lilly wood&the prick的 Prayer in C到底讲了什么，为什么那么火？
remix之后，于2014年6月，以用户免费下载的形式发布后，红遍欧洲。为什么？ 是营销的成功还是什么原因？
这是一首被remix拯救的歌曲，原曲听起来让人混混欲睡。火的原因主要是remix后的曲调太过洗脑，歌词没有太多的意思。
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(2009) (V)
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(2010) (V)
This guy Lucas has got us all by the balls. His fingers are in our wallets. Get your finger out of my ass wallet!
The Millennium Falcon is safe. It was not raped. Where would you rape the Millennium Falcon anyway?
[cut to a picture with an arrow pointing to the front of the ship] :
Right there. I've done it.
I'm gonna fuck my cat and eat my cat and I'm gonna kidnap a hooker, and it'll help me fuck the pain away.
Star Wars: Episode III is the most disappointing thing since Star Wars: Episode II. What kind of an intro is that, you ask? Well, shit, I think it's hard to be disappointed any more when your expectations are so low, they're right next to fucking dinosaur bones.
Let's recap a little on the whole prequel trilogy, and how it ruined 6 years of everyone's lives. Even starving African children in Cambodia.
"Heroes on both sides"? What? Can evil robots be called heroes?
George Lucas:
Jar Jar's the key to all this, if we get Jar Jar working. 'Cause he's a funnier character than we've ever had in the movies... :
It's good to show contempt for your audience. Just ask Michael Bay.
The first film obviously had a kid. A kid that made you want to sterilize the human race. Kid Anakin:
It also had other kids who fucking talked. The second movie had even more kids that talked. Finally, the only kid in this film that talks dies... and all of them die. These are positive changes.
Unfortunately Natalie Portman doesn't take off her clothes at any point. In fact, now she dresses like a fucking quaker or something. Boy, I sure do miss the '80s.
But this? This shit ain't no Rube Goldberg machine. And it ain't no fuckin' Goodfellas shot, that's for sure.
With these fucking Star Wars prequels, I'm always forced to go back to Screenwriting 101, and a big four-letter word that comes to mind: FUCK. No, I'm just kidding. The word is CRAP. No, I'm just kidding. The word is SHIT. I'm just kidding. The word is PISS. I'm just kidding. The word is POOP. I'm just kidding. The word is GARBAGE. Naw, I'm just kidding, the word is TONE!
Our lead characters can't form coherent thoughts or are intelligent enough to notice basic things like this, and then we as an audience are constantly sitting there asking ourselves questions about motivation and logic the entire film, because the script is a rushed, sloppy mess that was written in a week! George Lucas:
There you go, a first draft. An official first draft.
[his underlings gleefully applaud while he proudly displays the script]
First of all, once they rescue Palpatine, he says: Palpatine:
Get help. You're no match for him, he's a Sith lord. :
Obi-Wan then turns and says something incredibly stupid. Obi-Wan Kenobi:
Chancellor Palpatine, Sith lord are our specialty. :
[recalls back to Anakin and Obi-Wan being defeated by Dooku in the last movie] Oh, yeah, sure they are. His real response should've been, "wait, get help from where? From who? Who on this ship could help us? And how do you know he's a Sith lord? How do you even know what a Sith lord is?" Instead, the whole comment goes right over Obi-Wan's heads.
This is what they call filler, and it's nowhere near as good as the kind they put in Twinkies.
[whispers] :
I like to fuck my cat.
[cuts to a shot of him doing that]
The entire senate is filled with stupid idiots.
[cut to a shot of the U.S. Senate] :
Yeah, okay, that's true, I guess, but I was talking about THIS senate.
General Grievous is a stupid dumb retarded idiot.
Obi-Wan Kenobi is a stupid asshole idiot head.
Obi-Wan Kenobi:
[tosses blaster aside] So uncivilized. :
[flashes back to Mace Windu decapitating Jango Fett] No, decapitating people is uncivilized. And I'm also sorry that you're so stupid that you fail to see the obvious advantage of having a projectile weapon when it just saved your retarded ass.
The brilliant script does have an excuse for this lack of logic, and it's this: Obi-Wan Kenobi:
However, it may just turn out to be a wild Bantha chase. :
Oh, that's a good reason to send one guy. What if it's not a wild Bantha chase?
Midichlorean count. Do a Midichlorean count! Get some blood from his stool.
Nute Gunray is the stupidest asshole ever. This fucking idiot has been around for three films and is the dumbest person in the galaxy.
