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Dealing with an Older Stepson
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Question: My husband and I have developed a serious conflict over how to handle his 19-year-old son (my stepson). The son recently left college and moved back home, and he now seems determined to live his own life. He doesn’t work. He doesn’t show respect to me and in fact is often hostile. Yet he expects me to provide his meals and clean his clothes. Whenever I talk to my husband about the problem, he takes the side of his son. In my mind, the son is old enough to make it on his own. The situation has become so tense that I have told my husband that he needs to make a choice of whether he wants to keep our marriage going or not. What should I do?
Dennis: There are a lot of issues here. The first is their marriage covenant. When a man and a woman come together in marriage, part of the vow says, “Forsaking all others.” That means the husband and wife will give preference to one another—even in a blended family situation. Kids need to know that there is one relationship in that family that transcends all other relationships and can’t be toyed with. They need the security of knowing that this husband and this wife are still going to be committed to one another, regardless of what happens.
I’d suggest that the husband consider taking his wife away and devising a game plan for how they will deal with this issue. He may need to ask forgiveness for failing to protect her in this situation. They need to talk through the situation—perhaps the husband fears that he will lose his relationship with his son if he cracks down.
Barbara: It may be that this 19-year-old young man sees that Dad is on his side and the stepmom is not. As a couple, they really need to get together and present a united front. There have been plenty of times that Dennis and I have disagreed in handling the kids. But we’ve tried to keep our mouths shut when the kids are there and talk about it later privately. We don’t present two totally different opinions in front of the kids so that they can play off one or the other.
Dennis: The wife is right—it’s time for that young man to grow up. The husband and wife need to agree and clarify to the stepson what’s appropriate and inappropriate for how he relates to his stepmother. She needs to be protected. If he doesn’t comply with your guidelines, tell him that he will need to move into his own apartment. Even if he does comply, they all need to come to an agreement about when this young man should get a job and move out on his own.
Barbara: I’m reminded of a situation that we faced as a family years ago with a child in the neighborhood who was a bully to our children. One of my thoughts at the time was, “I wish this child didn’t live near us.” But he was there, and I knew as a Christian, I had to love that child too. I began to ask the Lord to give me love for him. So I began to miraculously give me a genuine compassion for the child because of God.
In the same way, I can see how a stepmom could wish this child wasn’t in the family. But the God of the universe can put love in our hearts for people who are unlovely. Children in blended families are going to feel like they don’t belong, and they often take it out on the stepparent. So that makes it harder for the stepparent to love in return. I would encourage this mom to try to love the son as much as possible. If she is a Christian, I encourage her to take this issue to God and pray for a genuine love for the stepson. She should get to know the stepson and see what the real needs of his heart are. That doesn’t mean that she has to go soft on him. But if the stepson and her husband see she genuinely loves and cares for the son, that will go a long way toward resolving the problem.
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Peaceful Single Girl5 Extraordinary Ways To Say “I’m Sorry” and Mean It (using this 2-step process) | PickTheBrain | Motivation and Self Improvement
Day 53: 5 Extraordinary Ways To Say “I’m Sorry” and Mean It (using this 2-step process)
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Why is it so hard to say the words we so desperately want to hear?
Many times we turn the simple task of saying, “I’m sorry” into a chicken and egg game. Or worse, we use it to guilt others, or withhold it to hurt.
Do you find yourself actually taking the gift of an apology, whether given or received, as your opportunity to “win”? (If the word “but” is anywhere near the words “I’m sorry”, you aren’t apologizing, you’re trying to be right.)
Because you are missing two fundamental components of the foundation you need to build for a heartfelt apology that can be felt by the other person and by you!
Accepting Responsibility
If you’re like most people, your perception of the situation is clouded by the hurt you’re feeling when someone you love is upset with you.
It also might be difficult for you to acknowledge and accept your reaction to any situation as being in your control.
Unfortunately, we live in a left-brain-logic controlled world, where the right side of the brain (passion, creativity, love) is locked up in a prison camp of right and wrong, only engaged when the left brain says, “hey we need to be upset here!”
