This week’s topic is on “Couple’s Finances.” Whenever this topic is presented, the discussion usually drifts to the pros and cons of Joint Finances vs. Separate Finances.
There are some pretty intense feelings on both sides, which almost always leads into interesting articles and ensuing comments.
For me…
I just can’t wrap my head around ‘separate finances’!
Neither my wife, nor I can imagine having separate accounts.
In fact, I would go as far as claiming that I lose a piece of respect for some people when I hear that they have separate finances.
I’m not proud of this.
On an intellectual level, I believe people should do whatever system works for them.
But on a practical level, my stomach turns when I hear or read people talking about this issue.
I’m often annoyed at several of the comments on sites who’ve tackled this subject in the past.
I just don’t get it…
My biggest beefs with separate finances in marriage:
It seems like many couples settle for separate finances because they desire avoiding “tough” conversations up front. In my life, ignoring or avoiding any issue has very rarely led to a positive resolution.
In fact, the majority of times I’ve neglected an issue it has become far worse, before finally coming back to bite me in the butt.
On the surface it can seem like separating accounts is a way to avoid money fights, however I believe many people use this as an excuse to delay working through the real issues behind the fighting.
His and Hers, rather than Ours. How in the world can people have separate finances and still avoid slipping into his bills, her bills, his debt, her debt, his spending, her retirement?
I find it hard to find how this system promotes unity and communication.
I entered the marriage with more credit card debt and my wife entered it with much more student loan debt.
Once we were married though it was our debt.
Our income is our income.
Our bills are our bills.
Our financial goals are our financial goals.
I love the fact that we have one shared plan and are constantly working together to implement it.
There are many ways to budget “his/her” money, without separating finances. Whether you call it “blow money,” “personal spending,” or “his and her cash,” it is an essential part of budgeting.
There’s nothing wrong with having money that each spouse can spend on whatever they fancy, but it seems akward to separate your finances just to accomplish this.
I mean, is budgeting this category really that much harder than working out the details of splitting household bills and percentages of income?
I feel like one spouse “paying” another by writing a check or transferring money is degrading. Every time I read someone talk about how they “pay” money to their stay at home spouse every two weeks, I actually want to scream.
When my wife was pregnant she worked part-time in our business and had very little side income for a short amount of time.
After my daughter was born, we sold our business so that I could stay home with her for the first 8-9 months, while my wife went back to work as a teacher.
In either case, I would have felt horrible receiving/giving “pay” to/from my wife.
Our money is our money, period.
I don’t want a roommate, I want a spouse. During and directly after college, I lived with multiple roommates.
In each situation we all had separate accounts.
We all talked about how to split each bill and about whom would be responsible.
Once a month, I would pay my portion of the joint bills and spend the rest of my money on whatever I wanted.
Marriage is suppose to be the most intense form of intimacy and trust.
I can’t imagine using the same system with my wife as I did with my roommates (as fun as they were).
Separate accounts encourages secret accounts. Obviously, simply having separate finances doesn’t mean either party is being dishonest or untrustworthy.
However, it is much easier to hide finances or get into “trouble” with separate finances.
Everyone has their own weaknesses and temptation is always present in one form or another.
Having struggled with addiction before, I’ve had the best success with systems which help me avoid temptation rather than encourage it.
Both have access in case of an emergency. In the event something were to happen to me, even for a short amount of time, my wife would never have to worry about lack of access to any or all of our resources.
Sure, either one of us could go to the bank tomorrow and withdraw all the money and put it on 18 red.
If you can’t trust your spouse enough to have them on all of your accounts, should you really be getting married?
I guess I just can’t think of any negatives of joint finances!
There are only two cases where I would even find it convenient to have separate finances:
I wanted to make a major purchase not in our budget, selfishly, without my wife knowing.
Any purchase that would fall into this category is one that I would regret 24 hours later.
Those of you who are regular readers know I’m a huge fan of putting as many obstacles as you can between yourself and habits that can destroy your financial goals.
Having joint accounts is yet another layer of protection to help fight our impulses.
I got divorced. Why anyone would use this as justification for separate finances I’m not sure.
My wife and I do our very best to eliminate the possibility of divorce completely.