Paging Dr. Plinkett. Dr. Plinkett is in, I'm here. Somebody pass the Vicodin. No, wait, we need Ambien. Well, we sure need some-thien.
And someone even said it was the bestest movie ever because it had lava in it. Aw, ain't he cute? His name is Johnny. I adopted him, from a grocery store parking lot.
Anakin is even more dumberer than Nute Gunray. So the dumbest prize award goes to none other than Anakin Skywalker. Anakin Skywalker:
I don't know what to say.
Bail Organa:
We cannot let a thousand years of democracy disappear. :
Wait, hold on, is it a thousand years or a thousand generations? Palpatine:
I will not let this Republic that has stood for a thousand years be split in two. :
Well, when writing my review, I originally wrote "years", then I had the sense to go back and check out what Obi-Wan said in Star Wars. Ben Kenobi:
For over a thousand generations, the Jedi Knights have been the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. :
Oh. Y'know, there's a big difference between a year and a generation. Maybe George Lucas should've gone back and looked at what they said before filming the fucking movie!
Trust me, I'm a doctor. Kind of.
So, what else did I like? Well, I guess I liked it when Anakin got burned. I liked it when it was over.
I think we all went to see this movie just to get it over with. It was like an obligation. Like going to your stupid daughter's college graduation. You know it's gonna suck, but you gotta go just to get it over with. Nah, fuck that metaphor. This was like going to an autopsy. You know it's dead, and nothing's going to change that. But you gotta do an autopsy to find out what killed it... or who killed it.
So if you were impressed by that, then you've been Punk'd... just like Demi Moore.
Stop feeding us this pig slop! I'm only half pig.
Obi-Wan Kenobi:
Another happy landing. :
Another happy landing? What kind of crappy dialogue is that?
Look into where the clones came from a little more thoroughly than not at all.
Even Ray Charles could see that coming, and he doesn't know anything about Star Wars.
So Anakin kneels before Monster Mash and pledges his loyalty to the graveyard smash.
There are two types of people in this world: people that understand what I'm saying, and people that like the Star Wars prequels.
Now if you'll permit me, I'd like to compare Revenge of the Sith to with what is widely considered to be one of the greatest motion pictures ever made: Citizen Kane. Is that fair? Nope.
Now comparing Episode III to Citizen Kane is not fair, I'll agree. Episode III isn't art, it's commercial diarrhea.
So all that really happened in this ending is that Anakin shows that he's really a murderous crazy person that needs to be in a mental hospital. He even tries to choke pregnant Padme, the whole reason he turned to the Dark Side. If I were Obi-Wan, I definitely would not look back on Anakin with any kind of reverence or longing for the good old days. I'd be uncomfortable talking about him, actually, and filled with regret that I didn't decapitate him when I had the chance.
George Lucas:
Instead of destroying the Death Star, he destroys the ships that controls the robots. :
That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
And for the record, I'm gonna give this movie an honest review and "anal-sys." I'll point out anything that's good if I see it, but still, a lot of you will say I'm one of those people that says "George Lucas ruined my childhood." Now that's just crazy talk. George Lucas didn't ruin my childhood. Fucking polio did.
No stupid ass retarded love story. Thankfully there's no terrible love story in this one. This film is filled with hate, revenge, choking, murder, betrayal, sadness, more murder, more choking, worrying, more murder, and so on. Hey, anyone still want to use the excuse that these movies are made for little children? I offer now as the time to bring that up. Lucas goes full on adult audience here, giving us the first Star Wars film that's raged PG-13. So why does this have to be so dark? I mean, did we really need THIS in a Star Wars movie?
[Anakin draws his lightsaber on the younglings]
So maybe if this were the Dark Ages, maybe Padme might have died during childbirth. I'm not an expert on the subject. I'm not an expert on anything. But really, in this technological medical wonderland, how about you do a C-section with your lightsaber? Seems to be pretty accurate.
Obi-Wan is mad at Anakin because he killed children, also known as "younglings" so that we don't have to use the phrase "killed children" in a movie made for children. And Anakin is mad at Obi-Wan because Obi-Wan's a meanie-head.
Execute Order whaaaaat? What's the deal with Order 66? I've literally hurt my brain thinking about this one. I dunno, if it's a reference to something, please e-mail the answer to: .
The best I can figure is that Lucas is writing the script and he gets to this part and he thinks to himself, "hmm, what should the bad man say now? Should it be a code word?"
[as Palpatine] :
Begin Operation: Hot Zone Kill.
