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Although I will jealousy she can got your love..But the time goes by so slowly,and time can do so much,you still not mine..I don't cry because it is over.I will smile because it happened..I gone up the naturty..So i won't like years gone by.Never frown,even when I sad..
尽管我会嫉妒她能得到你的爱……时间过的是如此的慢,虽然时间能让人做很多事,但你仍然不属于我……我不会哭,因为一切都结束了.我会笑着去面对,因为这一切都发生了.我会让一切随风而去因此我不会让岁月流逝即使伤心时,我也永不皱眉……
为您推荐：
其他类似问题
尽管我嫉妒她能得到你的爱时间过的如此的慢，而且时间可以改变很多但你依旧不是我的我不会哭，因为一切都已结束我会微笑，因为曾经拥有过我会顺其自然？因此我不想让岁月流逝即使伤心，我也不皱眉……
明天你是否依然爱我。
扫描下载二维码Practical Dating Tips & Relationship Advice
How to Overcome and Abandon Jealousy
How to Overcome and Abandon Jealousy
Few qualities are more unattractive in a person and are unhealthy to a romantic relationship or even casual dating than jealousy. Jealousy leads to insecurity, anger, unfounded and unnecessary fights in relationships and painful break-ups for no good reason. Thus, learning how to overcome and abandon jealousy can be critical to having a good dating life and romantic relationships that last.
I remember asking one of my female classmates to go out dancing. We have been talking and studying together once in a while. She had a boyfriend and she knew I had a girlfriend. My behavior around her was not flirtatious or suggestive in any way and I was definitely not interested in her sexually. Also, we were going with a group of classmates so it wouldn’t just be me and her. In other words, there was no reason to suspect that I was romantically interested in her or that she will be in any kind of “bad” situation. Despite that, her response to my invitation to go dancing was very surprising to me. She told me that she couldn’t go because her boyfriend wouldn’t allow her to go to a club with anyone, unless he was coming as well, and he didn’t want to go. It wasn’t that I was the problem for her boyfriend. She couldn’t go out without him at all, even with her girlfriends. I was kind of shocked to hear that the guy was expecting that from his girlfriend and that she was actually ok with that.
There was so much I wanted to tell her about this, but I didn’t know where to start.
Jealousy is one of the worst poisons to any relationship. The devastating effects of jealousy are twofold: first, jealousy ruins good communication between people, causing a multitude of unfounded
secondly, jealousy conveys some of the most unattractive qualities in a jealous person such as lack of confidence and insecurity which are some of the biggest turn offs for both men and women.
Jealousy and irrational suspicion of your dating partner loyalty indicate insecurity in a person’s self-worth and lack of confidence in his ability to attract and keep a partner interested. A lover who suspects his partner of unfaithfulness without having real evidence of that will literally “terrorize” him by questioning and constantly treating him as a suspect of the crime of cheating. This is one of the reasons that overcoming jealousy is critical to both maintaining a good relationship and saving the one that’s one the brink of break up because of jealousy.
Ironically, we are more likely be jealous and let it adversely affect our behavior, if the relationship is otherwise great, and if we are particularly happy with our partner and know that the relationship we are in is great and isn’t easy to find or replace. Our jealousy and possessiveness is thus a side effect of our desire not to lose something that is special and very precious to us. And the more precious our partner is to us, the more carefully we guard him / her by being jealous. That concern and fear of loss of someone great and special leads us to over-protecting it. Being suspicious, showing lack of trust, and questioning your partner way too much about his whereabouts in an investigating manner cause unnecessary arguments and fights are all consequences of jealousy.
Don’t let this happen to you – don’t let your jealousy sabotage a good relationship.
If you believe that you subject your partner to jealousy for no rational reason, start working on overcoming it immediately. Eliminating jealousy is not a quick process. Jealousy is a trait of character, a frame of mind and an emotion. As such – getting rid of it is a gradual process that requires work, self-reflection, patience, and persistence. The good news is that the rewards of dealing with and overcoming jealousy will likely keep you free of jealousy for the rest of your life and will make your future relationships much more successful and much less likely to fall apart because of your possessiveness and tendency to be too controlling.
