【雅思大作文】考官作文批改实录 物质消费类话题 - 跟谁学雅思
编者按：这是一篇比较有深度的雅思习作，文章整体写得其实不错，但是怎奈在考官的精准解剖刀面前，问题纷纷暴露。其实都是些小问题，但是他们累积起来，最终导致文章评分为6。读完考官的批改，相信对雅思作文的写作高分套路，至少多了一点从考官视角的理解。 
【题目】dicuss+opinion题型/物质消费类话题 
Some people think that we live in a consumer society where money and 
possessions are given too much importance. Others, however, believe that 
consumer culture plays an important role in improving our lives. Discuss both 
these views and give your own opinion. 
【学生习作】 
With the booming development of social economy,the money and possession have
been considered more important than before. Some people think their importance
has been overvalued, while others believe they represent the consumer culture, 
which undoubtly is essential to our modern life.
Some people believe that the overvalued importance of the money may give the
society negative effect. First of all, they think the more people concentrate on 
money, the less they will focus on the emotion. Like today’s many condition , 
when people doing something just aim to purchasing more money,not considering 
much emotion factors, even though the people they are accquaintance, if don’t 
have economic benefit they wouldn’t help them. Secondly, purchasing money may 
lead to illegal. Some doing some illegal things just because want to earn more 
money, the money absolutely make them become insane. Last but not least, the 
money culture may have a bad influence on morality and value system. It is 
desire of money and possession that lead more people change their original value 
system, let them fall into some wrong path, which cause serious social problem 
and prevent the society from developing healthily. So the people who hold this 
view believe that too much concentration on money is not a good thing to our 
society.
On the contrary, there are also a large number of people insist on the view 
that the consumer culture is a normal thing nowadays. Firstly, they believe the 
consumer culture has become an important power push their living level 
increasing. If there is no market or no enthusiasm about earning money, the 
society may develop slowly that is a bad thing to improve their live. In addition, it is truth that we cannot live without money or possession . So it 
may seems paradoxical to regard money as a dirty thing. At last, some people 
point that pursuing a better life is the right for everyone, in another word 
love money is also a right to anybody ,others cannot blame this phenomenon.
Having considered the argument on both sides of the debate , I believe the
role of money and possession increasing higher and higher is a inevitable trend
today. And what’s more we really need more money than before to do mang thing,
such as buying food, houses,education and so on. So I think we cannot regard
money as a bad thing , at contrary, we should have a correct view on them. We
must earn it through legal and honest way, as well as using them reasonable.
【作者思路分析】 
1.2句导入。首句重述话题，第二句用一个比较主流的表示对比关系的while复合句展现双方观点。很稳。 
2.主体段1。观点句+经典的三点式论述 
3.主体段2。观点句+经典的三点式论述 
4.结论段。
总结+表达自身观点 
【考官批改】 
Overall this essay scored in the region of a 6
1.Task response（任务达成） 
This scored in the region of a 7.
These was a deeply philosophical answer to a fairly mundane question. The
student's response was impressive. There is a very thorough examination here of
consumer culture and this is reflected in the high grade.
The reason it doesn't reach an 8 is because the conclusion wasn't rounded
enough. The conclusion should sum up the question rather than just continue a
discussion of one aspect of it, in this case the acquisition of money. This sort
of thing is easy to be careful of in future. The student's discussion of
consumerism and the over importance of money in today's society clearly show
such education that I feel they will have no problems in producing very high
grades in their task response every time.
【考官点评】在任务达成上，该文为7。作者对一个比较无聊的题目做了充满思辨的回答，全文对消费文化做了深入的探讨，这是能够拿到7分的原因。但是，文章的结论部分不够周全，这是未能上8的原因。结论段应该是概括全文内容而不是继续对问题进行讨论，这一点未来一定要注意。
2.Cohesion and coherence（行文连贯流畅性） 
This scored in the region of a 6
Again, here the examiner is looking at whether the paragraphs are logical and
ordered, sentence structure, linking words and general coherence.
At times this essay was a little tricky to understand. One of the major
issues in the cohesion and coherence was overlong sentences.