When we “see” with our hearts, we get side-tracked, applying meaning to every action and inaction, weakening our ability to accept responsibility for the words we chose to use while under duress.
By seeing instead with our minds, we lose our vulnerability and gain a capacity to receive.
Try using statements such as, “I’m sorry my reaction hurt you. I was feeling unimportant to you. I chose the wrong words, which made the situation worse. I love you very much. I value you. And I’m deeply sorry my reaction pushed your buttons.”
Remember some people are hard to apologize to, as they take the opportunity to drive home how wrong you were and how right they were.
Your ability to hold your space and stay focused on the sincerity of your apology is determined only by the strength of your emotional fitness.
However, just because you are ready to say “I’m sorry”, doesn’t mean the other person is ready to hear it.
A sincere apology does not need a response, nor wants one.
It is about you apologizing for your contribution to the situation – that’s it!
Respond to any negative comments by staying true to YOU.
Try these words …
“Again, I understand. I hear you when you say my actions or words hurt you, and I’m sorry for hurting you. I love you and only want to find a way to move past this. I understand you might not be ready to talk, so know how important this is to me to resolve, and please let me know when you feel better and can guide me to a better place with you. “
#2 The Art Of Letting Go
This does NOT just mean you have to forgive and forget. You must heal your hurt too. However, if you can accept and acknowledge your contribution to the situation, this will free you from residue from the conflict.
The easiest way to let go is to ask YOURSELF one question, “Which is more valuable? The idea of being right, or the relationship?”
Ideas are a dime a dozen and can change on a whim. You shouldn’t protect them with your “life” or at the expense of those you care about.
The rules and meanings you put with your actions and words are not always the same ones used by those close to you.
Avoid seeing other people’s actions through your filter of right and wrong, and how you treat others. While your highest commitment to your partner could be a dedication to being on time, he or she may not actually put value on this. You can’t take offense to something that isn’t the intentional slight you perceive it to be.
Well, you can, but you’ll be miserable if you hold onto it!
5 Ways To Say I’m Sorry And Show Them That You Mean It
Hug. It’s hard to stay mad when you hug someone. Physical touch can bridge the widest of emotional distances.
Write or find a poem showing how you feel about the other person outside of this situation. Keep it simple, give the poem to the person you wronged, and say, “I’m sorry.
I know that might not be good enough right now and I’ve struggled to find the right words beyond I’m sorry. I found this poem with better words than I could ever write to tell you how important you are to me. Please accept my apology when you feel better.”
Give the person a list of the top 5 reasons they are important to you. Add a note at the end explaining, “I told myself a long time ago to remember these 5 amazing things that make you special to me.
I let you down and I let myself down when I forgot those today.
Please forgive me.
I can’t imagine missing even one moment because I chose to use the wrong words, did the wrong thing and hurt you.”
Create an online collage of 10 photos of amazing places you’ve been together or fun experiences you’ve shared.
Add a message to the gift, such as, “Nothing is more important than the magical moments you’ve given my life. My 8-year old inner child forgot that today and I’m sorry.”
Make a donation to the other person’s favorite charity. Get a receipt of the donation, hand it to the other person and apologize by saying, “I’m sorry. I know better than anyone that actions speak louder than words, but that words hurt. I honor you, I value you and I want to better for us. I started today by putting you first and contributing to a cause near and dear to your heart. Because I know who you are, what you stand for and all I want to do is love and support you – I’m sorry I forgot this today. I hope you accept my apology and see this action as my attempt to move us back in the right direction.
Remember none of these apologies will work unless you get in a state of truly being sorry for your part in the situation.
Use the 2-step process I’ve shared and do something extraordinary to drive the point home.
The beautiful thing about apologies – if they are sincere, you really only need two words “I’m sorry.”
But it’s always nice to do something extra. Take this as an opportunity to turn life’s lemons, and your humanity, into something transformational for the other person.
What unique apologies have you given or been moved by?
I’d love for you to share them so others can start healing themselves and their relationships today.
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