So, what are the steps that you can take to deal with and overcome jealousy and possessiveness?
The first and the most important step in dealing with jealousy is, like with many other issues is recognizing that you have a problem and admitting it to yourself and to your partner. Most people who have jealousy issues are in denial and refuse to admit that their behavior and perception are irrational and their lack of trust is unsubstantiated by any real facts. Recognizing that you have a problem is essential to your motivation to work on it and to your success in overcoming jealousy. Once you have passed this crucial first step and have recognized that you are jealous, I suggest that you adopt the following, proven-to-be-effective beliefs. These beliefs will gradually eliminate your jealousy and all of its manifestations:
Become aware and accept the fact that whether you trust the person you are with or not, whether you question his actions or not, and whether you “spy” on him has no positive effect on his behavior and faithfulness. If a man or a woman wants to cheat, he / she will find a way to cheat, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. So, stop it! Stop assuming the worst about him. Stop wondering where he is and what he is doing at any given moment! Learn
with your partner. It will not do any good to either you or him. Assume the best about your partner and his faithfulness to you until and unless you have real reasons to believe otherwise, because there are simply no better options.
Keep in mind that the only reason, the only thing that keeps your partner around you is his desire to be with you. Nothing else keeps either of you near each other, and certainly not your jealousy. And his desire to be with you comes not from your pressure to be together, not from your being jealous or your attempts to convince him to be faithful to you, but from your other qualities that make you attractive and desirable to your partner. Your efforts to keep your partner have no positive effect on your relationship. If anything, it might put excess pressure on that person – something that no one enjoys and tolerates for very long. Remember that the best “leash” is the loose one or even better – a total absence thereof.
To remove your mind from jealous thoughts, become a little more selfish. Spend more of your time and your emotional and intellectual resources on building yourself as an individual rather than perceiving yourself as part of the relationship. Work on your career and your other goals. Take a class in a field that you have an interest in, learn a new language, engage in a form of creative art, take a dance class, and do anything else that you have or might have an interest in, so that there is more to your life than just that relationship, and so that your life does not revolve around any given person and his faithfulness to you. Pursuing other objectives of your life will prevent you from obsessing over your partner and will keep you in a much healthier emotional state, free of jealousy.
By getting rid of jealousy, you will exhibit some of the most attractive qualities in you. You will show your confidence in yourself and in your ability to attract the other person and maintain his exclusive romantic interest in you without doing it with force. You will affirm your value as a wise person. Don’t miss out on such an easy way to demonstrate those great qualities by rising above jealousy.
Remember, there is no insurance policy for maintaining any relationship. Any relationship can fall apart at any time, however stable and long lasting it has been so far. Just look around – 20-year and longer marriages fall apart every day for all kinds of reasons. I don’t mean to say this to be negative or cynical about life or to make you even more skeptical about love and loyalty. And, this doesn’t mean that you have to expect the worst, but it does mean that you have to recognize that to a large extent, any relationship is inherently unpredictable. Whether you are casually dating someone or are married, whether you have been together for one month or twenty years, it’s possible that your relationship will end at any time for a hundred possible reasons.And jealousy certainly won’t help make any relationship more stable.
What does this mean to you?
This means that you should enjoy and appreciate your relationships as long as they last. At the same time you should accept and embrace the possibility that any such relationship might be over one day. And if it is, it will be tough to deal with, especially if you really, really like someone, but you will always get over it with time. It will not be the end of the world for you. Your duty is being the best you can be in a relationship that you want to have. The rest is not up to you. The rest depends on your partner and you have no control over it. And, whatever you have no control over, should not concern you or be a cause of your anxieties.
As you are successfully fighting and overcoming jealousy, you will start experiencing tremendous freedom. This is the kind of freedom where you enjoy your love life without the taxing pain of constant jealousy and insecurity and the pleasure of giving your partner a better, wiser, stronger, and happier you! Once your partner feels more free and less restricted by your jealousy, he will likely find you more attractive. No one really enjoys being on a tight leash.