Our theory is that if we never allow it to be an option, even for a second, than no matter how intense our problems become we will have no choice but to overcome them together.
Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had the same struggles in our young marriage that everyone works through.
Our first couple years have been full of up and downs.
Luckily, our handling of finances has been a constant source of strength.
We feel as though having every account joint (even business) has brought us closer, increased our communication, and solidified our long-term goals.
I have an immense amount of respect for people who are able to achieve lasting, long-term relationships.
I know for a fact that fantastic, mutually-beneficial marriages built on love, respect, and trust can include separate finances. I would never argue the opposite.
I simply wonder if these relationship might even be further improved with increased financial unity.
Maybe… maybe not.
Either way, I’m always interested in hearing from people who’ve been successful with separate finances.
I really enjoy intelligent discussions that challenge my current belief systems.
It is for this reason that I’m super excited for this week’s Personal Finance Hour (come join me in the chat room).
And as always, I would love to hear your perspective on this issue.
Am I being narrow-minded?
Do you have any information that can help open up my perspective?
What do you choose in your marriage…
joint or separate finances?
Let me know below!
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Find Us On Facebook歌词了love me could you hands i get it get it_百度知道
歌词了love me could you hands i get it get it
【love me could you hands i get it get it】该歌词出自单曲《Feel Good Time》。《Feel Good Time》歌手： P!NK作词： P!nk作曲： P!nk语言：英语所属专辑：The Album Collection发行时间：歌词：We go where we like,We got over time,We get paid to rattle our chainsWe go in the back,Paint our money black,Spend it on the enemySleeping in the church,Riding in the dirt,Put a banner over my graveMake a body work,Make a beggar hurt,Sell me something big and untamedNow our time,(do do do do do do)Real good time,(do do do do do do)Now our time,(do do do do do do)Real good time,(do do do do do do)Now our time,(Said now our time),A real good time(It's a really good time)Babe you're mineWe know how to pray,Party everyday,Make our desillation unsafeRiding in a rut,Till the powers cut,We don't even have a good nameSleeping in the church,Riding in the dirt,Put a banner over my graveMake a body work,Make a beggar hurt,Sell me something bigAnd untamedYeah, yeah, yeahBabe you're mineDo do do do, baby,I can fly, yeah(Sell me somethingBig and untamed)Feel good,Real good,Its the same old sameReal good,Feel good,Don't got no more brainsReal goodFeel good,Its the same old sameFeel goodReal good,Don't got no more brainsBabe you're mine中文歌词：我们去我们喜欢的地方，我们得到了时间，我们得到支付给我们的枷锁我们在后面，把我们的钱画黑，把它花在敌人上睡在教堂里，骑在泥土中，把旗帜放在我的墓前做一个身体工作，使乞丐受伤，卖东西给我大和野性现在我们的时间，（确实做了做）真正的好时机，（确实做了做）现在我们的时间，（确实做了做）真正的好时机，（确实做了做）现在我们的时间，（现在我们的时间），真正的好时光（这真是一个很好的时间）宝贝你是我的我们知道如何祈祷，党的日常，让我们的desillation不安全骑在车辙，直到把权力切断，我们甚至没有一个好的名字睡在教堂里，骑在泥土中，把旗帜放在我的墓前做一个身体工作，使乞丐受伤，卖我的东西大和野性是的，是的，是的宝贝你是我的做做做，宝贝，我能飞，是的（卖给我一些东西大和野性）感觉很好，真的很好，它的相同的旧相同真的很好，感觉很好，别无脑真的很好感觉很好，它的相同的旧相同感觉很好真的很好，别无脑宝贝你是我的
为您推荐：
1.Feel Good Time
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.....
we go where we like,
we got over time,
we get paid to rattle our, chains
we go in the back,
paint our money black,
spend it on the enemy
sleeping in the church,
riding in the dirt,
put a banner over my grave
Make a body work,
make a begger hurt,
sell me something big and untamed
Now our time, real good time,
(doo doo doo doo doo doo..)
now our time, a real good time
(doo doo doo doo doo doo..)
now our time, (SAID NOW OUR TIME),
a real good time (ITS A REALLY GOOD TIME!)
