Can you fall in love too fast? | Daily Mail Online
Can you fall in love too fast?
by LIZ GARMENT, femail.co.ukSo Kate Winslet is in love again. Less than three months after splitting from
her husband, she's fallen head over heels with the Oscar-winning film director,
Sam Mendes.To many of us, starting a new relationship can seem like the best way to get over an old one but what are the dangers of falling in love so soon after a
major break-up? Is it natural and healthy or a quick-fix solution, destined for disaster? Pain relief 'Splitting up is painful and distressing and falling in love with someone new initially takes away the hurt,' says relationships expert Julia Cole. 'When
you've had this sort of knock, it's natural and understandable to be with someone who makes you feel better but ultimately the healing process takes longer.
'After a break-up you're not in a fit state to understand what you're doing. Self esteem often plummets and you can end up getting involved with someone who boosts that but before you've had time to work through what went wrong in your
previous relationship and what you want in the future.' Breathing space Leaping straight from one relationship to another - especially when there are children involved - can often just complicate things, says Julia.'You need time to reflect on what happened and time to feel sad about it,'
she says. 'If you go directly into a relationship with someone else it just muddies the water and makes it more difficult for you to see things clearly.' Echoes from the past In the first heady days of a new romance it's all too easy to use the present to blot out the painful past but this honeymoon time is invariably short-lived, says Julia.'Although everything is usually rosy to begin with, tensions can start to appear if you haven't worked through how you feel about your past relationship as well as your role, and your ex's, in the break-up.'This is the time when old unresolved feelings can come back to haunt you and
arguments with your new partner tend to start as you take out on him all the issues and emotions that weren't sorted out with your ex.' Post break-up blues Sometimes the sadness and depression which accompany virtually every relationship breakdown don't kick in until six to nine months later and this difficult time can be made even more painful and complex if you?re already in
another relationship.'The emotional effects of a break-up nearly always catch up with you at some point and can have a serious effect on how you behave towards your new partner,' says Julia. 'He may well find your sudden unhappiness bewildering and
inexplicable - after all, he thought you were contented with him - and this can place a lot of pressure on both of you.' Can it ever work? But not all experts agree that falling for someone straight after a break-up is necessarily a dangerous thing. Counsellor Mo Shapiro says: 'So-called rebound relationships get a lot of bad press but I think the attitude that they're always risky is an insulting one. Sometimes you have to trust your emotions.'You can meet Mr Right straightaway, it does happen, and actually your subconscious can be very good at learning from the past and helping you go out and find exactly the sort of man you need.' Enjoy the moment According to Mo what's important is taking one step at a time. 'If you meet someone and you like them, go with it, enjoy the high, enjoy the buzz, enjoy the
fun but don't necessarily think that this is going to the relationship you commit to for the rest of your life.'But at the same time, try to analyse your new relationship as it develops. Ask yourself what it is that makes this one different and how it might be in a few years time.' Slowing the pace But Julia Cole believes that in an ideal world, it is best to give yourself a
whole year to get over a break-up before even thinking about getting involved with someone new.'Go on dates, have some fun but if a man you like tries to force the pace, says that he loves you and perhaps wants to live with you, tell him you feel
close to him too but still need some space. You have to be very strong to do this but it will be worth it in the long run.'And Mo Shapiro agrees 'If it feels like it's all going too fast then it is going too fast. Try to put your foot down and set some limits even if you're scared that if you do so he'll up and leave. If he does, he's obviously not right for you - if he can?t meet your needs now, why should he be able to in
five years time?'* Julia Cole is author of Find the Love of Your Life (Hodder &
Stoughton)* Mo Shapiro is author of Shift Your Thinking Change Your Life (Sheldon
Share or comment on this article
MOST READ NEWS
No comments have so far been submitted. Why not be the first to send us your thoughts,
We are no longer accepting comments on this article.
DON'T MISS
MORE DON'T MISS
SHARE PICTURE
Copy link to paste in your messageCan you fall in love with someone you have never met?Updated on April 8, 2014
Falling in Love"Some people say that they know right away, sell you love on a cloud for a lullaby." - The Bodeans
Read the companion article to this hub: )
In a certain way, it seems you have to
fall in love with someone you've . When you get to know someone, how can you know you're in love unless you've already come to love
certain characteristics that you find irresistibly attractive?
You have to know what it is or who you would
with before you meet. If you don't know that, you won't have whatever it is that will trigger the falling in love.
Romantic love is romantic because it's based on an idea. The idea of the
someone who completes you, someone who you feel naturally matches your heartbeat and your very breath. Someone who is very different from you but complements you perfectly. Someone who makes you feel entirely like a woman - if you're a woman, and someone who makes you feel like you're a true man if you're a man.