【考官点评】在连贯流畅性上，此文为6。这一部分是考察段落间是否有逻辑有次序，句子间是否连贯。该文的局部不容易读懂，其中的一个重要原因是句子过长。再加上行文中出现的错误，使得文章的连贯流畅性大打折扣。
[For example] 
a.'Like today’s many condition , when people doing something just aim to 
purchasing more money,not considering much emotion factors, even though the 
people they are accquaintance, if don’t have economic benefit they wouldn’t help 
them.' 
This sentence is long and rambling. Combine this with its errors in
vocabulary and its abstract and philosophical nature and it becomes difficult to
understand.
This would be better and I think it conveys the same meaning:
'When people focus more on money than on others, they lose sight of what is
truly important in life. Moreover, once people assign such importance to money,
sometimes they can become unwilling to help others if they cannot see the
benefit financially from it.'
The same goes for this sentence:
b.'At last, some people point that pursuing a better life is the right for 
everyone, in another word love money is also a right to anybody ,others cannot 
blame this phenomenon.' 
Try breaking this up:
'Finally, some people point out that pursuing a better life is everyone's
right. In other words, striving for more money and an improved life is a basic
right that everyone should have without judgement.'
Keep sentences precise and not too long. The points the student is making are
complex and can become easily confusing when combined with errors.
'...at contrary, we should have a correct...'
Should be:
'...on the contrary, we should have a correct...'
3.Lexical resource（词汇丰富性） 
This scored in the region of a 5
This was a remarkably difficult essay to grade lexically! One the one hand
the student uses the most wonderful, complex vocabulary. On the other hand there
are a lot of errors. The frequent usage of uncommon vocabulary suggests a 6,
however as stated earlier, at times comprehension is impeded. A 6 needs to be
clear at all times.
On a more positive side however, all of the complex vocabulary was used
correctly. The errors are occurring instead with the smaller aspects of the
sentences, for example the articles. Here are the corrections:
【考官点评】在词汇丰富性上，该文为5。其实这个分给的比较纠结。一方面，文中有大量丰富的复杂的词汇运用，但另一方面又有大量的词汇错误。二者相加直接影响了文章的易读性。
【错误示例】 
a.'It is desire of money and possession that lead more people change their 
original value system...'
Should be:
'It is desire for money and possession that lead more people to change their
original value system...'
b.'With the booming development of social economy,the money and possession have 
been considered more important than before...'
Should be:
'With the booming development of social economy, money and possessions are
considered more important than before...'
'Some people believe that the overvalued importance of the money may give the
society negative effect.'
Be careful with articles.
This should be:
c.'Some people believe that the overvalued importance of money may cause a 
negative effect on society.'
'First of all, they think the more people concentrate on money, the less they
will focus on the emotion.'
Should be:
'First of all, they think the more people concentrate on money, the less they
will focus on emotion.'
This however is a particularly excellent sentence and aside from the
misplaced article, good grammar with a very natural feel to it.
d.'Secondly, purchasing money may lead to illegal...'
We never say 'purchasing money'. We say 'making money' or if it is made
legally, 'earning money'. Therefore in this situation this sentence should
'Secondly, making money may lead to illegal...'
e.'On the contrary, there are also a large number of people insist on the view 
that the consumer culture...'
Needs to be:
'On the contrary, there are also a large number of people who insist on the
view that the consumer culture...'
f.'Inaddition, it is truth that we cannot live without money or possession . So 
it may seems paradoxical to regard money as a dirty thing.'
Should be:
'In addition, it is the truth that we cannot live without money or
possessions. So it may seem paradoxical to regard money as a dirty thing.'
Again, despite the small errors, this is an outstanding sentence.
4.Grammatical range and accuracy（语法丰富准确性） 
This scored in the region of a 6
Again examiners are looking for complex grammar. Present
perfect/passive/conditionals.
Despite errors, this sentence is a lovely present perfect tense using the
'With the booming development of social economy,the money and possession have
been considered more important than before...'
And again here:
'Some people think their importance has been overvalued.'
These are wonderful.
However grading this, again is not straightforward. Some very simple mistakes
have been made, such as omitting the verb 'to be' from the present
continuous:
'...when people doing something...'