HEY AAAAAAA BE ALL MINE
we know how to pray,
等待您来回答
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出门在外也不愁The , which opened on Fourth Avenue in 1927, now takes up 55,000 square feet on Broadway and 12th and has ’18 miles of New, Used, Rare and Out of Print Books’ in stock. The novelist David Markson, who was born in Albany in 1927 and died in his West Village apartment last month, spent more than a few of his intervening hours at the Strand. ( of him speaking there.) Still, it was a shock to walk into the Strand last week and find the contents of his personal library scattered among the stacks.
A shock, in part, because Markson’s work relied so heavily on other books: Schonberg’s Lives of the Great Composers (I paid $7. 50 for Markson’s copy), Wittgenstein’s correspondence (Paul Engelmann’s Letters from Wittgenstein with a Memoir, $12.50), Robert Graves’s edition of the Greek myths ($30 for the two-volume Penguin hardback). There are too many inscribed books for any most have notes, check marks, underlined passages. I’d guess that a few of them – especially the more heavily annotated ones – belong in a proper archive. And yet, here they are: hundreds of hardbacks (the only paperback I could find was a copy of Walter Abish’s How German is It?, sent to Markson with the author’s compliments), some of them with price tags covering Markson’s name, as if the buyers were afraid that his signature would somehow diminish their value.
I’d heard about the haul from Jeff Severs, who teaches at the University of British Columbia. He’d heard about it from a student who’d stumbled on Markson’s copy of Don DeLillo’s White Noise.
‘my copy of white noise apparently used to belong to david markson (who i had to look up),’ the student had written.
he wrote some notes in the margin: a check mark by some passages, ‘no’ by other, ‘bullshit’ or ‘ugh get to the point’ by others. i wanted to call him up and tell him his notes are funny, but then i realized he DIED A MONTH AGO. bummer.
‘That’s amazing,’ Jeff had replied. ‘Did he write his name in the front or something? Did you buy it secondhand recently – as in, his family sold off his library?’
yeah he wrote his name inside the front cover and the cashiers at the strand said they have his whole collection. favorite comments: ‘oh god the pomposity, the bullshit!’, ‘oh i get it, it’s a sci-fi novel!’ and ‘big deal’.
That night, I put $262.81 on the credit card and brought three shopping bags home to my fourth-floor walk-up: Djuna Barnes’s Nightwood ($7.50), Yeats’s Essays and Introductions ($15), Leslie Fiedler’s Life and Death in the American Novel ($10), Tristram Shandy ($5); 27 books in all. My new collection includes old Modern Library editions (Joyce, Kafka, Balzac, Pater, Lao-tse and Tacitus), undergraduate philosophy texts (the future novelist paid more attention to Kant and Hume than to Erasmus, Descartes and Hegel) and Joyce’s Selected Letters (with brackets around the dirty bits). Thanks to Markson, I now own
Modern Library edition of Gogol’s Dead Souls. A gift? Did Markson borrow the book and fail return it? Or did he run across it himself on a visit to the Strand and wonder how it had ended up there?
My friend Ethan paid not enough money for a heavily annotated edition of Hart Crane’s poetry, an even more heavily annotated T.S. Eliot, and a beautiful volume of Melville’s shorter works, with every one of Bartleby the Scrivener’s ‘I would prefer not to’s underlined. (‘Melville, late along, possessed no copies of his own books,’ Markson wrote in Vanishing Point.)
The next day, another friend emailed to say he’d spent $93 on Ellmann’s biography of Joyce, Pound’s letters to Joyce, Hardy’s poems, Spenser’s Poetical Works and A.J. Ayer’s Wittgenstein. ‘I found some Lowry,’ he wrote. ‘The letters and poems, but left those for someone who cares more about him than I do.’ Pound’s Cantos, Jan Kott’s Shakespeare Our Contemporary and Balzac’s Lost Illusions are all still in the stacks, at reasonable prices.