[as Lucas] :
No, that sounds stupid. What about a number? What's, like, an evil-sounding number? Hmm, well, 666. No, that's too obvious. How about just "execute Order 6?"
[as Palpatine] :
Execute Order 6.
[as Lucas] :
No, that's too simple. It makes it sound like they don't get that many orders to begin with. What about Order 66? Palpatine:
Execute Order 66. :
[as Lucas] Okay, that works, let's move on.
All the scenes and all this shit is to get Anakin into the Darth Vader suit for no real reason at all. And people wonder why the prequels are bad, poorly-written films. I stand by my statement that people that like these films are either drooling idiots that just like lightsabers, or tiny babies. Tiny Baby:
Now, is General Grievous supposed to be funny? Cause they said he was a villain, not a comedian, like Larry Seinfeld. But rather a creepy weirdo, like Jerry Flint. I'm so confused.
Tone is how a movie feels. Movies are either like comedies or dramas or action movies or thrillers, but if you wave around the tone, you don't know what it is and your brain starts to hurt. Typically you should establish what your movie is in the first ten minutes or so. Take Ghostbusters. They establish their characters: they're witty and funny, and the audience gets that this movie is going to be some kind of lighthearted comedy thing with ghosts in it. There isn't a violent rape on a pinball machine in the first ten minutes of Ghostbusters, nor is there a pie-in-the-face gag in the opening of Citizen Kane.
Ironically, the most major positives about this film are the things that are not in the film: 1. Han Solo was no ruined. Now Chewbacca was ruined for being pointlessly shoehorned into this movie, but Chewbacca was no Han Solo. Thankfully nowhere in this movie do we have to watch THAT scene. You know, where we meet a young Han Solo, who would of course look something like this,
[shows a picture of a little boy in a Han Solo costume] :
It would've been real easy for George to have a little 5-year-old kid running around that ship at the end, walk up to the two babies and have Obi-Wan or Jimmy Smits say, "young Han Solo, meet baby Luke and Leia," and have him shake their little baby hands. It'd be like Han lived on that ship, or shoehorn him in somewhere else.
[places young Han over the scene of Anakin burning alive] :
You'd think a toy of a young Han Solo would sell like hot cakes.
Two: no Millennium Falcon. The Millennium Falcon is so fucking cool that it just screams classic Star Wars. It's one of those unique and iconic space ship designs that has become a staple of pop culture. Thankfully nowhere in this film do we see the Millennium Falcon flying around and doing something stupid, like its original owner, who would probably be some kind of terrible looking, generic CGI piece of crap.
And look, it's got nothing to do with Hayden Christiensen. He did a fine job with the material given to him. He's not a bad actor, kids. Leave him alone. Even Sir Laurence Oliver couldn't read these shitty lines.
[about Darth Vader] He was not Space Jesus! Jesus, I'm so sorry you had to be in this review. Please forgive me, Lord, I know you hated the movie and you told me.
(2010) (V)
Obi-Wan Kenobi:
I hate it when he does that. :
Yeah, I'll bet you do, asshole.
[Nadine puts on what Harry thinks is Episode III] Yeah. It's gonna be great. Gonna point out all the flaws... what's this, the Jedi library? What? WHAT? Baby's Day Out? Hey! What in the fuck? You lied to me!
What red-blooded male wouldn't want to dock his canoe in Natalie's port, man?
Empire pulled this off perfectly, of course. 'Cause I love Empire so much I fuck it.
Anybody wanna help me milk my cat? It's time to make breakfast.
So do the prequels basically expose Lucas as a shallow, emotionless businessman? I'll let you decide... but the answer is yes.
They say Dooku is just a political idealist. Ki-Adi Mundi:
He is a political ideali... :
Shut up, I'm talking.
You know, they make a magic potion that makes you forget about The Phantom Menace when you drink it. It's called bleach.
For Christ sake, parents don't love their kids, men don't love women, Mace is unmarried, Palpatine don't got a wife. In fact, the only person in the galaxy who's married is Jimmy Smits.
[repeated line] :
Palpatine's behind it all.
Y'know, I could spend 10 hours talking about just how incredibly dumb this entire sequence is, but I'm gonna try to do it in 9.
You see, the thing about assassins is they strike when you least exp...
Oh, sorry about that. I had a movie on in the other room, I wanted to go turn it off.
I miss my baby. :
Baby? Well you know it's been three days now, right? I'm afraid your baby's with the angels.
Obi-Wan Kenobi:
He went in there to hide, not to run. :
How do you know that? Hey, I asked you a question. How do you know he went in there to hide? Did you read the script too? Hey, what's that? What's that on the ground over there? Is that the script?
