures
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
JC Niala is a mother, writer and creative who enjoys exploring the differences that thankfully still exist between various cultures around the world. She was born in Kenya and grew up in Kenya, Cote d'Ivoire and the UK. She has worked and lived on three continents and has visited at least one new country every year since she was 12 years old.
Her favorite travel companions are her mother and daughter whose stories and interest in others bring her to engage with the world in ways she would have never imagined. She is the author of .
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Travelling with children, while definitely more of a mission, contradicts the old saying that “life is about the journey, not the destination.” A book that honestly and simply celebrates the every day diversity that children experience. She gave me an identity so different from her own.
Explore Jamaica with your child. Two weeks of Pura Vida in a country with so much to offer families. See why Dr. Gupta takes offense to this question and where children learn accents from My kids only get 1-2 hours of the minority language per day-help! Her baby's bare feet ended up being a lesson on poverty and privilege.
Here's the secret Colleague drank your breast milk from the work fridge again? Tales of breastfeeding in Mongolia She fought her Turkish in-laws on it--did she succeed? Why it's critical all parents read books that reflect diversity Have you been guilty of any of these? Should spanking be part of your parenting toolkit to have well behaved kids? How the West sleeps is different from the rest The secret of why African babies don't meltdown like Western ones. These kids make clear what language the U.S. speaks.
I love reading your work. I can olny imagine what it would be like to have such beautiful customs and true community. I understand why it is so very very important to keep these traditions alive. BeFrom Your mother in-law seems somewhat reasonable. Many Chinese Mother In-laws are not. In their scenario, they would be number 1 to the child and you would be number two. Many want to have a bond closerFrom I think Konstantina is actually responding to what is probably more familiar/praised/or preferred socially as well. I was an English teacher in Poland with a distinct accent. I struggled to get EnglFrom Noor Kids' title "First Time Fasting" is another great reaFrom This article was shared in a community I run to connect globetrotting parents and everyone LOVED it. You should join us! We all relate to your experience. Many of us, including me, are in the same bFrom Please help: I Love my wife and my son. I am also EXTREMELY involved as a dad. I had to move to china ( in a tiny tiny town) where I am the only foreigner so that my wife can take over the family buFrom Thanks for writing this!! My baby is 7 months, and I love having her sleep in my room.
I don't mention it too often to people who have had kids because they seem a little judgy on it.
So tonight IFrom Honestly, it looks like the author married into a very backward and old fashioned family. Not stimulating children's curiosity, differences between boys and girls, and women slaving in the house, whFrom
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From now on，I will expect nothing, and just take what I get．从现在起，我将不再期待，只珍惜我所拥有的。There are 4 steps to happiness: you ,me ,our hearts,together!通往幸福只需要四步：你、我、我们的心、在一起。Delay is the deadliest form of denial.拖延是最彻底的拒绝。Time heals almost everything. Give time time.时间几乎会愈合所有事情。请给时间一点时间。Tears are words the heart can't say.眼泪是心里无法诉说的言辞。There’s nothing more beautiful than a smile that struggles through tears.世上最美的，莫过于从泪水中挣脱出来的那个微笑。Nothing improves the memory more than trying to forget.令记忆深刻的最好方法，就是试图去忘记。Sometimes,I just need someone to talk to.有时候，我只是需要一个可以说话的人。One day someone will walk into your life, then you realize love was always worth waiting for.有一天那个人走进了你的生命，你就会明白，真爱总是值得等待的。&Trust is like an eraser. It gets smaller and smaller after every mistake.&信任就像橡皮擦，在一次一次的错误中慢慢损耗变小。╰We all be happy, regardless of each other's happiness.