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a.insertBefore(c,a.firstChild);var a=function(a){c.style.display="none";b.cookie="lrb-cookies=; expires="+(new Date((new Date).getTime()+31536E6)).toGMTString()+"; path=/";_gaq.push(["_trackEvent","cookies","closed"]);a.preventDefault&&a.preventDefault();"object"==typeof event&&(event.returnValue=!1)},d=c.getElementsByTagName("span")[0];d.addEventListener?d.addEventListener("click",a,!1):d.attachEvent&&d.attachEvent("onclick",a);_gaq.push(["_setCustomVar","4","cookies","shown",3])}})(document);For several days last week,
- the domain name that I have owned and operated since March of 2010 - did not belong to me, but rather to a man who goes by the name "bahbouh" on an auction website called , and who was attempting to sell off the site to the highest bidder (with a "Buy It Now" price of $30,000.00). He promised the winner my traffic, my files, and my data, and suggested that I was available "for hire" to continue writing posts (alternatively, he was willing to provide the winner with "high-quality articles" and "SEO advice" to maintain the site's traffic post-sale).
I learned that my site was stolen on a Saturday. Three days later I had it back, but only after the involvement of fifty or so employees of six different companies, middle-of-the-night conferences with lawyers, FBI intervention, and what amounted to a sting operation that probably should have starred Sandra Bullock instead of…well…me.
Of course I've heard of identity theft, and of cyber hacking, but honestly, my attitude towards these things was very much "it could never happen to me." And even if it did…I didn't exactly understand why it was such a huge deal. Couldn't you just explain to people what had happened, prove who you were, and sort it all out? We live in such a highly documented world, it seemed completely impossible to me that someone could actually get away with pretending to be someone else with any real consequences beyond a few phone calls and some irritation.
It's much, much worse - more threatening, more upsetting, and more difficult (if not impossible) to fix - than I'd ever imagined.
I found out about the hacking from my father. His friend Anthony (who is his partner at
and who runs a web development and consulting company called ) had been surfing around on Flippa and had - in an impossibly lucky coincidence - noticed that my site was up for auction, with what appeared to be a highly suspicious listing. Suddenly, I remembered the email I had gotten the day before - an email that I had disregarded as spam - from someone "interested in the purchase" of my "weblog". I remembered the notification from YouTube that someone had accessed my account from a different location - a notification I had ignored, assuming that I had logged in on a mobile device or that my husband had accidentally logged into my account instead of his own.
But even after I saw the listing, I didn't panic: this seemed like something that could be fixed with a couple of emails. Except the auction site was located in Australia and didn't appear to have a phone number, and when I sent an email with a scanned ID and proof of ownership what I got back was a form letter. And when I called HostMonster, the site I pay to operate my website, I discovered that I was no longer the owner of my site: someone had used their email confirmation system to authorize the transfer of my domain name into a private account at GoDaddy (another web registrar service of whom I'm also a client).
WHY IS THIS A BIG DEAL?
If you have a business that depends on a URL, you understand why this was such upsetting news: With control over my website's domain name, a hacker would be able to take the site down, or redirect it elsewhere. Further, it was later verified that the hacker had control over all of the site's content, he could have just rerouted everything I've ever written to any location he wanted.
Ramshackle Glam may be "just" a lifestyle blog about things like parenting and fashion and decor…but it's also a site that I've spent five years of my life building, and the idea of it falling into the hands of someone with malicious intent was heartbreaking. I could switch to a new URL and export a copy of my content (which I do back up), but that would result in the loss of a substantial amount of traffic. The website is my primary source of income, and with , ,
on the way, a
coming out this week, and a , this was not a joke. The loss of my URL had the potential to be devastating for my business and for my family in a very real way.
SO WHAT DID I DO?
The events of the next few days were complicated, so rather than go through them chronologically I'm going to explain how each path I took ended up panning out (I'm going into detail so that I can be as much help as possible to anyone who goes through this themselves).
3AM, on the phone with HostMonster trying to get the site frozen.
1. I tried to resolve the situation directly with GoDaddy and HostMonster. This did not work.
From Sunday through Tuesday, I spent most of the day (and much of the night) on the phone with GoDaddy, HostMonster, or both at the same time, and nearly every person I spoke with gave me the same response: "Sorry, can't help you."
HostMonster maintained that because they no longer controlled the domain name, there was nothing they could do. GoDaddy maintained that because the account was private and the person had obtained ownership of the domain through a transfer from HostMonster, there was nothing they could do.
What finally made a difference: I cited .* This got my case upgraded, but it did not result in action.