Oh, my pizza rolls is done. You want some pizza rolls? Are ya sure? They're really good pizza rolls. They're hot and pizza-y.
And don't say it was the will of the Force, unless you don't want me to send you a pizza roll, and when I send it to ya, I'm gonna shove it up your ass.
Then she drops an unintentional Freudian phallic reference. Padme:
My goodness, you've grown.
See, when you say something right to a woman, she smiles, it tickles her brain, which in turns sends blood flowing down to her sex hole. But a smile can also be deceptive and could indicate one of 117 different things: sarcasm, incredulity, condescension, confusion, contemplation, facetiousness...
When you're first courting a woman, she'll be interested in two things: that you don't look like Danny DeVito, and that you do and say all the right things.
Begun, the Clone War has. :
Hey you started it, idiot.
Size matters not. :
Oh, I'm sorry, Yoda, it does. It does if you use a lightsaber. All your wise sayings have been ruined in the prequels, I'm so sorry.
When you suck out the humanity from the films and replace it with the ease of digital filmmaking, well, it just sucks.
My cat ain't gonna milk itself!
Harry, I have an idea. Let's watch Episode III, I wanna see how this fucking schlock ends. :
Oh, baby, I haven't even started my review of Episode II. I was plannin' on doin' that after I dumped your body.
And by the way, what in the hell is she wearing? I mean, really. She's kinda just asking for this guy to, um, use the force, isn't she? I mean, she might as well just show him where the pinball machine is.
Later that night, in a romantic fireside setting, Padme has changed into a sexy S&M outfit and teases this guy even more. Then he starts crying. Anakin Skywalker:
The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. :
Then he starts begging for sex. Anakin Skywalker:
I will do anything that you ask. :
But she still tells him no because she's a senator? Padme:
I'm a senator. :
Let the guy get his rocks off!
Hollywood and advertisers have a term they use to avoid being called racists. The term they use is "the Urban Market." Now the Urban Market once stole my TV, so I know they like movies.
Let's look back to 1997: Titanic is breaking box office records around the world, while at the same time, Lucas is shooting Episode I. While he's waiting around for others to do the work that he'll eventually take credit for, he complains about Titanic. George Lucas:
You know, we're never going to beat Titanic. Nobody can. :
You can see how annoyed he is that another director is making more money than him and stealing the spotlight. Now it'd be really naive to assume George Lucas returned to filmmaking just because he wanted to tell the origin story of Star Wars. He's a businessman first and a filmmaker second. But he's a good businessman, I'll agree to that.
The allure that Samuel L. Jackson was going to be some kind of awesome, ass-kicking Jedi in Star Wars was nothing more than a dirty, sleazy marketing gimmick. He didn't do anything. And his delivery of the clunky dialogue was just fucking awful. Mace Windu:
Remember, Obi-Wan, if the prophecy is true, your apprentice is the only one who... Samuel L. Jackson:
Well, hey, y'know, it's a Star Wars movie. :
He did awkwardly swing a sword around and then decapitate a poor guy who was trying to make his way in the galaxy, but by no means was Jackson a bad-ass in this movie. He was just yet another creepy, boring asshole. Coulda done him in CGI, it wouldn't have made a difference.
In the first trilogy, before we got to the Ewoks, of course, all the toys seemed to be a byproduct of the movie. There was a charming simplicity to it all. Now everything sucks.
They might as well have started the whole prequel saga here. I mean, why not? Qui-Gon died, Anakin and Padme just kind of got to know each other, and now we're given 60 seconds in an elevator to establish that Obi-Wan and Anakin are friends, and please notice how this is not accomplished by how they act as friends, but rather it's by them recounting things that happened in the past. Things we never see.
With Luke and Han Solo, we see their friendship grow. At first they don't really like each other, then they save each others' asses a few times, go through some rough patches together, then they grow and change like real people. So when old Obi-Wan says: Ben Kenobi:
And he was a good friend. :
You get a sense that it was like a real friendship. But it never seems to have been because Obi-Wan still seems irritated with this brat.
Do those guys have PKE meters? Am I going insane?
To that, I leave you with the immortal words of Sigmund Freud: "sometimes a cigar is just a giant vagina in the desert that swallows men whole."
So this movie is called Attack of the Clones, so I guess we should talk about that shit, and what can laughingly be called the plot.