&╰我们都要幸福，不分彼此的幸福。& ╰To commemorate the first memories moved.&╰让回忆纪念最初的感动。&╰Because I can't keep up with the pace of the time, so have to leave you.&╰因为我跟不上时间的步伐，所以不得不离开你。&╰Sprinkle with all the tears, the rest of the should be strong.&╰洒下所有的泪水，剩下的应该是坚强。&╰You are in my life the most warm moved.&╰你是我生命中最温暖的感动。&╰The life of the met, provokes the grief of all in my life.&╰这场生命中最美的遇见，煽动了我生命中所有的悲伤。&╰That afternoon, I came back, the scenery is still original.&╰那个午后，我静静的回头原来，景色依旧。&╰We destroy their youth, disrupted ever thought the unbreakable cities.&╰我们摧毁了各自的青春，瓦解了曾经以为牢不可破的城池。&╰In fact, the first love this little thing and is so easy to tears.&╰其实，初恋这件小事，就是这么容易让人流泪的。&Future time, will have my shoulder.（未来的时光，有我的肩膀。）Has such reason to enable me to be possible to forget you?（有没有那么一个理由让我可以忘记你？）You did not have the nod to say the regret, I actually looked back say.（你没点头说抱歉 ，我却回首说再见。）Lies, your unique talent.（说谎，你独一无二的天赋。）The sunlight burnt my both eyes, only leaves my piece of darkness. （阳光灼伤了我的双眼，只留给我一片黑暗。)We love the skilled present turns the commemoration.（我们爱的熟练现在都变成纪念。）The recollection detains me in sad passing, I cannot see present's happiness. (回忆将我扣留在悲伤的过往，以至于我看不见现在的幸福。)Some loves, more want to pull out to Vietnam are actually clearer.（有些爱， 越想抽离却越更清晰。）℡ 、Time orbit we just one solitude of the subway.（时间的轨道里我们只是一班孤寂的地铁）Although again sweet candy, also has a bitter day.（即使再甜的糖，也有苦的一天。）Accustomed, one day.（已经习惯了，一个人的日子。）Even next second we didn't meet, on one second we will meet.（即使下一秒我们没有相遇，上一秒我们也会相见。）Believe that god is fair.（相信上帝是公平的。）We look forward to, our future.（我们期待、我们的将来。）We believe, our future.（我们相信、我们的未来。）Is very sweet, very bitter, and that is love.（很甜、很苦，那就是爱情。）Those troubles, always linger.（那些烦恼，永远挥之不去）It doesn't matter is ok, just everything cannot go back.（没关系没关系，只是一切都回不去）Just don't give up, Russia are then buchibuqi.（只要不放弃，俄们便不离不弃）Then the selfish hurt, but only in order not to leave.（那么自私的伤害，只是为了不离开）Such as flocculent snow, high-stepping but not into Russia heart.（如絮的白雪，皑皑却不入俄心）Missing is like a disease, take much medicine or not.（思念像一场病，服了多少的药也好不了）How many dream had, and never came into my heart.（多少梦幻的曾经，也不曾走进莪的心）I am god, that nothing can be done not god.（我是上帝，那种什么事也办不了的上帝。）Someone said, my love, I just thought.（有人说，我的爱情只是我的自以为。）I do not follow, I live is always all you want.（我不会遵循，我过的生活从来都是自己想要的）Don't say you have lost everything, because you and I.（不要说你失去了一切，因为你还有我） Will there be that one day, you left me.（会不会有那么一天，你离我而去）You why say sorry, in this leaves in autumn.（你又何必说抱歉，在这个落叶的秋天）I haven't save your feeling, just facing north say goodbye.（我的挽回你都没感觉，只是面朝北面说再见）The wind blows away the thoughts, rolled up unruly time.（被风吹散的思念，卷起不羁的时间）You said, love is too deep but don't let their destruction.（你说过，爱的太深却不要让自己沉沦）Two people along the street up, who also don't stay. （两个人沿着街一直走，谁也不许再停留）My tears, you don't care.（我的泪流满面，你不在乎）Know, how again recover also just air.（明知道，再怎么挽回也只是空气）You hold hands is agreed. Said（你说过牵了手就是约定）I want to cry, but my pride told me not to.（我想哭泣，可是我的骄傲告诉我不可以）Don't fear you forsake, just afraid of losing you.（不是怕你丢弃，只是怕失去你）You smiled and waved with me, step by step out go farther.（你笑着跟我挥了挥手，一步跨出去走得更远）We first met location, it was named: miss.（我们初次相遇的地点，把它取名叫：怀念）We don't have any choice, only run in opposite directions.（我们没有任何选择的余地，只有背道而驰）Why is this once, only once in without you.（为什么又是这样的曾经，只不过曾经里没有你。）A we missed the time, France.（时间一点点被我们错过，擦肩而过。）Smiled and said goodbye, tears never fall.（笑着说再见，眼泪决不掉。）That kind of love is only one（那种爱情叫唯一）The truth, whether or not.（那些真相，有无与否）Dye never-failing threads, missing only in suddenly.（染不尽的余温，思念只在恍然间）Those this leave, it does not stay.（那些该离去的，终究留不住）Don't make your thought, naive as all others.（不要把自己的自以为，天真当成别人的全部）The truth, whether or not.（那些真相，有无与否）Bedfellows, Xi wings thewane.（如影随形，汐羽翼凋零）Dye never-failing threads, missing only in suddenly.（染不尽的余温，思念只在恍然间）But elaborate couse passing for you
（淡然路过却精心为你）
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出门在外也不愁You Can Be Happy Regardless of Your Relationship Status
Announcement: Wish you could change the past? Learn to let go and create a life you love with !