Despite all the negative things that can be said about jealousy, it seems that this emotion is part of human nature. For hundreds or even thousands of years jealousy and desire for revenge lead to murders, wars, and other smaller-scale conflicts. Perhaps accepting that we are all prone to jealousy to some extent is an important step toward knowing how to handle it and how to not let it negatively affect your personal, professional and romantic life. After all, being jealous of a co-worker who was promoted over you is just as bad as being jealous of your dating partner or that other person who managed to attract the one you wanted to be with.
Once you free yourself of jealousy, you will come across as a far more confident person who is much more fun to be around.
It’s possible that your partner might be used to seeing more jealousy in general or from you specifically, and he might mistake your non-jealous ways for not caring. If that’s the case, you should remind your partner that the reason you are not jealous is because you do care but you also have trust in him, and you realize that jealousy doesn’t do any good. After all, it cannot prevent any problems if they are otherwise bound to happened.
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Recent CommentsJEALOUSY---Romantic Jealousy: Cause and Prevention---by James
Leonard Park.
& Prevention
Jealousy arises
in 'loving' relationships because of three factors:
(1) comparison, (2) competition,
& (3) the fear of being replaced.
If we become more autonomous and
self-creating,
these three features of relationships
become less significant
and hence the passion of jealousy
becomes less likely.
However, within
ordinary, possessive relationships, jealousy is normal:
If we find ourselves replaced,
supplanted,
traded-in for a better
we naturally feel a tremendous sense
of loss, anger, grief, & betrayal.
bitter feeling
of hurt and hostility called "jealousy"
can become one of the most powerful
obsessions of human life.
And yet, this emotion is a
product—with deep cultural roots.
If enculturation has taught us how to feel jealous,
can we transcend those learned responses
and create relationships in
which jealousy does not arise?
we are loved
for the unique persons we are becoming,
then comparison with rivals
diminishes.
And when we are no longer in
competition
with other women or men,
we become less vulnerable to feelings of jealousy.
If we become irreplaceable
in our relationships, then jealousy disappears.
Thus, the basic
way to prevent jealousy
is to become unique and irreplaceable
And becoming more Authentic might be a good way
to transcend the threat of being
replaced by potential rivals.
THE DYNAMICS OF
Telephone Service
Will He Choose?
Comparison Game.
PREVENTING JEALOUSY BY
BECOMING IRREPLACEABLE
Replaceability—Being Better
Means Being the Same.
Might Become
Singular and Irreplaceable.
AUTHENTIC LOVE
EMERGES FROM SINGULARITY
WHAT TO DO ABOUT
Length:& 10.4 KB
& Prevention
James Leonard Park
THE DYNAMICS OF JEALOUSY
Thought experiment: Close your eyes
and imagine the one you love in
the arms of another.&
How does this make you feel?
Jealousy arises in human relationships because of
comparison,
competition, & the fear of being replaced.
We can easily see why jealousy often
arises in relationships
that involve
only our physical and psychological dimensions
—because comparison
and competition are almost unavoidable
when we think
of people in terms of their bodies and personalities.
But if we become
more Authentic, we move beyond jealousy
because we
love from the depths of our self-creating uniqueness.
A.& Which Telephone Service Will He Choose?
The jealousy easily aroused in ordinary 'loving' relationships
is like the
rivalry between telephone companies.
All the companies
vie for the business of the phone-user.
They all provide
basically the same service, fill the same needs.
Likewise, two women or two men
who are competing
for the affections of the same person
present their
comparable qualities in the best possible light.
Since they
see themselves as providing the same services,
filling the
same needs (companionship, affection, security, etc.),
each must claim
to perform the desired functions better.
They exhibit
and advertise their physical and emotional qualities,
hoping to appear
than their competitors.