So the plot is that someone is trying to kill Amidala for no reason, and Anakin and Obi-Wan are assigned to protect her. So she doesn't sleep in an interior bedroom in this building without a window where it would be safer, but rather in a room where the blinds are half open and a city of 900 quadrillion people can see her, especially the robot that was sent to kill her. They say they're doing this so she can be bait to catch the assassin. Obi-Wan Kenobi:
You're using her as bait? :
But she turns off any kind of camera surveillance so she could have her privacy. Anakin Skywalker:
I don't think she liked me watching her. :
Is that more important than your life, you dumb bimbo?
This is another classic case of role reversal. Anakin really should've been the one who threw himself out the window to catch the probe droid. Obi-Wan would have made, like, an annoyed face and then went out after him in the Jetsons car.
When Anakin tells him it's a shape-shifter, Obi-Wan knows to be extra careful. Obi-Wan Kenobi:
In that case, be extra careful. :
As if they were only being sort-of careful before.
So then Anakin acts like some kind of undercover thug cop. Anakin Skywalker:
Jedi business, go back to your drinks. Who hired you? Tell us. Tell us NOW! :
I thought Jedi were like peaceful guardians for the Republic, not Serpico. Well, I guess when the guy who's training you says this: Obi-Wan Kenobi:
This weapon is your life. :
Then you kind of have a distorted view of things. What was it Yoda once said? Yoda:
Wars not make one great. Obi-Wan Kenobi:
This weapon is your life. :
But now a weapon is your whole life?
So in short, Jackson was cast not because he was good for the part, but because his name would bring in extra dollars and an audience that might not have come otherwise.
But now we gotta see more kids. It's almost like Lucas thought he needed to have kids IN the movie for kids to want to buy things FROM the movie. Like they would all wanna be little Jedis themselves. Imaginations work different than that. Kids will want to play as Han Solo or Luke Skywalker, or wanna be Lando blowing up the Death Star. Nobody ever wanted to be Gh'or-Bon Zhuma. Kid:
Because someone erased it from da archive memory. :
Or that t'wirp.
If we got a scene where all these children hold lightsabers, the kids will love it. After all, these are just simple movies made for kids and not adults at all. Which is why they have assassination attempts, sexual innuendo, decapitations, kidnap, torture and suggested rape, hookers, boring political dialogue, forced amputations, drug dealing, mass murder.
Rick McCallum:
It's so dense. Every single frame has so many... :
Oh, shut your fucking face!
Finally they arrive at the most romantic city in the universe, and Anakin scores a few points early on. Carrying her luggage. Padme:
I was relieved when my two terms were up. But when the queen asked me to serve in the senate... :
Listening to her prattle on about herself. For a few minutes, it seems like he's learning. But then he goes back to being a prick. Anakin Skywalker:
[as Padme is talking] Hold on a minute. Padme:
Excuse me. :
Interrupting. Anakin Skywalker:
Excuse me! :
Losing temper. Anakin Skywalker:
Sorry, milady. :
Forced apology.
Now again, I must stress this doesn't mean that all black people like the same kind of movies. But if I had to pick a single demographic that would be least likely to watch a movie with scenes like this:
[Jar Jar gets a shock from the podracer] :
It'd be black people. Oh, come on, you know I'm right. George Lucas does attempt to correct this missing demographic problem by casting two of the coolest black dudes ever
[Billy Dee Williams and Samuel L. Jackson] :
in Star Wars. Now while Billy got to play a role that was like a real cool dude. Lando Calrissian:
Hello, what have we here? :
Samuel Jackson is horribly miscast as the most boringest character ever. See, Jackson's strength as an actor is not playing someone who is reserved and wise. It's playing bad motherfuckers.
Were you ever married? Do you have a wife? :
Er, I had three of them actually. They all died in unrelated accidents.
Then the very first thing that comes out of Anakin's mouth is a very awkward and inappropriately placed compliment. Anakin Skywalker:
So have you. Grown more beautiful, I mean. :
Inappropriate compliment. She smiles lovingly and dismisses it as nerves. Women don't mind an initial nervousness from a guy, it's complimentary and cute to them.
[cuts to a shot of Jar Jar] :
But it gets old real fast.
Anakin Skywalker:
I killed them. I killed them all. :
Um, hi, excuse me. Anakin Skywalker:
They're dead. :
I'd like to discuss some minor inconsistencies with some of the equipment in this room, and how it's a little different from Episode IV: A New Hope. :
Be quiet, this isn't the time. :
What? Anakin Skywalker:
I hate them! :
What's not the right time? What? :
This is an emotional moment. Anakin just killed some Sand People. :
You mean Arabs? :
No. No, you racist. No! :
Oh. Oh, geez. Sorry. I wanted to talk about the control panels.
