moreorsmness
orsmupdate -17.00
Welcome to all bitches are cunts but not all cunts are bitches.
I've been sort of complaining lately that things are
quiet and un. Not this week. There's been a constant vibe of whatever
at every turn. At times has felt a little like the world is falling apart but
that could be the sleep deprivation talking. That's how sick toddlers roll
though. I think we're going on week 4 of a poo/spew virus that just won't quite
go away. It returned at 1am last night and subsequently there was a vomit trail
from the bed to the toilet to the bathroom. Have lost track of how many times I've
had to clean and disinfect stuff recently. If anything I'm actually getting
quite good at cleaning it up. Like if there was an award for explosive baby
waste clean-up I'd be a very strong chance. Even the baby car seat... that fucker
used to take me upwards of an hour ** to reassemble after a 'purge'
now I have it back together and secured in about 3 minutes. This dad shit is
easy AF...
-All The SAFE FOR WORK Pics & Vids You See On Orsm Now Load Daily On To Your Favourite Social Network-
Another highlight was the druggo I stopped breaking into our
car. Monday morning, I walked into my office and saw a guy outside on the
driveway. Just standing there, staring at the footpath, not moving. Basically
meth... probably wondering how to get on. This goes on for a
minute or so when he snaps out of his catatonic state and tries the door handle.
I scream for him to fuck off which he does, muttering "I'm leavin', I'm
leavin'" before reappearing soon after walking dangerously close to the
garbage truck emptying bins on our street. Almost
with three of
them, unfortunately moved out of the way before it connected with one. I got on
the phone to the cops as he began casing out neighbours houses and garages,
even rifled through someone's boat. Followed him for a while but the cops never
showed up nor contacted me back so assume he was unsuccessful. On the other hand,
maybe not. The fuckwit rear neighbours, who as you guys know we despise, their
TV disappeared from where it usually sits on the same day. Sure it could just have
been moved to somewhere else in the house but part of me, a big part, hopes they
got robbed...
Next, have been forced to change the Orsm video player.
a polite email from the company who provides the software saying I'm violating
their ToS. Now I'm not that big on watching stats too closely because you go
insane doing so. Numbers go down a bit and you start wondering how you' go up and you suddenly it's a decision of what colour Porsche to buy.
And so on. Did some checking and you guys are indeed wolfing down the videos.
Like fuckloads more than the plan covers. Okay so whilst that makes me
sound like a bad person, I'm actually only using 1 feature of the many I'm
paying for. In other words it probably balances out. If anything it's the wrong
to be using. Anyway they asked
me to upgrade to an enterprise plan and enterprise pricing which *starts* at 20 times what I'm
currently paying... and also includes a bunch more features that I have no use for.
Cant fault a company for trying to, you know, make money from their products.
Also understandable that it's a massive and unfeasible increase. The solution
was to change the player... which I've done... today... with the aid of a surprisingly competent
developer. Despite a minute difference in how the
bar looks, there's
basically no difference but if you guys experience any problems then please
with as much info as possible so we can troubleshoot.
Alrighty then. So much for not writing anything today. I had
a huge bunch of jokes ready to take this bloggy sections place because after
the hijacking that has gone on in my world over the past 24 hours, it
going to happen. Yet somehow it did... so let's quit while I'm ahead. I'll just
say todays update is stellar. Easily the best one to ever come out of the
update incubator. Even better than the one that had all those things that time
which were really entertaining and funny and unforgettable. Remember that? Good
times they suuure were. Check it...
An elephant was drinking out of a pond one day, when he
spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he strolled over and flicked it clear out
of sight with his trunk. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing
aardvark. "Because I recognised it... It's the same turtle that took a nip
out of my trunk 53 years ago". "Wow, what a memory!" exclaimed
the aardvark. "Yes..." said the elephant "turtle recall".
One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in
the blonde's new car.&Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them. The
blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel.&The brunette feared for
her life, but had the courage to ask "What are you doing?!"&The
blonde calmly replied "I'm trying to blow the horn".
The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They
had spent the day discussing the progress the country had made with the
Russians before kicking them out. "They built us a power plant, an
airport, and taught us how to drink vodka and play Russian roulette". The
ambassador looked pained and said "Russian roulette is a dangerous game".
"Right, that's why we invented African roulette, would you like to
play?" "I'm not sure, how does it work?" The African clapped his
hands and six gorgeous black women, all nude, came wiggling in, the diplomat
explained "Choose the one you want to give you oral sex". "That's
a lot better and less risky than Russian roulette..." "Not really.
One of them is a cannibal!"
ORSM VIDEO
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER.
YOU'LL CARE
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female
driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to
the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough
that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does
anything to me in traffic and here's why...
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96
miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so
if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a
new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That
works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to
bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to
something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females,
that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day
of their period. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life
as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all
females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least
one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her
period, and is armed.
Flip one off?... I think not.
WHAT'S BETTER THAN A VAGINA SLIP? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING!
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but
I got canned... couldn't concentrate.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't
suited for it... mainly because it was a so-so job.
Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little
spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was
too exhausting.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool
maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I then attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I
sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
Next was a j I tried but I just
didn't fit in.
So then I got a job in a workout centre, but they said I
wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally
got a job as a historian until I realised there was no future in it. I studied
a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. My best job was
being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I became a
professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always
the same old grind. SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
ORSM VIDEO
A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest
and sees a circus banner reading "Don't
miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Curious, he buys a
ticket and sits through the usual circus acts - animals, clowns, contortionists,
Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the centre
ring. There, in the middle of the ring, is a table with three walnuts on it. In
comes a little old Jewish man, five feet, five inches tall, and barely able to
walk to the table. He unzips his pants, whips out an impressive prodigious
member, grabs it in his hand, and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with
three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly
Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.
