Hope you find the following jokes a blessing to your Alpha Course.
If you will take a moment to
and let us know what you think about this site, I will send you my favorite joke of all time!
Blessings,
Sitting on the side of a US highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer noticed a car going along at 22 MPH. (Now remember this is in the US where they use miles per hour not kilometers per hour)
The officer thought to himself, &This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!& So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over.
When he got to the car he noticed that there were five elderly ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said to him, &Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?&
&Ma'am,& the officer replied, &You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.&
&Slower than the speed limit?& she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!& the woman said a bit proudly.
The Officer tried not to smile and explained to her that &22& was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
&But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem a bit shaken and they haven't said a single peep this whole time.&
&Oh, don&t worry officer, they'll be alright in a minute. We just got off
Route 119.&
An elderly gentleman was becoming quite concerned about his memory as he kept forgetting things more and more. He went to see his doctor who did not find anything wrong with him other than the fact of his age. He reassured him and told him that if he kept a small notebook in his pocket he could write important things down and not worry about forgetting them. This worked well for the elderly gentlemen.
One day as the gentlemen and his wife were watching T.V., the man asked his wife if she wanted some ice cream. &Yes&, she replied, &That sounds yummy. Oh, could you please put some whipped cream on top she asked&oh and some chocolate syrup &and some peanuts&and a cherry please&. Her husband replied &certainly dear&. As he turned towards the kitchen, his wife asked if perhaps he should write all that down so he wouldn&t forget. He assured her that he wouldn&t forget. All the way to the kitchen he repeated to himself & whipped cream, chocolate syrup, peanuts and cherry. After a while he returned and gave his wife a plate full of scrambled eggs, bacon and hash browns. His wife looked at the plate with disgust and said, & I knew you should have written it down! You forgot the toast!
There was a story about a man named Charlie who was quite a selfish and inconsiderate husband. Even though both he and his wife worked, he never helped at home with the cleaning, cooking or with the children. He expected supper on the table promptly every evening and
watched television all evening long while his wife keep the entire home in order. One day while Charlie was in the doctor&s waiting room, he read an article in a magazine that said - If women were not so tired in the evening, they would be more romantic with their husbands. Well the next day when Charlie&s wife got home, she had quite a surprise. She found supper cooked and warming on the stove. She found the dinning table set with the good china, napkins and candles. Charlie had also done 2 sets of laundry and a third load was in the dryer. The house was also swept and the carpets vacuumed. The following morning Charlie&s wife was telling her friends at work about the article and everything that Charlie did. She continued &After dinner Charlie did all the dishes, helped the children with their homework and even gave them a bath and put them to bed. I had a wonderful evening!& Her friends were impressed but wanted to know about the romantic part of the evening after the kids were in bed. &Oh& she said,&That part didn&t work out very well&. Charlie was too tired!&
Who makes the most money
Three boys were talking about their fathers, comparing them like young boys sometimes do. For example&who was biggest, who was the strongest etc. They got to the subject of money and who made the most money. One boy said &My father is a lawyer, he makes $1000.00 for one day in court!& The second boy said, &My father is a doctor, he makes $2000.00 for one operation!& The third boy wasn&t sure what to say because his father was a minister. He thought for a second and said & My father is a minister, after preaching just 20 minutes, it takes 6 men to carry all the money!&
I forget who she was
A young minister who had not spoken in public yet was asked to speak at a wedding reception. He decided to ask an older minister for some advice. The older minister said, &Pick a central thought for your talk and elaborate on that. If you find that you are loosing their attention then shock them with the following statement&. &Some of the happiest years of my life were spent in the arms of another mans wife. Once you have their attention say, &Yes&those were the years I spent in my mothers arms&.
The young minister thanked the older minister and went away to prepare his talk.
The evening of the wedding reception came and he was about 10 minutes into his talk when he noticed that he was loosing people&s attention. He stood up tall and said &I have a confession to make. Some of the happiest years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife. Well this worked quite well as every eye in the entire hall was glued on him as they waited for him to continue. After a long awkward silence and becoming quite red, the young minister continued &but I forget who she was&.