(2009) (V)
[about the Battle Droids] The Jedi cut 'em down like they're butter, and they really are pretty useless. :
[repeated line] :
What's wrong with your face?
Agree with you the council does. Your apprentice Skywalker will be. :
Hey maybe you should've just said no. Yoda's supposed to be really wise, right? Yoda:
Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. :
Wait, what did he just say? Maybe he isn't that wise, 'cause that didn't make a lick of sense.
A Qui-Gon sucker. They didn't even eat the sucker.
Gov. Sio Bibble:
A communication disruption can mean only one thing: invasion. :
It can also mean you didn't pay your phone bill.
R2-D2 sticks a thing in a thing and fixes the shield generator.
At this point I realize who the phantom menace is. No, it's not Jorge.
[George Lucas] :
It's Qui-Gon Jinn.
If you ask me, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi should have been combined to form a new character, called Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Controller:
Sir, they've gone up the ventilation shaft. :
How do you know that? I said, how do you know that? Answer me, thing-in-the-mouth face. What, did you smoke too much? What's wrong with your face?
So you may like the characters. Y'know, if you're stupid.
Y'know, a guy named William Shakesman once said, "brevity is the soul of wit." This just means don't waste my time. You keep it nice and simple. I said stop wasting my time. Stop it!
It's so dense. Every single image has so many things going on. :
Fuck you, Rick Berman. You ruined this too? Stop ruining - - hey wait, that ain't Rick Berman. What is it with Ricks?
The point is, I'm still not sure what the donut ships were there to do, and don't any of you faggots tell me it was explained more in the novelization or some Star Wars book. What matters is the movies. I ain't never read one them Star Wars books, or any books in general for that matter, and I ain't about to start. Don't talk about them stupid video games, or novels, comic books or any of that fucking crap. I seen enough of that shit.
[repeated line] :
Who's fucking with my medicine?
Now this is where it gets complex, my lovelies.
Mister, please let me go. I promise I won't say anything. I'll do anything if you just let me go. :
Quiet, I'm making my YouTube Star Wars review. :
Star Wars? :
What's this?
[looks at figure] :
Mace Windu? :
Please don't hurt me. Just let me g... :
[shouting] I said QUIET! I'm makin' my review, so shut your fuckin' mouth!
[from an interview in 1983] A special effect is a tool, a means of telling a story. People have a tendency to confuse them as an end to themselves. A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing. :
You said it, brother. Wait, YOU said that?
I could end this review here, but I'm really just getting started. I do have to go to traffic court soon though, I accidentally ran over a Korean family with my car.
You know, it really adds a lot of tension in a movie when the main enemy forces are totally ineffective. Captain Panaka:
There are too many of them. Qui-Gon Jinn:
Won't be a problem. :
Oh, it won't be a problem. Whoa, now I'm really on the edge of my seat.
Number eight: I'm gonna slit my wrists.
Mace Windu:
We will use all our resources to unravel this mystery. We will discover the identity of your attacker.
[later] Mace Windu:
Go with the queen to Naboo and discover the identity of your attacker. :
Oh, I thought you were going to work on that. There's much more important work for the other 500 Jedi. I guess they'll just sit here and see who gets elected chancellor.
Nute Gunray:
I thought the battle was going to take place far from here. :
Hey, idiots, it was a diversion. I tried to warn you.
[Anakin accidentally starts up a Naboo fighter] Aw, he's accidentally flying the space ship. How cute. I hope he fucking dies.
Darth Sidious:
Wipe them out. All of them. :
If the orders were to wipe them out, all of them, then why are they taking prisoners?
Rick McCallum is frozen in utter shock at how horrible the movie was. Internally, he regrets not challenging Lucas on some of the things he was worried about.
Later on, after everybody starts drinking, Lucas attempts to explain his newly-minted bowel movement as "bold" and "extreme", "stylistic." :
It's stylistically designed to be that way and you can't undo that. But we can diminish the effects of it. :
No one looks like they know what's going on and they all look like they're about to start pointing fingers.
The Phantom Menace is now the greatest example of cinematic blue balls in the history of motion pictures. Never again will anything be more wildly anticipated, or a bigger disappointment.
If you're trying to avoid drawing attention to yourself, then why are you taking Jar Jar Binks into the city with you? Leave him on the ship! Qui-Gon Jinn:
My droid has a read-out of what I need. :
You say you took R2-D2 because he has the specs on the type of part that you need, and yet Watto seems to know what you're talking about and you have a thingy that shows it. R2 is never used for that purpose and does nothing at all.
