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The shameful baby sleep mistake we all make
posted: March 30,
Calling all baby sleep experts!
There’s a new baby sleep training controversy that requires your attention. This time, it’s about whether sleep training an 8-week-old just takes guts, or qualifies as child abuse.
It all started when New York Times blogger Aimee Molloy recounted the experience of taking her 2-month-old to Tribeca Pediatrics in Manhattan. At the appointment, her doctor urged her to try . This would mean putting her in the crib at 7 p.m., and returning to pick the baby up at 7 a.m.
No matter what.
The practice’s view is that it takes guts to pull off successfully sleep training an 8-week-old. But the benefits are immense if you can stomach baby’s crying for three nights or so: soon, she will sleep 12 hours, no sweat.
For the record, Molloy decided against starting sleep training this soon.
In response to Molloy’s piece, writer Amy Wright Glenn of Philly Voice wrote that sleep training an 8-week-old amounts to . Plain and simple. Instead, she advocates breastfeeding on demand, and a more baby-guided approach to sleep.
What most parents practice, is probably somewhere in between what Molloy’s pediatrician recommends, and how Glenn sees baby’s sleep development.
As for where I fall on the baby sleep spectrum, well, I allowed my baby to cry it out from day one, and I’m proud of it.
Let me explain.
I would let my newborn fuss in her bassinet for a few moments early on, responding to her needs promptly, but not rushing to pick her up the very instant she made a peep.
By about four to eight-weeks, I let her cry for five, to ten minutes after I put her down.
Once in a maybe 15 minutes or so. There were a handful of times she cried for up to a half an hour.
By 12-weeks-old, she slept 10 to 12 hours a night.
I firmly believe my consistent approach to sleep training helped my baby develop the nighttime habits we as a family value. I say “we as a family,” because getting my baby to sleep through the night was a goal that benefited all five of us.
You see, although a lot of my focus was on the new baby, my older daughters needed mommy, too. And if mommy was up all night with the baby, she wasn’t going to be a very happy, or patient, or understanding, or present mommy.
That my little one slept well right away, made the adjustment to life as a family-of-five easier on everyone. Period. And I won’t apologize for making that the priority. In fact, as I said, I’m proud of it.
Now, my baby is almost 2-years-old, and we still value sleep in our house. Unless my kids are sick, they are expected to sleep.
Once in a while, someone will call because they had a bad dream, or require help in the bathroom. That’s fine. But for the most part, my kids know that at bedtime they go in their rooms, and in the morning they come out.
No funny stuff.
No matter how your kids get to sleep, they sure are cute when they’re doing it, right?
My three kids are great sleepers. But does that make me a sleep expert? Ha! No way. I might be an expert at getting my kids to sleep, but drop me off at another family’s house at bedtime, and I’d most certainly flounder.
That’s why it is such a shameful mistake to claim to know everything about what’s right, and what’s wrong when it comes to babies, kids and sleep. I’m talking to you, moms, dads, grandparents, friends, bloggers, commenters. Even doctors.
Doctors may do exhaustive research, but were they here, at 3 a.m. when my baby wailed, and I made the mistake of picking her up so that the entire house got woken up? Three nights in a row. No.
Are they here when I decide my toddler can cry for as long as she wants, but I’m not going into her room to pick up her stuffed animal for the third time at 1:30 in the morning? No.
And they certainly aren’t here when I determine my 6-year-old is too sick to sleep alone one night, so I cuddle with her until dawn.
So I’m going to do what works for me, no matter what anyone says. Sure, I’ll carefully consider medical advice, and listen to the well-intentioned opinions of people I love and trust. But in the end, I’ll decide.
And I suggest that’s what we all do. Also, that we stop criticizing what everyone else is doing, whether we let our babies cry it out at 8-weeks-old, or sleep together in a family bed until college.
Melissa Willets is a mom of 3 girls, ages 7, 5 and 2, living outside of New York City. She's...
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