Am I an abusive parent? | Mom Answers | BabyCenter
Am I an abusive parent?
I have a really weird situation. First off, I met this girl online and we clicked. I went to meet her a state away and I pull into her driveway and she has a toddler! I am not a very kid friendly person but since we got along so well I thought I would give it a try. She was in a tough living situation so I brought her and the baby home with me. It's been 8 months now and I think I am doing alright. She is not a very good parent sometimes. Her son walks all over her. She wanted me to be the tough love parent. He listens to me. I have had to spank him a few times and I don't like it. When I was little spanking was okay. The world has changed! I have popped him in the mouth once or twice. I don't want to blame this on my past but I grew up in foster homes and never had a steady home till I was on my own and they have still been a little rocky. I love this girl with all my heart and I love her son! I just need some guidance please. Thank you.
a BabyCenter member
Asked 11/26/13
Mom Answers (9)
BEST ANSWER
I feel that there are some being overly critical. As a lawyer, I have seen a lot of abuse cases. I think that the advice people are giving you is correct…. don't touch a child's face. Spanking their bottom or a light tap on the hand will do the job. I have found it's enough to startle them, you don't need to cause pain. Love, consistency and respect are key. Spanking shouldn't be an everyday thing. I am happy that you are reaching out though. I don't think ";popping"; them on the mouth a few times makes you an abuser. You have had very little good examples or guidance but you could still tell it was wrong… which is good and you asked for advice on how to go about it the right way. I think listening to your inner compass is a great start. Just make that baby feel loved… they know when they are unwanted and no baby should feel that.
4 found this helpful
I do not feel that you deserve to be ridiculed and yelled at for posting your question. You were very brave to post your question, and you want to find the right way to handle the situation. If you are going to marry this woman, and adopt the child, then you will be his/her father. If you have taken them in with that consideration, and you plan on becoming this child's parent, you should be included in the discipline. Both you and the baby's mother should find a parenting class,or support group. They will help you with ideas for discipline. I firmly believe that discipline starts young. I can tell by the way you wrote your post, that you do not feel comfortable with some of your actions, so you probably already know the smack to the face was wrong. You can get through this and be a good parent to this child. Both you and your significant other can become great parents, if you work together. Hang in there, and seek out group in your area.
Answered 11/29/13
4 found this helpful
talk to her and tell her how you feel, you don't want to play the good cop bad cop and she should also discipline him, my partner and I were going through the same thing we talked about it he told me he didn't want to be the one who growls all the time and I understood - he also FELT I was letting the kids walk all over me but we're mothers our children will never do wrong lol even if we cannot admit it. cudos to you for stepping up - ; to me I feel you have nothing to worry about you obviously care and know when enough is enough or you wouldn't be seeking advice :)
a BabyCenter member
Answered 11/29/13
4 found this helpful
First off you should NEVER lay a hand on a child that's not your own! Second he dosnt ";walk all over his mum"; he's a toddler, and third if you must smack a child smack him on the nappie or hold his hand and smack him on the back of the hand, I grew up getting smacks on the mum and never harmed me but NEVER EVER smack him anywhere else especially on the face!!!! That makes me sick!!! It's disgusting if you must punish take his toys away but I don't see why a toddler needs to be punished anyway. There still baby's. You have no right to lay your hand on somebody's child even if the mother thinks it's ok, it's wrong and your not their father. Just think of the psylogical affect thus will have on him, do you want him to turn out like you? Do you want him to be a bully? Do you want him to hate you? Spanking is a smack on the bum or hand NOT a hit to the face, that is abusive. If you love her and him step up and be the father he didn't have and raise him to be a good man and give him what
a BabyCenter member
Answered 11/26/13
4 found this helpful
First off, bravo for stepping up to care for a child who really needs a loving father! I think the best thing you could do would be to join a local parenting class. It will help give you a foundation of knowledge and skills so you can feel more confident in how you care for him. The support you get from meeting other parents will be a great help too. And I would strongly encourage you to have your girlfriend attend with you; it is selfish and lazy of her to try to make you be the ";tough love parent"; while she lets him get away with murder. If she really cares about him, she will want to be the best parent she can be too. (I think you already know that popping him on the mouth is not ok. A spank on the rear is still considered ok by some, and I personally think it's a rare-but-necessary discipline tactic, but slapping in the face is never ever necessary.)
a BabyCenter member
Answered 11/28/13
4 found this helpful
I would suggest taking a parenting class. Where you have been tossed into the situation. I think a parenting class would be great for you and your girlfriend. &#&#&#&#There are other ways to discipline, other than spanking. Although, sometimes spanking does change the behavior. But it shouldn't be your go-to form of discipline. It's really not effective with all bad behaviors. Time outs work well with some children. Taking away privileges (toys, games, electronics, etc). &#&#&#&#Anyway, like I said...I think a parenting class would be great for you two.