All the hay
One Sunday morning after a severe snowstorm, the minister went up to preach and realized that there was only one man in the entire church. He was not sure if he should still preach so he asked the man there (who happened to be a farmer) if he would like him to preach, seeing he was the only one there. The farmer scratched his head and said, &I&m not a smart man, but I suppose if I went to feed my cows and only one showed up, I&d feed it. The minister felt a bit foolish and decided to preach. He did not want the farmer to think that he was short changing him so he preached for 1 hour&2 hours&finally, he finished after 2½ hours. After the sermon the minister went down to greet the farmer and to ask him what he thought about the sermon. The farmer scratched his head and said, &I&m not a smart man, but if I went to feed my cows and only one showed up&I wouldn&t feed it ALL the hay!
Buying the lawnmower
One day a minister was walking through his neighborhood when he passed a young boy selling lawnmower. It so happened that the minister needed a lawnmower so he asked the young boy if the lawnmower was in good working condition. The young boy said, &Sure, it works great. It&s just a bit hard to start. But if you kick it a few times and use a few cuss words, it starts right up&. The minister said, &Oh my, I don&t think I could do that. I haven&t used a swear word since I was a young man&. The young boy said, &Don&t worry about it. Just try starting it and I'm sure it will come back to you!&
Inkblot drawings
A certain gentleman was having some personal problems so he went to see a psychiatrist. After a few sessions the psychiatrist thought it would be helpful to do some tests. He produced some ink blot drawings which he showed the gentleman. He said to him &As I show you these abstract shapes please tell me the first thing that comes to your mind. After the first ink blot drawing, the man said he saw a beautiful woman at the beach. After the second, he said he saw a beautiful woman at the park. One after another, in each drawing he saw a beautiful woman in one place or another. After about a dozen of these, the psychiatrist said &Mr. Smith, you seem quite obsessed with women&. The man said &Me!!! You&re the one with all the
A young man had made arrangements to go out with his friend one day when he suddenly remembered that he had promised to visit his grandmother. He asked his friend if he would mind making a short stop with him at his grandmother&s house. His friend agreed. While they were visiting the grandmother, the friend noticed a dish of peanuts on the coffee table. While the young man was in the kitchen helping his grandmother with something, the friend being quite hungry ate all the peanuts in the dish. When the two returned from the kitchen, the friend apologized for eating all the peanuts in the dish. The grandmother said &Oh that&s quite all right dear. Since I lost my dentures last week, I can only suck the chocolate off anyway.
Four Expectant Fathers
Four expectant fathers were in the hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse came in and told the first man, &Congratulations! You're the father of twins!& &What a coincidence!& the man exclaimed. &I work for Twin Star Enterprises!&
The nurse returned a short while later and informed the second man, &You are the father of triplets!& &Wow, what a coincidence!& he replied. &I work for 3M Corporation!&
The nurse returned a third time and told the third man &Congratulations. Your wife has given birth to quadruplets! &Wow. Another coincidence! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!&
At this point, the fourth man fainted. When he came to, the others asked, &What's wrong?&
&What you mean what's wrong! I work for Seven-Up!!!&
Engine Failure
There was a certain man named Charlie who was a pleasant fellow but not very bright. One day Charlie was on a flight from Toronto to Kansas City to visit his sister and her family. About Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced, &Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed but there is nothing to be concerned about. We still have 3 engines left. However, our flight will now take about 1 hour longer than scheduled. We apologize for the inconvenience.
About thirty minutes later the captain announced, &I regret to report that one more of our engines has failed. There is still nothing to worry about as we have 2 engines left. However our arrival in Kansas City will now be delayed by about 2 hours.