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha
Relationships give us the opportunity to learn about ourselves though identifying with another. I’ll be the first one to admit that some of my relationships didn’t end on ideal terms. I’ve managed to stay in touch with a few partners over the years, but for the most part, they’ve fallen to the wayside.
Here’s how most of them played out: The initial phase was intoxicating, I was completely enamored with the other person, and likewise, they made me feel like the object of their attention. As a result, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy, wholeness, and love.
Eventually, the passion faded and the relationship began to decline, leading to a break-up. Now, instead of feeling joy and wholeness, it felt more like despair and emptiness.
Sound familiar?
We’re taught early on, through various forms of conditioning, that we are only valuable when an external source recognizes it, whether it’s a spouse, parent, or a boss. Dean Martin even sings, “You’re nobody ‘til somebody loves you. You’re nobody ‘til somebody cares.”
Could this paradigm possibly be accurate? After all, if an icon like Dean Martin is singing about it, there must be some kernel of truth to it, right?
I definitely felt better about myself when I was “coupled up,” but did that justify feeling devoid of love when the relationship ran its course?
It wasn’t until I cultivated
that I recognized my immense value, regardless of my relationship status. This happened through a regular spiritual practice and reflective meditation. From that space, I also recognized a few fundamental truths that helped me foster self-love.
1. Extreme self-care means doing what strengthens your mind, body, and spirit.
The best way to show yourself love it to . The exact details differ from person to person, but they all share a common thread—they nurture your inner being.
Maybe that means taking an extra hour to pamper yourself or setting aside time to focus on fitness. The expectations from friends and family will still be there, but it’s your responsibility to do what makes you feel recharged and lifted before tending to others.
2. Your most important commitment is to honor yourself and your needs.
On the journey toward personal fulfillment, you first need to make a commitment to address your needs. That doesn’t mean neglect your financial or social obligations, but it should be a reminder that your dreams and ambitions are a priority. After all, if you don’t stand up for your aspirations, who will?
It helps if you make this commitment crystal clear by saying it out loud, sharing it with a friend, or writing it down. I find it beneficial to write personal mantras and commitments on my mirror so that I’m reminded of them every time I look at my refection.
3. Your emotional well-being does not depend on any external circumstance.
At any given moment, I have the ability to choose a positive emotional state. I can’t control the way other people act toward me, but I can
to better align with my own self-image. For example, just because someone lashes out or says something hurtful, that doesn’t mean it’s a reflection of me.
Each of us is responsible for our own feelings, and it is our job to rescue ourselves from the pit of despair when we fall in.
4. Making peace with your past paves the way for a rewarding future.
You’d be hard pressed to meet anyone who doesn’t have a few demons in their closet. We all accumulate baggage throughout the course of our lives, but you don’t need to carry it from one place to the next. It simply weighs you down and prevents you from reaching your highest self.
so that you can receive the present with an open heart.
Forgiveness and acceptance go hand-in-hand with self-love. One of the ways I’ve learned to forgive past hurts is by not taking it personally.
The second principle in Don Miguel Ruiz’s acclaimed book The Four Agreements says it best: “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of other, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
5. Speak and treat yourself with kindness.
Listening to your internal dialogue can be a good way to gauge your level of self-love. Are your thoughts predominantly negative or self-condemning? If they are, your first priority should be to change the way you speak to yourself.
Adopting a set of positive affirmations can transform negative internal dialogue into a more supportive channel of communication with yourself. Some of my favorite affirmations are:
All is well in my world and I encounter love, abundance, and appreciation in every moment.
I accept others just as they are because I accept myself just as I am.
I radiate compassion and love and as a result I receive an endless flow of it back.
6. T it will guide the way.
You intuition is one of the best tools at your disposal, and fortunately, you can never leave home without it! Listen to what your intuition tells you about taking care of yourself. After all, you deserve your love and affection.
Self-love is a regular practice that starts with acceptance. Take the time to align with your inner self and appreciate your strength. Only then can you open up to receiving and giving love to others unconditionally.
If you can be love and accept yourself, you’ll be happy regardless of who chooses to enter or exit your life.
via Shutterstock
About Sabrina Saada is a writer, yoga enthusiast and aspiring author. Through her writing, she aims to help people rekindle their mind-spirit connection and be their most authentic selves. Connect with her on Twitter @ or through her blog: . |
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