You want your completor, the rest of your identity, that person who feels like your own heart and soul to you. But you cannot know these things unless you have formed that ideal in your mind and have pursued it. Then s/he walks in the room - you just know, you just know because you can't go wrong.
But the other side of the story might burst your bubble. There is no "someone" unless there IS. In other words, there has to be a real person, one you actually can
or have met, one who is actually in your life to be the person you love.
What I mean is that it is easy to feel like you've fallen in love with the star of a movie you have never met, but that might not only be hopeless (since you may never meet), but also an enormous let down if you did. All you really do when you "fall in love" with an actor or person you haven't met is to shape the ideal of what it is to be in love.
It can be amazing how love works some times. There are people who've met, known each other for years, and only
fallen in love after they never thought that would be possible.
How does that happen? Well, in part, it's because
is about your life. Truly - it shouldn't be about what you hope your life should be but never becomes, it should be about what really is.
Falling in love doesn't have to be an experiment that if it doesn't work, you try an alternative - falling in love can be a wonderful process of finding, getting to know and bonding with the right person.
But that bond doesn't have to be some
lottery game, with sparks and endless thoughts of what might be - you can and probably should be good friends with someone for a long time, maybe even before you realize the
is what it really is.
Of course, you want to have a tremendous sexual attraction - after all, it's hard to think of being in love without it. But you can definitely have the sexual attraction on a physical level, without having it on a much deeper level.
I have tried online dating fa few times and it has taught me some interesting life lessons. It seems to work out for some people, but it can also be very disappointing and unrealistic.
There are always plenty of people to meet, but once you met, the story may be very different than the profile - and often is. I often felt like I had been getting to know a different person than the person I actually did meet. That said, I did meet a girl online who I fell in love with very deeply, but even in that relationship, the challenges of you can't actually say in an online profile were very heavy indeed.
If you just meet people in ordinary, organic ways, you can feel a lot more sure that you are getting to know a real person, with a real life of their own - not a
or a fantasy idea of the perfect mate.
I have to admit that years ago, when I was first divorced, there was a time when I became enamored of someone I met online - and we never met. She was overseas. I was aeager every day to read her messages, and as often as I could. I wanted to hear her voice and I wanted to know everything I could about her.
I dreamed about her - and the dreams were very vivid and seemed real. Sometimes I would wake up and go through much of the day thinking about my dream as if she had been with me the day before and left, and felt like I was missing her.
Like you might be wondering now, I questioned whether this was healthy.
Now I realize I was at a point in my life where that was all I could have - and while I would never go back, I needed it at the time.
it helped me get over a very difficult time in my life.
When she and I wrote, I often thought I was communicating with my lifemate. Then when I moved from Georgia to Michigan, I took a month or two, as I told her I would, and got settled, before I started thinking about how we could finally actually meet each other and be together.
I finally got back to writing her, but she wasn't there. Her emails bounced back. To this day, I'm not sure what happened. No, this wasn't a situation where she asked or I gave her money, nothing like that.
(Frankly, I would've had had none to give at that time if she had asked.)
I have had a woman ask me that one time, and as soon as I said no, she lashed out at me. To my surprise, she tried much harder after I said no - but it didn't matter then, I didn't trust her motives.
Maybe that question about trust is a good one for anyone dating online?
But back to the first girl - the one I thought I feel for.
Did she meet someone else? . Did things change in her life in that time otherwise - I doubt if I'll ever know.
But the even more curious question is what if we had met? Then what? My later experiences taught me to think it might not have been everything I thought it would when we were just writing and talking. No, I can't be sure. But, you know, another thing is that all the things I thought I desired about her - I'm not sure I would want that now - or that I ever really did.
Sometimes, unanswered prayers are the best kind.
It's just that there was something about the sense of unattainability - or a real challenge in attainability of our
that made it so intriguing. If I had met her at a fun event and got to know her, would she have seemed so special? Maybe, but not necessarily someone I would have fallen in love with. In fact, I think now the odds are pretty slim I would have ever fallen in love with her, but of course, I don't know.
Already Met, But Far Away
Funny thing, though - to a guy, one of the most attractive things - at least when it comes to "falling in love", is a bit of unavailability.
I don't mean that in the sense of playing games. I also don't mean it in the sense of unattainability. - probably better referred to as a "challenge". If someone is at just enough distance, is making their own, independent life important - and is still charming, approachable and, at the right time, can be touched as well - that seems like the ideal circumstance for falling in love - but that isn't about unattainability - it's about timing, and "due diligence".