But loving on the basis of Authenticity
—appreciating
others as unique, self-creating persons,
valuing them
for their singular Authentic projects-of-being—
like comparing telephone companies.
Singular persons
do not fill the same
They are not
competing with one another
—even when
limited time requires a choice between them—
because they
are not trying to
provide similar 'loving' services.
B.& The Comparison Game
Some people, however, often find themselves feeling jealous
because they
and support comparison and competition.
hard to be the ideal 'feminine' or 'masculine' type
that happens
to be popular on the erotic market
—hoping to
be better than their
competitors!
This leads
them to modify their physical appearance
and to play
the most desirable personality-types.
Women who are trying to be the most physically attractive
or the most
pleasing 'feminine' personalities
are hiding
their individuality
and competing
with other women to be the most desirable female.
They want to
be regarded as the best of some popular type:
beautiful woman,
intelligent woman, sexy woman,
pleasing woman,
sweet-and-inoffensive woman, etc.
On this level,
all the women are competing and being compared
according the
same standard—what men
generally want.
Each woman
is striving to be better
than other women
rather than
trying to become unique
and singular.
Likewise, men who are trying to be the smartest, the strongest,
the richest,
the most handsome are emphasizing
to compete with other men on these well-defined criteria.
Attempting to present ourselves as fulfillers
of general,
pre-existing needs works the same way.
People shopping
for love (or who are looking for buyers)
present themselves
as good providers of what people generally want
—be it security,
affection, warmth, protection, sex,
communication,
companionship, understanding, or whatever.
They do not
want to be seen as unique and incomparable individuals
but as better
functionaries
than the next person,
able to satisfy pre-existing needs.
If we base our 'desirability' on comparison and competition,
we will always
be threatened by the possibility that a new model
will "turn
the head" of someone we have fascinated for awhile.
We can always be replaced.
When we are
valued for our physical and
psychological traits,
it is quite
likely that better examples of such bodies
and temperaments
will come along.
The comparison
game is epitomized in this jealous challenge:
"What has she
got that I don't have?"
PREVENTING JEALOUSY BY BECOMING IRREPLACEABLE
A.& Replaceability—Being
Means Being the Same.
In the drama of ordinary love, we play well-scripted roles,
complex patterns
of interaction we have learned from our culture.
And because
all the lines and moves are well known in advance,
an understudy
could easily step-in and take-over our functions
—if we become
too old for the part, fall ill, or even die.
But what if
an understudy handles the role better than the star?
Perhaps whoever
fills the role best will get the job permanently!
When we feel the threat of being replaced in one of our roles,
we usually
strive to become the best
player of that part.
Our culture
says—in the job-market as well as the love-market—
that excellence
is the best way to beat the competition.
So we compete
with the others within accepted criteria:
We try to be
the best social companions for those we want to attract,
the best cooks,
best sex-partners, best providers,
the most stimulating
and interesting personalities
—becoming the
best at whatever
popular women or men provide.
But becoming 'better' than
others really means being
Excellence
is a measure of conformity
to an agreed cultural ideal.
Jealousy is
prevented not by excellence
but by irreplaceability.
B.& How We Might Become
Singular and Irreplaceable.
We all come from the same gene pool,
and our personalities
have been shaped primarily by human cultures.
Biological
and cultural accidents
have made us particular
But as we become
more aware of ourselves, we gain the capacity
to re-create
ourselves to be singular and irreplaceable persons.
If we use our
freedom to redirect our lives toward our own goals,
we can rise
above the biological 'purposes' given by nature
and we can
transcend the ready-made life-patterns of any culture.
In the long process of re-making ourselves, we begin with
our original
personalities as created by our parents and culture.
And the sooner
we understand the depth of our social conditioning,
the sooner
we can begin to re-shape our
lives to our own designs.
Every inch
of this struggle toward greater Authenticity must be won
against tremendous
social pressures to conform, to be like others,
to adopt the comfortable patterns of life we see
around us.
If we consistently pursue our new, invented life-purposes,
after several
years of growth, we might completely replace our selves.
