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Foreign men share their reasons for divorcing Japanese wives
Earlier this month, we brought you an article about foreign men sounding off on the difficulties of having a Japanese wife. While some of their complaints were understandable and others were just downright silly (you can’t deal with tofu? C’mon!), international relationships in real life don’t always end as happily as in the movie “My Darling is a Foreigner.”
Continuing the international marriage theme in a more unfortunate direction, we now bring you the voices of some foreign men who have gone through the experience of divorcing Japanese women. You might be surprised to learn that the main catalyst for divorce in each of their scenarios was rarely related directly to cultural differences. Instead, it seems that a combination of other factors played the decisive role.
While there is a certain allure to the thought of having a spouse from another country, such marriages also comes with their own hardships, and it is said that as many as 40% of international marriages end in divorce. Japanese blogger Madame Riri recently posted an article exploring this issue by sharing the stories of men who were asked to described the reasons they divorced their Japanese wives. Let’s take a look at some of those reasons.
First, practical issues concerning family and money played a large role in their decisions. One man mentions how he couldn’t afford to keep up with payments month after month. He tried to please his wife by buying a nice house, car, and going on overseas vacations. But such an extravagant lifestyle on top of paying off expensive school fees, child support from a previous marriage, and helping his wife’s parents financially proved to be too much:
“I think the reason for my divorce what that I mistakenly thought I could make everyone happy because I had a well-paying job. Ultimately, I couldn’t live up to those expectations.”
Another man was placed in a different terrible situation. According to him, although cultural misunderstandings were present in his marriage, they were not the root cause for divorce because he and his wife were both aware of and accepted the differences. Instead, it all boiled down to logistics:
“Because there was no one but me to take care of my aging parents, I would have had to leave Japan. Either I would have to bring my parents to Japan or my wife would have to bring her parents to Virginia.”
In the end, the couple decided to split. The man remarks that he and his ex-wife still love each other, but cannot be together due to the circumstances. Our hearts go out to you…
Like any other couple in the world, issues surrounding children can either make or break a relationship. Here’s what one man had to say about his experience:
“In my case, the reason for our divorce was simple. My wife wanted to have kids, and I didn’t. I’m not saying that the divorce wasn’t painful, but we could split fairly amicably. I ended up remarrying a woman who like me also doesn’t want children but would rather focus her energy on work.”
The next anecdote is a bit different, as the writer happens to be a foreign woman in a relationship with a Japanese man. They had once dated in the past, but the relationship eventually became strained due to their different ways of thinking and separate values, especially regarding work. However, after a period of 12 years, they have started dating again, only to be met with opposition from both families:
“My family is very opposed to this relationship. They like him as a person, but they don’t believe that he can make me happy. His parents feel the same way. We really do love each other, but I guess in reality love alone isn’t enough. It’s sad…”
Many men listed issues of love, sex, and compatibility as being big factors in their divorces. Here’s from a man whose marriage appears to be in a critical condition:
“I’m currently on the verge of getting divorced. Things have spiraled down to the point where my wife and I are discussing whether or not she will take the children back with her to Japan. If we split, the reason will be due to the absence of sex in our marriage. My wife seems to have lost all of her sex drive, although I still have mine. Apart from that, everything in our marriage was going well…”
Next, a man describes how he and his Japanese wife were married at a young age, which led to a conflict of interests as they grew older:
“When all of her friends were getting married, I was her boyfriend. When all of those friends were getting divorced, I should have realized what was going to happen. Many people blame their failed international marriage on cultural differences, but in our case it was simply avoiding responsibility on both of our ends.”
In his words, he was so young when they got married that he didn’t yet know what he really wanted to do in life. When he finally figured it out, that route didn’t include his wife. From her end, she became unhappy married to a husband who had to work 70-hour weeks of manual labor to support their living. In her loneliness she resorted to cheating on him with her ex-boyfriend. Because they weren’t honest enough at the onset about their real desires, their marriage arrived at a dead-end.
Next, a number of men remarked that their Japanese wives’ tendency to resort to anger or violence played a central role in leading to divorce. Let’s hear from a few of these cases.
“The reason that my marriage of 20 years failed was because my wife would often make a mountain out of a molehill. Many problems that could have been solved in a few minutes were blown out of proportion. It wasn’t good for our mental health.”
Similarly:
“I’m glad we got divorced. We split during our tenth year of marriage. I am now raising our two children in Australia. My ex-wife’s violent side was terrible. I couldn’t stand her lies anymore, or her neglect to our sons. It was a very bitter experience, but after getting divorced I am now living a much better lifestyle.”