Which makes it something quite different than the online type of relationship. How? In an online relationship that sense of unattainability can either be easily overcome by a meeting at a coffee shop (which can spiral into dizzying romance and passion), or it can't because of distance and other factors. I find that the harder that is to overcome, the higher the stakes, and the more a person is invested when that meeting occurs. But if that is the first meeting, instead of thinking about what you like about that person, you are thinking you have already made a big commitment.
When you meet organically instead, you can just access from that safe space - eye to eye, one on one conversation, without any pressure to go to the next level. Online dating raises the stakes -
- in several ways. You can't meet someone online without having the sense that you are in a competition. Who else are they communicating with? Who else are they having that one hour date with? What do I have to do to "win"? It's crazy. Love shouldn't be a competition with a third person - it should be a competition with yourself. It should be that thing that helps make you want to be the very best you can be, motivated not so much to please the other person but rather to be the best you that you can be in that relationship - and that the pleasing of him or her will naturally follow.
So, back to where we started...
Can You Fall in Love with Someone You've Never Met?
Maybe it depends on what you mean by falling in love - is it something that sparks the attraction and the effort to give it a try?
Then the answer is yes.
Or is it something that means you could spend the rest of your life with this person?
If so, I would say it's much less likely you can fall in love with someone until you HAVE met them and spent time together. In the end, it has to take sight, touch, movement, etc. that comes with actually meeting someone, finding the real attraction, and letting the mystique of "getting to know" each other work its magic.
At the same, I won't sell short the romantic idea of thinking about the ideal of that interesting stranger you've never actually met either. Surely off in the distance somewhere, at some time...don't you think?
Can you fall in love with someone you've never met? I don't know, but I do know this - approach it with care, your heart is a precious gift to give - when you give it, give it with care.
More by this AuthorOnce upon a time, Steve Martin had a comedy routine about knowing how you can &make a million dollars and not pay any taxes&. Nice plan to hear - especially from a guy who had made many millions, just by...
First, I'm a guy, so I have first hand experience with liking a girl and I know what I do (or did) when those feelings were welling up inside of me.
Second, I've been an independent observer of my friends who are male,...
Falling in Love with Someone You've Never Met&
by ThoughtsWriter
by Hearts and Lattes
by Andrea Lawrence
by jenluvsdrummers
by Jill Rhodes Harvey
by Vladimir Karas
by Shil1978
by Susana S
Please rate this article using the scale below. The scale is from 1 to 10, where 10 is the best and 1 is the worst.this went for many years，we could not fall in love as in the beginning。
this went for many years，we could not fall in love as in the beginning。
var sogou_ad_id=731547;
var sogou_ad_height=160;
var sogou_ad_width=690;One morning, Ann’s neighbor Tracy found a lost dog wandering around the local elementary school. She asked Ann if she could keep an eye on the dog. Ann said that she could watch it only for the day.
Tracy took photos of the dog and printed off 400 FOUND fliers（传单）, and put them in mailboxes. Meanwhile, Ann went to the dollar store and bought some pet supplies, warning her two sons not to fall in love with the dog. At the time, Ann’s son Thomas was 10 years old, and Jack, who was recovering from a heart operation, was 21 years old.
Four days later Ann was still looking after the dog, whom they had started to call Riley. When she arrived home from work, the dog threw itself against the screen door and barked madly at her. As soon as she opened the door, Riley dashed into the boys’ room where Ann found Jack suffering from a heart attack. Riley ran over to Jack, but as soon as Ann bent over to help him the dog went silent.
“If it hadn’t come to get me, the doctor said Jack would have died,” Ann reported to a local newspaper. At this point, no one had called to claim the dog, so Ann decided to keep it.
The next morning Tracy got a call. A man named Peter recognized his lost dog and called the number on the flier. Tracy started crying, and told him, “That dog saved my friend’s son.”
Peter drove to Ann’s house to pick up his dog, and saw Thomas and Jack crying in the window. After a few moments Peter said, “Maybe Odie was supposed to find you, maybe you should keep it.” 小题1:What did Tracy do after finding the dog? A．She looked for its owner B．She gave it to Ann as a gift. C．She sold it to the dollar store. D．She bought some food for it.小题2:How did the dog help save Jack? A．By breaking the door for Ann. B．By leading Ann to Jack’s room. C．By dragging Jack out of the room. D．By attending Jack when Ann was out.小题3:What was Ann’s attitude to the dog according to Paragraph 4? A．SympatheticB．DoubtfulC．TolerantD．Grateful小题4:For what purpose did Peter call Tracy? A．To help her friend’s son. B．To interview Tracy C．To take back his dog. D．To return the flier to her.小题5:What can we infer about the dog from the last paragraph? A．It would be given to Odie. B．It would be kept by Ann’ family. C．It would be returned to Peter. D．It would be taken away by Tracy. - 跟谁学
在线咨询下载客户端关注微信公众号
搜索你想学的科目、老师试试搜索吉安
在线咨询下载客户端关注微信公众号&&&分类：One morning, Ann’s neighbor Tracy found a lost dog wandering around the local elementary school. She asked Ann if she could keep an eye on the dog. Ann said that she could watch it only for the day.