Here's why: the legal department at HostMonster informed me that in order for them to initiate a transfer dispute that would result in GoDaddy releasing the domain back to me, their "internal investigation" would have to turn up evidence that they had done something wrong in releasing the site. In other words, they would have to admit that they had screwed up…which would in turn open them up to a lawsuit.
Needless to say, I never heard from the legal department again. Despite the fact that everyone seemed clear on the fact that I owned my website and that it had been transferred without my authorization, nothing was going to be done unless I initiated a time-consuming and costly lawsuit that, in any case, would not result in action quick enough to save my domain name from being sold.
So that avenue came to an end.
2. I called the FBI. This was a major step in the right direction.
The morning after I found out about the unauthorized transfer, I also called the FBI. I felt silly and dramatic making the phone call, but the reality is that this is an international cyber crime issue, and that's FBI territory. And this is my business. It's how I support my family, and it may be a "small matter" in the grand scheme of things, but it is not a small matter to me.
And let me tell you: of all the surprises I've had over the past week or so, most surprising of all has been the FBI. They responded immediately, with follow-up phone calls and emails, an in-person interview with two special agents at my own home within 24 hours, and a follow-up visit from two agents yesterday. Beyond that, each and every agent I have interacted with over the past week has been, without fail, compassionate, thoughtful, invested, respectful, and committed to action...in addition to treating me not like a case number, but like a human.
What I expected was to leave a message with a general mailbox and at some point r I certainly did not expect to see an active investigation opened immediately. I'm not going to write more about the investigation because it's still ongoing (although I did ask for and receive permission to write about this), but I think it's important to say how absolutely blown away I have been by the FBI's response.
3. I tried to regain control by dealing directly with the "seller". This worked, but not without considerable drama.
While all of the above was going on, I was also working to regain control over the site directly from the individual who was trying to sell it.
I didn't want to contact the "seller" directly, because I felt that if he thought the "real" owner of the site was aware of the sale, he would try to extort more money. So I asked Anthony - the person who had found the original listing, and who had an active account with a positive history on Flippa - to DM "bahbouh" to see if he was interested in a "private sale". After some back-and-forth we reached an agreement, and it was decided that a third-party money-transfer website () would be used to make the sale: the money would only be released to the seller upon confirmation that the domain name had been transferred.
This appeared to be going smoothly until Tuesday night, when the seller suddenly demanded that the funds be released immediately (prior to receipt of the website). When we pushed back, he announced that he was selling it to someone else: "Sorry, bye."
So here was my thought process: if we did not release the money to the seller, we were guaranteed to not get the website. If we did release the money to him, there was a possibility that he would take the money and run, and also a possibility that he would deliver the site as promised. It wasn't a gamble I wanted to take...but I didn't see any option. And so I authorized the wire transfer.
I spent twenty minutes sitting in front of the dummy GoDaddy account I had created to receive the domain name from the seller, waiting to see whether I was out thousands of dollars and a domain name, or just thousands of dollars.
And then it came through.
I immediately transferred the domain into a different account and placed it (and all of my other domain names) on what amounted to lockdown. And then I called the wire transfer company and placed a stop on the payment.
THE END RESULT:
< is back in my possession, thanks to a number of people who dedicated hours (in some cases days) out of their lives to doing whatever they could to help me. My other accounts - bank accounts, et cetera - have been secured. I don't have my money back yet, but the man who stole my site from me doesn't have it, either, and won't be getting it, ever.
And that's an ending I'm pretty damn thrilled with.
SO WHY AM I STILL ANGRY?
Of course I'm angry with the person or people who stole the site, but that's out of my hands. The reason I'm writing this post is to let people know that this really can happen - to anyone - and to offer suggestions for how to minimize the chances that it will happen to you (below), but beyond that, I'm writing this post because this incident made me very, very angry at GoDaddy and HostMonster. And I want you to know why.
No one at either company questioned my statement (supported by written proof) that the website belonged to me. No one doubted that it had been transferred without my authority. And yet I had to spend days - days during which the hacker could have done virtually anything he wanted - trying to reach one single person who was able to do anything, because the support staff and supervisors I spoke with (who had to have numbered fifty or more) were completely uninformed as to how to handle this situation beyond saying, "Jeez, that sucks. Can't help you."