The following comes from a man who has been married for seven years but whose marriage is rocky to say the least. He claims that married life would be easier if they didn’t have two young children:
“I heard this from my professor friend who specializes in international cultural exchange, but Japanese men and women are skilled at adapting themselves to different roles depending on the place and situation. For example, they almost seem to undergo a transformation in character when they change from a student into a working adult, or from a wife into a mother. I don’t know if this is related to my case at all, but my wife used to be a calm and carefree woman. But after the birth of first child, she became almost like onibaba” [Onibaba refers to a “demon-hag” in Japanese folklore that appears as an old woman and eats humans].
Now consider this bizarre case. I think anyone would want to divorce a wife like this, regardless of her nationality…
“I first began to have doubts about the future of our marriage after just returning from our honeymoon when my wife farted right in front of me. Because she had irritable bowel syndrome, it was really smelly. Our marriage crumbled apart like flakes of paint falling from a wall. She would steal food from my plate and take anything she wanted. And she was really demanding in bed – if I couldn’t meet her demands, she would pinch my ears, hit me in the ribs, or kick me down there.”
She probably couldn’t help the flatulence, but the rest of it? Yikes.
We hate to leave you with a such a gloomy ending, so let’s finish up on a more positive note with a man who encourages us all to find a partner who is a “perfect fit”:
“I’m in my mid-60s, and my Japanese wife is in her late 40s. We’ve been married for 23 years. We’ve been through good times and bad times, but have overcome them all and never had to think about getting divorced. I have been divorced twice before, and concluded that I just can’t get along with Western women. But regardless of whether you’re of the same nationality or not, as long as you’re willing to accept any cultural differences and respect one another, you have a chance to be happy.”
As we have seen, despite preconceived notions relating to cultural differences, men who have actually divorced their Japanese wives have a lot more to say about the matter. Issues surrounding mutual feelings of love, faith and compatibility seem to be at the heart of most cases, regardless of the nationality of each person.&
Source: Madame Riri
Read more stories from RocketNews24.———
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你可能喜欢Charlie Swinbourne: The 10 annoying habits of hearing people | The Limping Chicken
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The world's most popular deaf blog! Lays eggs every weekday
Hearing people, eh? You can’t live with them, you can’t live without them.
Of course, the term ‘hearing people’ only really exists in the deaf world, because hearing folk generally see themselves as being, simply, ‘people.’ But to us Deafies, there’s something distinctive about them. We know there are things that only they would do.
Statistics show that five in six people are hearing. That’s a whopping 50 million people in the UK, and nearly 6 billion people worldwide. They’re literally everywhere.
So, listed for convenience, here are the 10 things we’d rather hearing people did a whole lot less – their very most annoying habits.
Apologies in advance for the low-fi sketches – I got a bit carried away.
1. Overhearing things they aren’t even listening to
Whether there’s an office meeting, a social gathering or a major news event, you can bet your bottom dollar that the last person to find out will be the deaf employee.
“But everyone knew about the party!” their colleague will later say, showing a remarkable lack of awareness of how he even found out in the first place – when he overheard the boss talking to the secretary while he was typing at his computer.
Hearing people listen when they’re not even trying to. They even learn things from the information they overhear. This phenomenon is called incidental learning.
Learning without even meaning to? That’s just ANNOYING.
2. Correcting our pronunciation
To hearing people, it seems crazy that a grown man, 31 years of age, say, maybe even the Editor of this site, could pronounce a word incorrectly.
So, as we mispronounce a word, they think the appropriate response is to laugh (as Callum Fox wrote about ) or correct us (as I wrote about in ).
Forgetting, of course, that since we don’t hear so well, we may not have heard quite how a word should sound.
It’s embarrassing, but we can’t help it.
So don’t correct us. Let it slide.
We did the speech therapy. It helped, but clearly, it didn’t fully work.
Let’s move on.
3. Being too subtle
If a deaf person thinks I’ve put on weight, they tell me.
There’s no place to hide with sign language. They point at me, puff out their cheeks, then their hands track a big round shape where their tummy is.
I can see just how fat I’ve become. Despite the initial awkwardness, I know in that moment that I need to cut down on the pies and get myself down the gym.
But if a hearing person thinks I’ve become a bit thick of tum, they do everything they can to hide it.
They look me up and down, do a few mental calculations, and then say “You’re looking well.”
Looking well? What they mean is, “You’ve put on a few pounds mate.” You know it, and they know it.
So why can’t they say it?
More on being direct: The sign of the fat man
4. Faking sneezes
Perhaps the biggest hearing deception of all.
While deaf people sneeze naturally, hearing people feel compelled to add sound effects, in the form of that “ah-choo” noise.
All so they can be more socially acceptable.
Stop thinking you’re a better person because you ‘ah-choo,’ my friend.
Sneeze organically. Sneeze fairtrade.
Sneeze as God intended.
More on sneezing:
5. Looking away while communicating
Hearing people look everywhere when you talk to them.
As if your conversation isn’t interesting enough, they scan the room for other people who might have arrived. They glance at their iPhones in case they have a new message. Or they just stare at the blank wall behind you.