Tracy took photos of the dog and printed off 400 FOUND fliers（传单）, and put them in mailboxes. Meanwhile, Ann went to the dollar store and bought some pet supplies, warning her two sons not to fall in love with the dog. At the time, Ann’s son Thomas was 10 years old, and Jack, who was recovering from a heart operation, was 21 years old.
Four days later Ann was still looking after the dog, whom they had started to call Riley. When she arrived home from work, the dog threw itself against the screen door and barked madly at her. As soon as she opened the door, Riley dashed into the boys’ room where Ann found Jack suffering from a heart attack. Riley ran over to Jack, but as soon as Ann bent over to help him the dog went silent.
“If it hadn’t come to get me, the doctor said Jack would have died,” Ann reported to a local newspaper. At this point, no one had called to claim the dog, so Ann decided to keep it.
The next morning Tracy got a call. A man named Peter recognized his lost dog and called the number on the flier. Tracy started crying, and told him, “That dog saved my friend’s son.”
Peter drove to Ann’s house to pick up his dog, and saw Thomas and Jack crying in the window. After a few moments Peter said, “Maybe Odie was supposed to find you, maybe you should keep it.” 小题1:What did Tracy do after finding the dog? A．She looked for its owner B．She gave it to Ann as a gift. C．She sold it to the dollar store. D．She bought some food for it.小题2:How did the dog help save Jack? A．By breaking the door for Ann. B．By leading Ann to Jack’s room. C．By dragging Jack out of the room. D．By attending Jack when Ann was out.小题3:What was Ann’s attitude to the dog according to Paragraph 4? A．SympatheticB．DoubtfulC．TolerantD．Grateful小题4:For what purpose did Peter call Tracy? A．To help her friend’s son. B．To interview Tracy C．To take back his dog. D．To return the flier to her.小题5:What can we infer about the dog from the last paragraph? A．It would be given to Odie. B．It would be kept by Ann’ family. C．It would be returned to Peter. D．It would be taken away by Tracy.One morning, Ann’s neighbor Tracy found a lost dog wandering around the local elementary school. She asked Ann if she could keep an eye on the dog. Ann said that she could watch it only for the day.
Tracy took photos of the dog and printed off 400 FOUND fliers（传单）, and put them in mailboxes. Meanwhile, Ann went to the dollar store and bought some pet supplies, warning her two sons not to fall in love with the dog. At the time, Ann’s son Thomas was 10 years old, and Jack, who was recovering from a heart operation, was 21 years old.
Four days later Ann was still looking after the dog, whom they had started to call Riley. When she arrived home from work, the dog threw itself against the screen door and barked madly at her. As soon as she opened the door, Riley dashed into the boys’ room where Ann found Jack suffering from a heart attack. Riley ran over to Jack, but as soon as Ann bent over to help him the dog went silent.
“If it hadn’t come to get me, the doctor said Jack would have died,” Ann reported to a local newspaper. At this point, no one had called to claim the dog, so Ann decided to keep it.
The next morning Tracy got a call. A man named Peter recognized his lost dog and called the number on the flier. Tracy started crying, and told him, “That dog saved my friend’s son.”
Peter drove to Ann’s house to pick up his dog, and saw Thomas and Jack crying in the window. After a few moments Peter said, “Maybe Odie was supposed to find you, maybe you should keep it.” 小题1:What did Tracy do after finding the dog? A．She looked for its owner B．She gave it to Ann as a gift. C．She sold it to the dollar store. D．She bought some food for it.小题2:How did the dog help save Jack? A．By breaking the door for Ann. B．By leading Ann to Jack’s room. C．By dragging Jack out of the room. D．By attending Jack when Ann was out.小题3:What was Ann’s attitude to the dog according to Paragraph 4? A．SympatheticB．DoubtfulC．TolerantD．Grateful小题4:For what purpose did Peter call Tracy? A．To help her friend’s son. B．To interview Tracy C．To take back his dog. D．To return the flier to her.小题5:What can we infer about the dog from the last paragraph? A．It would be given to Odie. B．It would be kept by Ann’ family. C．It would be returned to Peter. D．It would be taken away by Tracy.科目:最佳答案小题1:A小题2:B小题3:D小题4:C小题5:B解析
知识点:&&基础试题拔高试题热门知识点最新试题
关注我们官方微信关于跟谁学服务支持帮助中心