Answered 12/1/13
3 found this helpful
Sorry but I have no sympathy for anyone who abuses children, even if there honest about it. Let the mother discipline the child if your actions concern you, but I have no sympathy for you.
a BabyCenter member
Answered 11/29/13
3 found this helpful
You never had and show RESPECT then he will admire you and respect you and love you even if you and her separate. Tough love is teaching them tight from wrong in a NON abusive way, take his toys away, send hi. To his room and don't budge until he is sorry but please don't smack him in the face, torso, legs or arms and don't swear or call him names, that's UNACCEPTABLE that should be ashamed of oneself
a BabyCenter member
Answered 11/26/13
2 found this helpful
Unlike others I will say this kindly since you were mostly honest ... Monkey sees monkey does.. You are doing this because this is what you have seen.. The thing is, the kid is observing and taking in more than you would ever imagine (taking psychology). The kid will mix violence with solving problems. As he gets older, he will think he can solve problems by hitting. That involves hitting you and mommy. It just isn't logical. You aren't teaching them anything except for ";no"; or ";stop."; &#&#&#&#If you want to teach them, try to tell him. He knows more words than you think. You can use stern words.. Smacking doesn't give him knowledge. You don't know how to problem solve because that was done with you. That is okay, it is never too late to learn or practice problem solving with others. The only way you know how to problem solve if you can't handle the situation is to attack. If you have a hard time figuring out good child to adult problem solving skills, go to a child counselor with the child
Answered 11/29/13
2 found this helpful
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* No relationship, sponsorship, or affiliation is implied.I am terrified of giving birth, help! Also have gbs? | Mom Answers | BabyCenter
I am terrified of giving birth, help! Also have gbs?
I'm a first time mom, almost 38 weeks and the closer I get, the more afraid I feel. I am not getting an epidural so I'm afraid of the pain and I'm also afraid that something may go wrong. I was tested positive for gbs so i will have to have an iv in as soon as i go into labor and that has me stressed out too! Im aftraid ill go into an anxiety attack when labor kicks in. Any advice to calm my nerves would be great!
Asked 12/18/14
Mom Answers (5)
BEST ANSWER
Don't say no to epidural before you experience child birth. Keep all doors open so you won't build pressure on yourself or be disappointed later that you did cave to some pain relief. My husband, an airline pilot, was 2,000 miles away when i went into labor. i was gonna go without pain relief as long as i could, but it was recommended to me to have an epidural to relax me and slow the labor down. It worked and my husband made it, which meant more to me than anything. Keep all doors open and sleep in peace:) it's not all that bad, especially when you consider at the end you get a wonderful gift
2 found this helpful
Don't be afraid! Think of it this way: You are going to meet the love of your life after its all over! And I think what they say about you not remembering anything after baby is born is true...well for the labor part for me anyway...I still remember everything about my horrible, morning sickness infested pregnancy. lol. But when my daughter was born I forgot all about the pain, and the labor...except for the fact that when I looked up after my daughter was born there was a man nurse(I refer to him as a weirdo with a beardo) and I didn't even remember him coming in the room...I don't know who else was in there beside the Doctor, a nurse, my husband and my mom. The epidural wasn't that bad(referring to the actually getting it done. The arm iv thing hurt more) But it didn't work(the epidural). Its pretty normal to fear a big thing like that, but try to relax! Don't focus on the pain! Think about the little person you've carried for nine months and you're finally going to meet them! :)
a BabyCenter member
Answered 12/24/14
1 found this helpful
I would just rather not have an epidural because there are so many things that could go wrong with one which freaks me out even more than the pain lol. I'd rather be in pain than possibly be paralyzed. Thank you guys for the advice though!
Answered 12/18/14
1 found this helpful
It's pretty common to be nervous. Surprisingly some statistics show that women who are more anxious about the labor and birth before it kicks in, are more likely to handle it better than women who aren't as worried. Basically mom's (like you) expect the absolute worst, then when it's show time they realize it's actually not a horror story they expected and handle it with a lot more ease. I was actually never afraid or nervous about it. I had a tough labor but I was still completely calm. I don't know I just don't freak out about things like that. But here is in general what I think also made me feel better and maybe it will help you. You will be in the hospital with doctors and nurses. They will be there to help you and make sure you and your baby are safe. So no matter what happens, they are there to take good care of you!!! Another advise"; DON'T be dead set on no epidural as you have no idea how it will go. I didn't want epidural but I HAD to have it. Not because I....
a BabyCenter member
Answered 12/18/14
1 found this helpful
Not because I couldn't stand the pain but because my body was so stressed out from the contractions that were on top of each other that I wasn't dilating and was at a risk of ending up with a C-section. So in with the epidural and all was well. I also tested positive for gbs. They don't have to hook you up immediately. You just have to get it 4 hours before delivery. They let me walk around first and get me progressing some more before I got hooked up to the iv. YOu will do just fine and everything will be fine! :)
a BabyCenter member
Answered 12/18/14
1 found this helpful
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