Ten years later, the same salesman visits the same little
town and sees the same circus being advertised with the same (now faded) banner
reading "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!" The salesman can't
believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act! So, he buys
a ticket and sits through the various acts, waiting for the big finale.
Finally, the centre ring is illuminated. This time,
instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. As before, old Goldstein
takes forever to make it to the table. He unzips his fly and proceeds to smash
the coconuts with three swings of his amazing schlong. The crowd goes wild!
The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
In Goldstein's dressing room, the salesman tells him he's never seen anything
like Goldstein's act. But, he wants to know why Goldstein, at his age, is now
smashing large coconuts instead of the much smaller walnuts.
"Vell" says Goldstein, wearily "My eyes
aren't vhat they used to be!"
33 GORGEOUS GIRLS WHO KNOW THE VALUE OF A SANDY CRACK
one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever?
Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can
watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't
need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free!
And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because
really is that
brilliant. !
ORSM VIDEO
THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married
men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just
and do eeeet!!
Here's your first question" the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9". "Without
numbers?" The Rastaman says. "Oh, dat dere is easy" and proceeds
to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "You no see
it, mon? Tree and tree and tree make nine, nuh?" says the
Rasta. "Fair enough" says the boss.
"Here is your second question. Use the same rules,
but this time the number is 99".
The Rasta stares into space for a while, then picks up
the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere
The boss scratches his head and says "How on earth
do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees him dirty now! So
it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99. 'You tink I no got
The boss is getting angry as is worried he's going to
have to hire this Rasta, so he says "All right, last question. Same rules
again, but represent the number 100".
The Rasta stares into space some more, then he picks up
the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says
"Ere you go, mon. One hundred".
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if
you think that represents a hundred!"
The Rasta leans forward and points to the marks at the
base of each tree, and says "A little dog come along, seen, and crap by
each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and
dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... so when I start, boss?"
EVER WONDER WHAT THAT GIRL LOOKS LIKE UNCLOTHED...? WONDER NO MORE...
A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a
famous 'new age' holistic doctor, as a last resort.
"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache
just won't go away". The doctor replied "You have come to the right
place. This is what I want you to do - go home, stare at yourself in the
mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra:
"I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache". Do
it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish".
As she leaves the doctor's office, sceptical but curious
at the same time, she tries the manoeuvre in front of the mirror in the
elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really
don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache..." She has barely
said it four times, when she realises her headache is gone.
Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.
"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been
having problems in a certain department... how can I put it..." "When
was the last time you two had sex?" "About eight years ago".
"Send him over".
A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for
her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and
goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch
and starts making love to her, wildly. When he's finished, he goes right back
to the bathroom.
A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her
bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour
of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again. At this point the
wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks
through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror,
fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:
"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my
RANDOM SHITE
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0.
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general,
began to throw his weight around. He was trying to make the farmer
uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket, and as he was doing so, he kept swatting at some flies that were
buzzing around his head.
The farmer said "Having some problems with circle
flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said
"Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies".
The farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on
farms. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse".
The trooper says "Oh!" and goes back to writing
the ticket. After a bit he stops and says "Hey! Wait a minute! Are you
trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says "Oh no, officer. I have too much
respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you
a horse's ass".
"Well, that's a good thing" says the trooper,
and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says "Hard to fool
them flies though!"
OH THE IRONY... AINT IT GREAT!
THE MOST TOYS
CAPITALISM: He who dies with the most toys, wins.
HARI KRISHNA: He who plays with the most toys, wins.
JUDAISM: He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
CATHOLICISM: He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
ANGLICAN: They were our toys first.
GREEK ORTHODOX: No, they were OURS first.
BRANCH DAVIDIANS: He who dies playing with the biggest
toys, wins.
ATHEISM: There is no toy maker.
POLYTHEISM: There are many toy makers.
EVOLUTIONISM: The toys made themselves.
CHURCH OF CHRIST, SCIENTIST: We are the toys.
COMMUNISM: Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you
go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours.
BAHA'I: All toys are just fine with us.
AMISH: Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
TAOISM: The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
MORMONISM: Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
VOODOO: Let me borrow that doll for a second...
HEDONISM: Hang the rule book! Let's play!
7TH DAY ADVENTIST: He who plays with his toys on
Saturday, loses.
CHURCH OF CHRIST: He whose toys make music, loses.
BAPTIST: Once played, always played.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: He who "places" the most
toys door-to-door, wins.
PENTECOSTALISM He whose toys can talk, wins.
EXISTENTIALISM Toys are a figment of your imagination.
CONFUCIANISM: Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no
longer dry.
NON-DENOMINATIONALISM: We don't care where the toys came
from, let's just play.
Little Johnny and two of his friends were sitting on a front
porch one day after school. Billy looked down the street and saw a bright red
Corvette. "Someday I'm gonna be a lawyer so I can buy me one of those
Corvettes" he said.
Robbie looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and
saw a brand new Ferrari. "I'm gonna be a doctor" he said "so I
can get me a fast Ferrari".
Little Johnny looked over at the other two and replied "I'm
gonna learn how to suck dick when I grow up". The other two jaws dropped. "That's
what my sister does, and she owns both of those cars" explained Little
SHANTY got PINK IN SPADES
I don't think we should dwell on this so I'ma just say it... that's the end of the update. :-(
here's a bunch of reasons why your day is about to get a lot better:
-Follow me on the
and the . All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the . Some would say its improper not to.
-Next update will be next Thursday. You could set a watch by it [if you watch only counted days, not time... because that jumpsa round a bit].
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will go on an Islamaphobic tirade to distract you from the fact he is overweight and doesn't want to go on a diet.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you !
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay out of the cunty cold. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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