From an existential
perspective, we are what we
we can be defined
by the projects we undertake.
As we re-invent ourselves by choosing new life-purposes,
we will become
of a kind, singular,
irreplaceable,
inimitable,
incomparable,
unprecedented.
The important
differences between us and other people
will not be
found in superficial, measurable quantities
(having more
hair or slimmer legs)
or in comparable
qualities of temperament
(having a better
sense of humor, being more warm and tender).
Bodily or temperamental
differences do not make us unique.
With respect
to our physical and psychological characteristics,
we differ from
others only in degree,
never in kind.
But we can become
intrinsically different from everyone else
by reconstructing
our selves from the core, from our inner depths.
We must design
our own plans for our lives.
After years
of deciding the fundamental directions of our lives,
we become more
the creations of our own free choices
than the products
of genetic endowment
and cultural conditioning.
We become non-reproducible
persons with never-repeatable lives.
AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS EMERGE FROM SINGULARITY
Ordinarily, personal relationships build from below,
beginning with
physical and psychological traits many people share.
Sometimes people
actually try to displace their competitors
by presenting
themselves as more desirable women or men.
Jealousy is
likely within the ordinary game of love
because the
players are not unique; they easily replace one another.
But Authentic relationships emerge from uniqueness.
When love arises
from the appreciation of each other's singularity
rather than
from qualities or
characteristics many people have,
there is no
basis for comparison or competition
—and no danger
of replacing one love-partner with another.
Thus, singularity prevents
the possibility of jealousy:
If we have
emerged beyond our culturally-given roles and identities
—making comparison,
competition, & replacement impossible—
we are secure
within ourselves, knowing that we are utterly unique.
And if we love from our uniqueness, jealousy is prevented.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT JEALOUSY
But until we become singular and unique, we might feel jealous.
What can we
do about this deep sense of pain, confusion, betrayal?
At first, we might ignore
our jealousy, hoping it will go away.
If we suspect
that we have been replaced in someone's heart,
we might say:
"Do whatever you want, but don't tell me about it."
Our second inclination might be to resist and deny our jealousy.
Perhaps we see
jealousy as an immature
feeling we should overcome.
But the feeling
of jealousy is not wrong—as
a toothache is not wrong.
Rather, jealousy
indicates a deeper problem in our relationships.
Instead of
treating this healthy symptom—jealousy—with aspirin
(by denying
our fears of replacement, trying not to notice our pain),
we should correct
the possessiveness behind our jealousy.
Becoming more Authentic is a very important way
to re-create
ourselves as unique, irreplaceable persons.
If we know
we are and what our
relationships mean,
we will not
have to resist or deny the feeling of jealousy
because it
simply will not appear when multiple loving begins.
Jealousy is not a 'bad', immature feeling to be resisted.
In fact, it
can become a test of the
uniqueness of our relationships:
If jealousy
is still possible, the relationships are not yet unique.
When love is a unique relationship between irreplaceable persons
—who focus
their lives around freely-chosen Authentic projects—
then comparison,
competition, & replacement are impossible.
When we become
utterly unique human beings,
no other person
could ever replace us in our loving relationships.
The other loves
of the persons we love might also be unique relationships.
Thus, as we
love more Authentically, jealousy disappears.
2-15-----2003;
11-2-2006;
4-22------2011;
2-29-2012;
2-10----2015;
James Park is an existential philosopher
and author of several books on love, sex, & relationships.
This article
is based on a chapter called
"Loving without
As We Become
More Authentic, Jealousy Disappears"
from his most
popular book
This on-line essay has now became a chapter in a new book on love:
Moving beyond jealousy is just one part of a larger process
of reinventing your own loving relationships.
Much more will be learned about James Park by visiting his website:
which now has more than 1,200 rooms.
OTHER BOOKS ON JEALOUSY
Several other
helpful books will be found in the
Bibliography:
If "Romantic
Jealousy: Cause and Prevention"
has set your
mind on fire with responses and further questions,
you can find
more such stimulation in these books.
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