Another hour passed when the captain announced, &This is quite unusual, but unfortunately one more engine has failed. Not to worry however. Believe it or not we are still able to fly successfully with just one engine. However our arrival in Kansas City will be delayed by about 3 hours. Just then Charlie turned to the man in the next seat and said, &Boy, if we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!&
One-Dollar Coin
A one-dollar coin met a twenty-dollar bill and said, &Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much.&
The twenty answered, &I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?&
The one-dollar coin said, &You know, same old stuff - church, church, church.&
Bran Muffins
An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to the wife&s interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion that was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they &oohed and aahed& the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. &It's free,& Peter replied, &this is Heaven.&
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, &What are the green fees to play here?&. Peter's reply, &This is heaven, you play for free.&
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the most amazing food they ever saw. &How much to eat?& asked the old man. &Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!& Peter replied. &Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?& the old man asked timidly. Peter said, &That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.&
With that the old man
got very angry, throwing down his hat and stomping on it. Peter and the man's wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, &This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!&
The Head Hog
One day a man with a thick Texas accent called a church office and said, &Hello missy, can I speak to the head hog please?&
The secretary thought she misunderstood what he said, and replied, &I'm sorry, who?&
The caller repeated, &Yes, I&d like a word with the head hog please.&
A little annoyed the secretary said, &Well Sir, if you mean the Senior Pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or &Reverend& or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog!!&
&Anyway& she said with a bit of an attitude, &I&m afraid he will be in meetings all day. May I ask the nature of your call?&
The man replied, &Well&I heard you were all doing a fine job down there and I was thinking of giving $100,000 to your building fund....&
&Oh!!!& she replied, &Hold just a moment please! I think the big pig just walked in!&
Rolls Royce
A man in a green Ford Granada happened to pull up to a Rolls Royce at a top sign. The windows were down as he yelled out to the gentleman in the Rolls &Hey, do you have a phone in there?&
The man in the Rolls Royce said, &Yes, of course I do.&
The man in the Granada said &I got one too&see?&
The man in the Rolls said, &Uh huh, yes, that&s very nice.&
The man the Granada then asked, &Do you have a fax machine?&
The man in the Rolls replied, &Why, actually, yes, I do.&
The man in the Granada said &I do too! See? It&s right here!&
The man in the Rolls beginning to get annoyed replied, &How nice for you.&
The light was just about to turn green when the man in the Granada asked, &So, do YOU have a double bed back there?&
The gentleman in the Rolls said &Of course not! Do you?&
The man in the Granada said, &Yes! See? Right back here!& The light turned green and the man in the Granada left.
The man in the Rolls Royce was quite annoyed at being outdone. So he had his Rolls taken to a custom auto body shop to have a double bed installed. Once the work was completed, he had his chauffeur drive all over town looking for the green Granada. He finally found it parked along the side the road and pulled up beside it. The windows in the Granada where all fogged up as the gentleman from the Rolls approached it. Feeling a little awkward, he tapped on the window.
The man in the Granada finally opened the window a crack and peeked out. The man in the Rolls said, &Do you remember me young man?&
The man in the Granada replied, &Yeah, I remember you. What&s up?& The man in the Rolls said, &As you can see, I now also have a double bed in my Rolls!& The man in the Granada replied, &You got me out of the shower to tell me that!!&
A Spanking
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he quite surprised the teacher. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, &I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades somebody is going to get a spanking!&
Borrow the car
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, &I'll make a deal with you son. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it.&
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, &Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!&
The young man replied, &Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair....&
To which his father replied....&Yes son you&re right, they had long hair just like you. They also had something else in common with you&they WALKED everywhere they went!&
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- &Hello& &How are you! We've been waiting for you!& &Good to see you.&
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, &This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?& &You have to spell a word,& Saint Peter told her. &Which word?& the woman asked.
The woman correctly spelled &Love& and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
&Oh! I'm surprised to see you,& the woman said. &How have you been?&
&Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,& her husband told her. &I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery! I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a great big mansion. My new wife and I traveled all around the world. We&ve been having the time of our lives. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell and the ski hit my head, and well& here I am.&
&So& How do I get in?&
&You have to spell a word,& the woman told him.
&Which word?& her husband asked.
&You have to spell the word& Czechoslovakia.&
Pharmacist
A teenage boy walked into the local drugstore where he lived and spoke to the pharmacist. He said he wanted to buy a box of chocolates. The pharmacist directed the young man to the candy section where the boy selected a box. The pharmacist said &that comes in three sizes, small, medium and large& The boy said &great, I&ll take one of each. You see, tonight&s the big night. I&m having a date with a girl I&ve liked for a long time. We&re having dinner at her folk&s house and then going to a movie. If she lets me hold her hand, I&ll give her the small chocolates. If she lets me kiss her cheek, I&ll give the medium chocolates. If she lets me kiss her on the lips, I&ll give her the large chocolates.&
Later that evening the young man was at the girls home having dinner with her family. At the beginning of dinner he asked if he could say the grace. He prayed quite a long prayer. When he finished the girl leaned over and said, &I didn&t know you were so religious&. The young man leaned back and replied, &I didn&t know your father was a pharmacist&.
