What is the ideal age gap between husband and wifeUpdated on April 11, 2015Is there really a sound reason behind the traditional practice of women marrying older men? If so, how much older?
That's the crucial question. If a woman marries a man 7 to 10 years older than her, can it be termed as marrying an "old"er man? In present day standards, many women seem to nurture such a view point. Getting married to a man, almost the same age or about 2 to 3 years elder (and very occasionally, getting married to a man younger by a year or two) seem to be an acceptable norm to the present day woman.
But personally, I have a very strong view that for a good marital bond, an age difference of about 4 to 8 years between the woman and man (the man to be elder, of course) is really conducive and it works out wonders in majority of the cases I have seen.
There are two things of compatibility in marital relationship. One is the physical maturity and second is the mental maturity.
Women attain both physical and mental maturity at much younger age than men. A girl child of three years has linguistic and oral communication skills much more developed than a male child of same age. A girl child's dependence on her mother at that age is far less than that of a boy. A girl child at that age attends pre-school with much more ease and self confidence and willingness than a boy child.
A girl attains puberty at about 12 to 14 years where as a boy attains it at 14 to 17 years of age. A girl's instincts about the opposite sex is much more developed at the teen age in comparison with boys.
Seeing the world and observing people, sense of responsibility towards one's own life and that of those dependent on oneself, firming up of clear ideas about one's needs and wants, goals and ambitions etc are reasonably well developed in a woman at about 21 on the other hand, a man of comparable age is far more boyish, carefree, takes things too lightly and is afraid of getting into commitments and taking up responsibility. An unbridled, play-boy life looks to be far more attractive to a man at that age than one of commitment and responsibility of a marital relationship.
A level of mental maturity towards a disciplined family life and the realization that love and affection of a caring wife is far more valuable than a physical outlet for lust comes to a man somewhere above the age of twenty six or so.
Thus when a woman marries a man 4 to 8 years elder to her, the mental maturity level between them fairly matches and they will be in a better position to adjust with each other.All said and done, a basic psychological fact about man that cannot be wished away is his sense of superiority over opposite sex. A man, deservedly or undeservedly expects that his wife should treat him as more than an equal partner and any sign of respect shown to him towards this sense of superiority is welcome by him. When a decent age difference exists, the woman tends to show him more respect than if he were to be of equal age to her. This psychological nuance helps in a significant way in bringing cordiality in relationship.
From physical maturity point of view, this age difference augurs well in the long run. A woman's safe age of becoming a mother is up to 35 years and her active interest in sex gradually wanes subsequently. A woman attains menopause anywhere between her 45th to 50th age. After menopause, women practically lose interest in sex. On the other hand, a man's sexually virile age may extend even up to his 60 years of age. Men at around their 40th of age tend to get a revived vigor in sexual cravings and a co-operative and a willing partner at home helps in preventing them from going astray.
Further the young looks of a wife ma But for a woman, the love of a man rather than the looks of a man is of primary importance. Normally, at about 40, a man of that age looks quite youthful in comparison with his wife, if she were to be of same age group.
Perhaps, this is one of the main reasons why a wider age gap between man and woman for marital relationship was preferred in previous generations.
Women Getting Married to "Old Men"
But if the age gap is much wider, there is likelihood of the marital relationship becoming sour in the long run. Assuming that a woman marries a man, some 12 to15 years (or more) elder to her, there may be several reasons to be analyzed as to why such a relationship came into existence in the first place. Is it because of any coercion or compulsion (by elders, by influence of power or intimidation by the man, poverty and consequent insecurity of the woman etc)? Is it because of any illogical infatuation? Is it because of any psychological complexity? Is it a calculated move by the woman to woo the older man purely for swindling his riches? Is it for getting a celebrity status through the back-door?
If the age gap is too wide, unless there is a genuine bondage of love and affection between the couple which can ignore the limitations in sexual relationship in the long run, there are always dangers of the marital bond breaking up leaving painful scars behind.
I write from India and many of my views are basically Indian. As the institution of marriage is still strong, respected and works in majority of cases in India, I am convinced that this system has sound sense.
Coming to the case of much larger age gap of say 10 to 12 years (husband being elder), I should say even in India, the practice of marrying with such a wide gap has virtually been discontinued even in my generation (I am in my mid fifties). In a generation earlier to mine, a few cases here and there can be seen.
But in at least one case I have seen a couple of my earlier generation with 12 years age gap between them. But they got married when the girl was just 14 and had no ideas of her own. At that generation, girls simply accepted their husbands just like creepers winding around the trees.That acceptance without questioning perhaps brought in a beautiful bonding between them. They were one of very nice couples I had seen in my earlier generation.
But the only problem their marriage faced was that the husband passed away when he was about 70 and his wife, aged 58 had a very long widowhood to be spent without her closest companion around. She is quite fine now, living alone, but the lack of companionship at this old age does show in her emotional life.
Will the present day girl mold her life totally around a "senior" husband unquestioningly? Will their life be free of generation gap? Will the visible differences in looks trouble their life? Will the woman/ man take it lightly if someone asks the girl "Is it your father?". Very unlikely. Obviously, in my opinion, a girl marrying a man who is elder by 10 years and above is not a good proposition for the current times.
Men marrying elder women
I am biased totally against such an option. No separate arguments are needed as the logic behind the advantage of men marrying younger women has been elaborated already earlier in this article.
There are lots of finer things in the present day state of affairs, mentalities, values, preferences etc. that are coming up in life in contradiction to time-tested practices and cultural guidelines. It is quite natural that the institution of marriage is getting a beating and many lives are lived without a happy conjugal relationship in the present generation.
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