But, in a world of nearly 6 billion hearing people, one of them saw things differently, and perceived an advantage to the way deaf people interact.
We salute you, Bruno Kahne.
Kahne said in
that hearing people could learn a lot from the way deaf people communicate, because deaf people give you their full attention.
He went on to run training courses in how to do this, and is now writing a book.
He’s dead right. Because we lipread, we have to focus hard on people’s lips (sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. by the way).
Because we’re trying to figure out what you’re saying, we can’t switch off.
Because we’re deaf, we’re forced to really LISTEN.
We give you our full attention.
Why not give us yours?
6. When you go a bit deaf, pretending you don’t need hearing aids
This one’s not aimed at hearing people per se, but rather, those who pretend they’re still hearing, despite becoming a bit deaf.
What are they so ashamed of?
Rather than tell people that they don’t understand things from time to time, they pretend they’re not deaf at all. They live in denial.
Soon, their families become frustrated with them for not understanding anything, their neighbours wonder why the television has to be on so loudly all the time, and often, they retreat into a world of their own.
Rather than wear hearing aids and admit they’re a bit deaf, they’d rather be thought of as a bit wacky and random. They’d rather be left out. It’s funny in a way, except it’s also very, very sad.
What’s so bad about being thought of as being deaf, that you’d have to hide it?
More: The shame of wearing hearing aids
7. Singing in tune
Ok, so this one isn’t something we’d necessarily want to change. We don’t want hearing people to start singing out of tune, that wouldn’t be good for us, you, or anybody (although it’d be a lot of fun if it happened, en-masse, during an episode of The Voice).
We’d just like you to be a little less smug about being able to sing in tune.
When we sing along to a song, like The Beatles’ Let it Be, say, or a song from the musical Joseph, or even Happy Birthday – just for the fun of it, just because we love the tune, or we’re in the moment – leave us be.
Don’t tell us how bad we sound.
Don’t act like we shouldn’t even open our mouths in future for fear of offending your precious ears.
Don’t – whatever you do – proceed to then sing it in tune, to show us how it should be done.
We’re deaf. We wear hearing aids. NHS hearing aids. With waxy molds.
We’re never going to be good singers.
Accept it. Cover your ears.
Let us have our moment.
8. Not telling us your life story
When you meet a deaf person for the first time, you don’t just find out the standard bits of information about them: such as where they grew up, or what job they do.
You’re also given exclusive access to their life story.
The exact genetic reason for their deafness. Their family history. Their school. A gritty breakdown of their last two divorces. The state of their current relationship, for good measure.
In roughly the first half hour.
On the other hand, when meeting hearing people, you just find out where they grew up and what job they do.
The rest takes a lifetime to find out.
Really knowing a hearing person takes real commitment, not only to years of friendship, but also years of piecing snippets of information together, while also lipreading what they’re saying.
Just tell us, dear hearing friends – what happened?
Why was your mother in law imprisoned in Cambodia on that family holiday?
We need to know.
9. Assuming
This one’s pretty broad, but we make no apology for that.
Don’t assume… that all deaf people are the same.
Some use sign language, and some lipread. Some like to use a sign language interpreter, others prefer speech-to-text. Some swing both ways on the above, but don’t assume it’s ok to call us ‘swingers’ as a result.
Don’t assume… that because we heard everything you said one day, we’ll hear everything you say the next.
We might be in a noisy place. You might speak less clearly. We might be tired, from, y’know, listening to you all day yesterday.
Don’t assume… you’re cleverer than us because we occasionally mishear something.
You might be cleverer than us, you might not. You won’t know from judging how quickly we make sense of something you say. How about a game of chess?
Basically… don’t assume. Or we’ll assume things about you, too.
Like… you’re not very nice.
Or something along those lines.
10. Shouting at us
I’m finding it hard to understand you, my hearing acquaintance, so why not speak a little more clearly?
Stop mumbling and covering your mouth, or looking around the room.
Look at me, and maybe slow down a little bit.
Whatever you do, don’t start SHOUTING at me.
It’s embarrassing.
It doesn’t help me to understand you.
And it makes me feel a bit scared.
Enjoy reading this list?
It’s only fair…
Have you noticed any annoying hearing habits not listed above? Tell us below!
DISCLAIMER: This site apologises to deaf-aware hearing people who are guilty of none of the above, and also acknowledges that not all of you are like this. Just some of you. Quite a lot of you.
is the Editor of Limping Chicken, as well as being a
and an award-winning . He writes for the
and , and as a scriptwriter, penned the films ,
The Limping Chicken is the UK’s deaf blogs and news website, and is the world’s most popular deaf blog. It is edited by Deaf journalist and filmmaker
Please note that the views of the writers are their own, and not necessarily the views of the Editor or site as a whole. .
Find out how to write for us , or sign a blog for us! Or just email .
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