The Parrot
There was a mild mannered fellow named Dave who received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot had
previously been owned by someone else and had a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse word.
Dave tried very hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. One day in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming, and then, suddenly, there was quiet.
Dave got frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto his extended arm and said: &I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and sincerely ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.&
Dave was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him. Before he could ask, the parrot looked back toward the freezer and said, &May I ask what the chicken did?&
Two Pairs of Pants
A young bride with not many domestic skills was quite upset one day after she left the iron unattended to answer the phone. When she returned, she found she had burned a great big hole in a pair of pants from her husband&s favorite suit. When her husband got home that evening his wife broke the news to him. &Oh, don&t worry dear& he said. &That was quite an expensive suit but it came with two pairs of pants&. &Yes I know& she replied. &And it&s a good thing too because I was able to use some of fabric from the other pants to fix the ones I burned!&
Looking after the puppy
There was a young girl who wanted a puppy for the longest time. Her parents knew that she was not very responsible so they refused for quite a while. When the young girl turned 5 the parents agreed to give her a chance and they got her a puppy. The young girl looked after the puppy for a while but after a few weeks she began to neglect it. The parents spoke to her about the puppy&s care on several occasions. Finally they warned her that if she neglected caring for the puppy one more time, they would have no choice but to give it to someone who would care for it. This
worked because the young girl took it to heart and did not neglect the puppy's care again. She did such a good job in fact that one day her father found her brushing the puppy&s teeth with a toothbrush. The father was quite surprised and asked his daughter what she was doing. She said, &I&m cleaning puppy&s teeth daddy. But don&t worry, I&ll put your toothbrush back when I finish&.&just like I always do!&
There was a very wealthy Texas millionaire who lived in a giant mansion in the middle of his cattle ranch. He owned dozens of expensive cars, a yacht and even a full size airplane with his picture painted on the side. Every once in a while, this millionaire would hold lavish dinner parties and invite anyone who would come. People hated his constant bragging about his possessions but would attend these dinner parties because the food, drinks and entertainment were so good.
At the height of the evening during these dinner parties, the millionaire would gather his guests around his Olympic size pool in which he kept a man eating shark. He would always make the following challenge. He would say, &If there&s anyone here man enough to swim across this here pool, I&ll give one of three things. I&ll give him either one million dollars, or, 25 percent share in my cattle business, or, the hand of my beautiful daughter in marriage.& One evening, just as he finished giving this challenge, there was a splash in the pool. Everyone turned to see a man still dressed in his dinner jacket swimming as fast as he could across the pool. He got out just in time as the shark barely missed him. Everyone around the pool began to cheer and shout. Once the noise died down, the millionaire said, &I&m a man of my word. What do you want? The million dollars?& The man who swam across the pool, still out of breath said, &No, I don&t want the million dollars.& &Oh&, said the millionaire, &Perhaps you want 25 percent of my cattle business.& The swimmer said, &No, I don&t want that.& &Well then!& said the millionaire, &You want to marry my daughter.& &I don&t want to marry your daughter.& said the man. &Well what in the world do you want son?& said the millionaire. &All I want& said the man, &is... the name of the person that pushed me in that pool!&
There was a young man who lived in a boarding house by the seashore. His landlord was a nice lady who cooked all the meals. She always made wholesome and nutritious meals. Most days she prepared fish and salad for dinner. After some time however, the young man became quite bored with the meals. One day he came home with a few pounds of sausages. He presented them to the Landlady and said, &Would you mind making these for supper? I haven&t had sausages for the longest time.& The landlady said, &I don&t mind really. It&s just that I&ve never actually cooked sausage before&. The young man said, &Oh, don&t worry, just cook them the same way you do the fish&.
The young man could hardly wait for supper. When he came to the dinner table, the landlady placed a plate in front of him that quite puzzled him. All he saw were these long skinny shriveled things. He just stared. The landlady finally said, &There&s not much to them once you take the guts out is there?&
Hair Colour
Expanded version of
joke submitted by:
Ray Scanlan, Alpha for Prisons - Brampton, Canada
Four doctors at a medical convention were sitting and chatting in the hotel lobby during one of the breaks. As a diversion to all the medical information they had been hearing, they began discussing their experience with women. The first doctor who happened to be a psychiatrist said, &I tend to find brunettes as down to earth, smart and very practical.& The second doctor who was also a psychiatrist said, &I find blonds to be fun, bubbly and generally care-free.& The third doctor who also happened to be a psychiatrist said, & I find redheads tend to be fiery, unique and like lots of adventure.& There was a pause in the conversation and they all happened to look at the fourth doctor who was a dentist. Feeling a little intimidated, he said, &I really don&t know. I&ve been married to same women for 27 years and frankly, she&s been all three and I don&t see the difference!&
When the Smith family moved into their new house, a visiting grandparent asked five-year-old Tommy how he liked the new place. &It&s great,& he said. &I have my own room, Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad.&
Casual Fridays
There was a company that decided to implement a &Casual Fridays& policy.