[about Obi-Wan and Captain Panaka] :
The two most clear-minded, logical guys stay on the ship while a clumsy idiot, a slow-moving droid, a vulnerable, attractive young woman, and a drunk go wandering around the dangerous city. These two guys probably would've had the part by now.
[cut to George Lucas talking with some guy about how "great" the movie is going to be]
Anakin Skywalker:
Now THIS is podracing! :
No, no, that ain't podracing. That was on Tatooine. You're in a space ship... oh, wait, he was doing, like, a thing.
If someone under the age of, like, 20 says that his least favorite film is The Empire Strikes Back because it was the most boringest one, then I suggest you shut this review off right now before I carefully explain how much of a fucking idiot you are.
[first lines] :
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was the most disappointing thing since my son. I mean, how much more could you possibly fuck up the entire backstory to Star Wars? And while my son eventually hanged himself in the bathroom of the gas station, the unfortunate reality of the Star Wars prequels is that they'll be around. Forever. They will never go away. It can never be undone.
It's like Lucas finished the script in one draft and like, turned it in and they decided to go with it, without anyone saying that it made no sense at all and that it was a stupid, incoherent mess. I guess at this point, who's going to question George and tell him what to do? He controls every aspect of the movie. He probably got rid of those people who questioned him creatively a long time ago.
At the end of the movie, Amadala goes back to the planet to solve the problem herself, because the senate wanted to send an independent team to investigate whether or not the invasion was real. Chancellor Valorum:
Will you defer your motion to allow a commission to explore the validity of your accusations? :
I guess the testimony of two Jedi Knights wasn't good enough. And those were the guys Valorum trusted enough to settle the whole dispute in the first place? That don't make sense.
So anyway, they tell Palpatine that they think Jedis are on the ship, he should have said this:
[in Palpatine voice] :
Tell the Jedi there will be no negotiations. Tell them that you plan to invade the planet next and then send them back to Coruscant to inform the senate.
[regular voice] :
Instead he tells them to do the exact opposite of what his plan was. That he wanted her to sign the treaty, right? Darth Sidious:
I want that treaty signed! :
He seems really intent on having her sign the treaty to make the invasion legal. What if she were a total coward and actually signed the treaty? Like, right away? Then the crisis would be over and there would be no need for a vote of no confidence. See what I mean, is this sounding like an 8-year-old wrote it?
Just tell'em to leave and that you don't want to negotiate, and then when their ship flies out of the space dock, shoot it with lasers! Also, we need to consider the fact that killing two Jedi that were sent there as peaceful ambassadors would be a pretty heinous crime in the eyes of the galactic senate, an organization that runs everything. Including space taxes. I mean, you could just claim they never got there. Nute Gunray:
I know nothing of any ambassadors. Senator Palpatine:
I have assurances from the chancellor the Jedi did arrive. :
But now you've got the burned wreckage of their ship inside your horribly burned docking bay.
First of all, forcing someone to sign a treaty sort of contradicts the purpose of a signature on a treaty. You might as well just forge it if you're going to make her sign it.
If that's the case, why didn't Qui-Gon just steal the part from Watto? He could sneak in in the middle of the night and just take the part, or take it by force. I don't mean that kind of Force, I mean choke Watto while Padme grabs the part and run out of the shop. Basically, it's the same as trying to trick him into accepting worthless currency for the part. In the end, Watto is just out of the part.
What purpose did Shmi Skywalker serve to Watto? That she cleans her own dishes?
Welcome to Coruscant, home of the mid-air collision... and boring scenes.
Get outta my house. Get outta my creepy house. Don't go in my basement either. Ah, I've been hit!
This also leads me to believe that Qui-Gon Jinn is incredibly stupid. He coulda just went to another junk dealer and used his Jedi mind trick to swap out the Republic credits for money that Watto would take. In fact, when they arrive in town, he says: Qui-Gon Jinn:
We'll try one of the smaller dealers. :
Smaller dealers? Well that implies there's larger ones. Watto tells him he's the only guy in town who's got the part. Watto:
And no one ELSE has a T-327 hyperdrive, I promise ya that! :
Now either Watto is using an older-than-dirt sales tactic, or Qui-Gon can really pick out which shop to go to randomly. Oh wait, I guess midi-chlorians told him where to go so they could find the boy.