All in all the examiner has to weigh up whether the two sections of complex
grammar make up for the rest of the essay using simple grammar and making simple
errors. A harsh examiner may score 5. I have scored 6 but am giving with a note
to be careful.
【考官点评】语法丰富准确性上，此文为6。尽管有少量的复杂语法，整体而言全文的语法结构比较简单，加之还出现了很低级的语法错误，严苛的考官会考虑给5分。
Overall the student's strength lie in their task response. Cohesion and
coherence can be raised easily too.
The lexis needs work to become more accurate. Try asking your teacher for
some notes on articles, or looking online for some good helpful websites. Your
grammar just needs more care and more effort to include complex structures,
otherwise I do not see a problem there. Well done! It's not easy but you did
【全文总评】文章的优势在任务达成度上，行文连贯流畅性其次，词汇需要好好努力杜绝低级错误，而语法上则需要更多的对复杂语法的关注。 
【小编解读】 
1.雅思的评分虽然分为四项，看似很全面很宽容，其实在批改时往往是就低不就高。就算你拼了老命把好的表达难的语法全用上去，一旦你犯了些低级错误（单词拼写，冠词使用），会严重影响给分。 
2.无论是使用'easy language'还是'difficult language'来写雅思作文，底线是文章要容易读懂。如果你用上生僻的词汇+复杂语法+不经意间的小错误，这三管齐下，再宽容的老外也会吃不消。 
3.结尾段是不允许再进行问题的探讨的，它只能是对前文的总结。切记！！ 
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Nowadays,full time university students tend to focus on their studying.Some students think it is essential for university students to be involved in other activities.To what extent do you agree or disagreet?
Inrecent years,there has been a trend among universities toward reducing student's after class activities,iming to make them focus on their curricular without any distractions.My view is that althought these activities are not directly related to careers,they can have countless benefits to students'success in their future.
If university students are encouraged to join some musical parties or activities,they can enhance their intelligence and receive the same positive effect as studying logical subjects do.The use of musical instruments enable students to gain an understanding of how tocoordinate different parts of their bodies.The adventage is that students who can use musicalinsturments proficiently can juggle different tasks in adulthood.It is important to realise that joining musical activities can foster the culture of cooperation among teenagers as they are required to collaborate with each other in a band or an orchestra.Students can also relieve stress by singing or attending musical concerts because it can lighten one's mood and reduce anxiety.
It is also noteworthy that taking an active part in sports activities has a beneficial effecteon student's physical and mental health.Students who engage in outdoors activities can constantly maintain a healthy weight and have stamina to handle their cchoolwork.This is particularol important,considering that young people are increasingly addicted to sedentary activities,such as studying for a long time or playing videogames.Similar tomusic,sports,especially team sports,place emphasis on cooperation,sosocial bonding can be srenghtened among players.Furthermore,students who exercise habitually normally have a positive actitudes towards life,which enables them to cope with stress easily.
From what has been discussed,we can see how important some non-academic activities can be to students'career success and their healthy growth.I strongly support that universities should not only focus on students'academic achievement but care more about their all-round development.&&
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游客，如果您要查看本帖隐藏内容请
&老师你好。因为之前我在顾家北写作范文中看到他在一篇论述学生是否应该把国际新闻列为学习科目的文章中，同样也是举出两个具体的方面的例子：科技新闻和金融新闻。所以我想问在雅思写作中到底可不可以把大范围的论述&
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**** 本内容被作者隐藏 ****
老师你好。因为之前我在顾家北写作范文中看到他在一篇论述学生是否应该把国际新闻列为学习科目的文章中，同样也是举出两个具体的方面的例子：科技新闻和金融新闻。所以我想问在雅思写作中到底可不可以把大范围的论述条件进行具体论证呢？就如本文中我举出音乐和体育活动一样？？
&最好可以首先进行大范围的论证，然后用1-2个具体的方面清晰说明一下。&
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老师你好。因为之前我在顾家北写作范文中看到他在一篇论述学生是否应该把国际新闻列为学习科目的文章中， ...
最好可以首先进行大范围的论证，然后用1-2个具体的方面清晰说明一下。
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