Below are a series of memos sent out.
Casual Day Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m., Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of &Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards& has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter &You Are What You Wear& and consult the &home casual& versus &business casual& checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo No. 6 : Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
New Taxi Driver
A passenger in a taxi
tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,
&Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't
realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the
driver replied, &I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my
first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
The Juggler
A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. &The police officer noticed several Machetes laying on the passenger side seat and asked the driver what they were for.
The juggler replied &Oh, I juggle them in my act.&
&The policeman was suspicious and said
&Really? Let's see you do it.& The juggler got out of the car and started tossing and catching the knives in the air. Another man was driving by and slowed down to watch. After a few moments, the man watching got on his cell phone and called his wife. &Honey, I&m glad I stopped drinking. You should see the drinking test the police do now!&
A couple of shorties
&A nurse says to the doctor, 'Doctor, doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.' The doctor replies, 'Tell him I can't see him now.'&
Did you hear about the two peanuts in Central park?...
One was assaulted.... a salted :)
Brake Fluid
A mechanic accidentally swallowed some brake fluid and really liked the taste. Before he knew it, he'd polished off a whole bottle of the stuff. His buddy George caught him sneaking a swig the next day. &That stuff is dangerous,& George said. &You've gotta give it up.& &Don't worry,& the mechanic said, &I can stop any time I want.&
The greatest hitter in the world
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. &I'm the greatest hitter in the world,& he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. &Strike One!& he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, &I'm the greatest hitter in the world!& He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. &Strike Two!& he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, &I'm the greatest hitter in the world!& Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. &Strike Three!&
&Wow!& he exclaimed. &I'm the greatest PITCHER in the world!&
Two goats were eating lunch in the junk yard. One goat came across a large reel of movie film left over from an old movie theatre. As the first goat ate the film, the second goat watched with much interest as it had never seen movie film before. When the first goat had finished eating all the film, the second asked &So, how did you like it?& to which the first goat replied &Not bad... but I liked the book better!&
A elderly man was standing in line waiting to get a table at a local restaurant. The man saw a little boy also waiting in line with his family. The man said hello to the boy and asked him how old he was. &Six.& The little boy said. &Wow. That is great.& The man replied. Then, wanting to have a little fun with him he
said, &I wish I knew how old I was.& This clearly surprised the boy as he peered at the man with a really funny look on his face. &What?& the little boy
said. &I don't know how old I am,& the man replied. &I guess I just forgot.& The little boy let out a sigh and, without missing a beat, he very matter-of-factly said, &Don't worry, just wait till your next birthday and count the candles.&
The Golfer
As a rule, I don't tell golf jokes at Alpha because usually only
golfers appreciate them. However, for your personal enjoyment-
if you are a golfer...
A golfer was about to take his first shot on the first hole. He swung and completely missed the ball. He swung a second time and missed again. He took his
3rd swing and still hit nothing but air. In frustration he turned to his buddies and said &Boy this is a tough course&
A father and his son went fishing one day. After a while in the boat, the young boy began to ask his father some questions, &Dad, this boat is made of steel. How come it floats?& The father thought for a moment, and said, &I&m not sure son.& After a little while, the boy asked, &Dad, how do fish breath underwater?& The father thought for a while and said, &That&s a good question son, I&m not sure.& Still, a little later the boy asked his father, &Dad, why is the sky blue?& Again, the father thought for a while and replied. &I&m sorry son, I don&t know. I think I use to know once but I guess I forgot.& Worried that he was annoying his father, the boy said, &Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?& &Of course not son&, his father said... &If you don't ask questions, how will you ever learn anything?!&
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light
was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat
was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned
that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went
on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Mildred! did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh dear! Am I driving?"