HostMonster and GoDaddy screen-grabs
And once I reached people who could help me - who could literally make a single phone call or push a single button and return my property to me (or simply freeze it so that it could not be sold or destroyed) - they would not. They hid behind their legal departments and refused to do anything, knowing full well that their inaction would force me to either interact with and pay off a criminal, or lose an essential component of my business.
And hackers know that these companies will do this.
They rely on it.
There is a serious problem when a criminal enterprise not only exists "despite" a company's policies, but actually thrives as a direct result of that company's prioritization of their own interests over the security of the clients they allegedly "protect". Do I understand why companies like HostMonster and GoDaddy are focused on protecting themselves against lawsuits? Of course I do. But the fact is that they not only do not "help" their customers, but actively contribute to creating situations that threaten small businesses and the families that they support.
And these companies know that when they stonewall clients whose property has obviously been stolen that these clients will have no other recourse than to pay off criminals or watch their businesses - sometimes their very lives - collapse. They know that by standing in the way of immediate action they create the very environment that these criminals depend upon to perpetuate their business model. And they do nothing.
This has to change.
MY OPINION, FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH:
Support personnel at hosting companies should be made intimately familiar with ICANN regulations involving domain disputes, and should be able to initiate a plan of action the first time a client makes them aware of a situation, not after hours and hours of repeated calls.
Further, the establishment of a TEAC** should result in an immediate freeze on the account in dispute until the situation has been resolved. This should not require an admission of culpability on the simply an acknowledgement that a dispute exists and an awareness that while the dispute exists the domain must be held safe from sale or transfer.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO REDUCE THE CHANCES THAT THIS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU:
1. Have a really, really good password, and change it often. Your password should not contain "real" words (and definitely not more than one real word in immediate proximity, like "whitecat" or "angrybird"), and should contain capital letters, numbers and symbols. The best passwords of all look like total nonsense.
2. If possible, use a separate computer (an old one or a cheap one purchased for this purpose) for if your family computer is the same one that you use for bank transactions you risk having your kids click on a bad link that results in a hacking.
3. Turn off your computer and personal devices when they're not in use.
4. Have antivirus software on your computer (but remember that virus scans only catch 30-40% of viruses, so unfortunately a "clean" check doesn't necessarily mean that you're safe).
5. Purchase
(lear it basically protects businesses from cyber attacks and data breaches.
BUT IF IT DOES HAPPEN TO YOU, HERE'S WHAT TO DO:
1. Begin taking careful notes (and screenshots) immediately. Don't delete any emails
it could all be important later on.
2. Immediately change all of your passwords (including - but not limited to - domain registrar, website hosting, website login information, email, bank accounts, wireless home electronics, and Apple ID) according to the rules stated below. I changed mine every few hours while this situation was still up in the air, and am continuing to change them every few days for the time being.
3. Contact the registrar(s), citing the ICANN policy below, and see if together you can arrive at a speedy resolution. Don't be surprised if you find yourself running into dead ends.
4. Make sure to inquire about "filters" and "rules" that may have been placed on your email (basically, any kind of device that the hackers may have placed to forward emails, et cetera).
5. Contact appropriate law enforcement (I contacted the FBI because it appeared to be an international issue, and was at the very least an interstate issue
is located in California, and I'm in New York).
Note: Every situation is different, and I can't wholeheartedly recommend the steps that I took that ultimately resulted in me regaining control over my domain name largely because they involved interacting with criminals. Obviously that isn't ideal, and can have unpredictable consequences. (Although my husband says that he would like it to be known that he thinks I'm a huge badass. While this is ordinarily very far from the truth, in this specific instance…I'll take it.)
The End. (That was long. Thanks for reading.)
*ICann.Org is the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) is responsible for managing and coordinating the .
essentially states that in the case of a domain dispute, the Losing Registrar (the registrar that maintained possession of the domain name pre-transfer, as opposed to the "Winning Registrar", who maintains possession of the domain name post-transfer). must immediately establish a Transfer Emergency Action Contact ("") in an effort to get the ball rolling in the direction of resolution right away). Once I had this information, my case was immediately upgraded.
**TEAC: A contact that is established by ICANN and used by other registrars and ICANN if there is a need to quickly address issues with domain transfers between two registrars. The contact must respond to inquiries within four hours, though final resolution may take longer.
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