Oh and then let's move on to this: what about the idea that Anakin is the one who built C-3PO? This is wrong for so many reasons. I'm gonna list three of them. So the idea is that Anakin built C-3PO to help his mom around the house. Anakin Skywalker:
He's a protocol droid to help Mom. :
But a protocol droid is typically used for ettiquette and protocol. Uncle Owen:
You. I suppose you're programmed for etiquette and protocol? :
They're basically like robot diplomats and not very handly technically. C-3PO:
I am C-3PO, human cyborg relations. :
He says he's human cyborg relations. He doesn't say he cleans dishes. C-3PO is clumsy, awkward and useless, unless you need someone to translate a language. C-3PO:
[from A New Hope] I'm not much more than an interpreter. :
Plus his arms don't even bend. What the fuck is he supposed to help the mom with? A vacuum would've been a better thing to build, or maybe a vibrator. 'Cause it seems like the only action Shmi was getting was with the force. Hey, maybe that's why they call it "the force." Ha, rape jokes. I love 'em.
See, in most movies, the audience needs a character to connect with. Typically this character is what's known as a "proto-gone-ist." When you're in a weird movie with, like, aliens, monsters and weirdos, the audience really needs someone who's like a normal person like them to guide them through the story. Now of course, this doesn't apply to EVERY movie, but it works best in the sci-fi, superhero, action and fantasy genres. I picked a few examples to help illustrate this point: Marty McFly, John McClane, Billy Peltzer, Sarah Connor, Neo, Charlie Bucket, Peter Parker, Cliff Secord, Johnny Rico, Rocky Balboa, and Kevin Bacon.
So unless you're the Coen Brothers, David Lynch, Paul Thomas Anderson, Stanley Kubrick, Alfred Hitchcock, Lars von Trier, David Cronenberg, Gus Van Sant, Quentin Tarantino, John Waters, Wes Anderson, Sam Peckinpah, Terry Gilliam, Martin Scorsese, Werner Herzog, or Jim Jarmusch, you really shouldn't stray away too far from this kind of formula. Especially if you're making a movie that's aimed at children that has a cartoon rabbit in it that steps in the poopy.
Now I've analyzed this movie with a team of cheerleaders, who all came to one unanimous conclusion: that if I let them go, they won't tell nobody.
Again, it's like poetry, so that they rhyme. :
Yes, George, that's true. But the only thing poetic here is that I was vomiting in stanzas. I don't even know what that means.
(2010) (V)
Baby's Day Out is about as interesting as my taint.
[repeated line] :
Fuck the pain away.
You see, Baby's Day Out was clearly modeled after the success of Home Alone. And when I say modeled, I mean RIPPED OFF!
The Milwaukee Mob couldn't kill me... :
The Milwaukee Mob? What the fuck does that mean?
Anybody wanna help me milk my cock?
[shows a picture of a chicken]
When will I get my merkins in the mail?
[on the phone] I wanna check on a separate order I placed about a week ago. It was for about 16 merkins. Item #568, salt and pepper, extra absorbent. Brian:
Okay... I am showing those as shipped and received. Are you sure you didn't get those, sir? :
Hmm, I'll have to look around. Sometimes my cat opens my mail. But I don't know what my cat would want with a box full of merkins. Brian:
Maybe your cat mistook them for cat toys. :
I guess that's possible. Anything is possible with Bush in the White House.
Okay, let's confirm: we have two dozen new hair plugs, 16 salt and pepper merkins, a box of industrial strength anal lube, 11 rolls of duct tape, 40 boxes of Hefty trash bags, black, 1 C-46 Black and Decker table top saw blade replacement, one case of Raid: fast kill, low irritant, and a DVD titled "Little People Having Big Fun." Will that complete your order, sir? :
Yeah. You guys got my credit card number on file? It's my brother in-law's credit card. It says Rick Berman on it. He said I could use it. You gotta trust me. Brian:
Okay... your total comes to $2,568.00. :
Charge that card.
My cat stole my merkins!
(2010) (V)
Come in. Lock the door, please. :
Ummm. I'd rather leave it unlocked. :
And, I'd rather you didn't. :
*Sighs* Okay. Listen, Mister. I charge more for cripples. :
Be-cause it's more work on MY part. :
Ah, I guess that makes sense.
Eat it. Eat it with your mouth.
Oh, here. You're probably going to need this biohazard kit. It's very likely that the tomato paste has aids in it.
Looking for something asshole? :
No, Mr. Rowley left his checkbook. :
Well good for that grits eating motherfucker.
Eat lead, Commies!
Good evening and welcome to my hidden basement lair.
I vowed to stop at nothing to bring them back. Well, except my other two sons, I guess they're fucked.
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