Note Tips, Wording Examples, Ideas, Suggestions for Thank You, Sympathy,
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Even some Examples!
So you're at a loss for
You've got to sit down and actually write a note?
You can't email. You can't leave a voice message.
No, it's got to be a hand-written note. Help!
The answer is because
although we live in a high-tech society, there are many times when sending a
real, hand-written note in the mail is not only the proper and polite thing to
do, but it is just &the& correct thing to do.
And unfortunately, in
some cases today, buying a pre-worded card and simply signing it, is considered
insensitive. So what to do? It's hard enough if you know the person, but if you
don't know them well, it makes it even worse. What to say?
page is very long. Here's a quick jump to get to special needs:
Bat Mitzvahs
First Communion
Graduations
today's world, we still need to feel in touch with others. And because of this,
we want to be touched with& a& real communication. We want to hold it!
We want to see handwriting!& We want to display it on our mantels and
tables as a sign someone cares about us. We do not want E-mail or E-greeting
And we certainly don't always want a voice mail message. :(
art of writing a note for times such as birthdays, thank-you notes for
Christmas, Bar Mitzvah, First Communions,& or to someone who& helped
you in some way has seemed to have evaporated from today's
society?&Only& those who sent gifts or money during family deaths,
graduations or weddings& seem to write a hand-written card with their gift
or& receive one as a thanks for the gift, today.&
we long to find a friendly piece of communication amongst the bills and junk
mail don't we?
for Writing A Personal Note&
Just to Communicate :)
The key to a good
note is to let the person feel that you are really thinking of them.&
A good note keys into the person it's being sent to and reflects a special
connection.
&(If you're writing to someone
you don't know well, this is even harder. But I'll get to that later.)
1.& Don't write the
note when you haven't got a lot of time to think and write. You need to stop and
contemplate about who the person is you are writing to.& Do not write,
&Dear Aunt.&& It's best to always use the person's name.&
Write, &Aunt Maria& instead.& Or if you are writing to someone
that you know their nickname, write that.& Put down, &Dear
JellyBean& or &Hi There Soccer Mom.&
2.& If possible, try to
connect with someone via an event that you know about that's going on in their
lives. For example start out with:
& Dear Jean,
&&&&&&&&&&
I realize your eyes will be blood shot and
you'll probably fall asleep reading this from lack of sleep, but I wanted to
congratulate you on the adoption of your new baby boy. Happy Motherhood!&
3.& Or focus in on a
person's hobbies that you know about. Or even their weaknesses (i.e. shopping,
chocoholics, gardening, cooking, etc.)& So you could begin a letter with:
&Dear Mark,
So have you crashed any more remote control airplanes this past year? Have you
considered kite flying instead? &
4.& If you're sending a
gift, key into it and explain why you bought it for that person.& For
&Dear Carla,
I decided to send you this &Vanille Cafe&& perfume by Comptoir
Sud Pacficque because the smell reminded me of all the times we sat at Starbucks
where I talked and you listened to all my troubles. Remember?&
5.& If you're living in
two different parts of the country (or world) now, sometimes you don't really
need to write much if something of common interest appears in your paper.&
You could send an article about an old classmate or something and simply say, &I
don't have time to write, but I knew you'd be interested in this newspaper
article.&& You're still making that personal connection
through the article even though you do not write much.
6.& Use lists of
imaginary gifts, as a way of saying that if you could be there you'd be giving
them.& For example:
&Hi Miss Red Nose,&
I hear you've had big problems shaking the Flu bug this year? Well,
I'm wish you a nice big bowl of chicken soup, peppermint tea, and 6 boxes of
Kleenex.& Hurry up and get well because your desk is horrendous with
7.& Sometimes using a
quote helps break the ice to start a note to someone.& For example:
&Dear Sarah,
Mae West said, &I like my men two ways...Domestic and Imported.&
Congratulations on your engagement. But which one is this guy you tell me you're
going to marry?&
8.& Use real and
natural conversation in your note.& Do not write, &Congratulations on
the birth of your new daughter.&& That sounds stiff, dull and rather
impersonal. Instead write something you'd normally say if you standing at her
side such as:
&You just can't beat the smell of newborns to
bring a smile to your face. I'm so thrilled about the birth of _______ (name of
baby).& I'm sure she/he is bringing a big smile to your face right now as I
write this.&
Exception: Do not use such real conversation that your greeting
ends up tacky.
One of my pet peeves in today's society is the word &sucks.&& It
seems that's the only adjective people use. Are we lacking dictionaries and
thesaurus in our lives?
If you're a younger person
and say a friend of yours was killed in a car accident or some other tragedy,
please do not verbally or in writing use the hip language you normally say at a
time like this. For example:&
sorry to hear about the death of your brother. To lose someone at such an early
age is such a loss to everyone, even those who would have known him in the
future. People who drink and drive are idiots. And it really sucks that the
drunk who hit your brother lived and he died. I am so sorry.& Anytime you
want to talk, give me a call.&
You might think that's being
helpful, but when there is a family drama, it's best to say nothing. Or if you
feel you must and are at a loss, then just say,
&Hey, I don't know what to say? I'm overwhelmed!&
9. Try to use a joke if
possible that will work to open up a letter.& This is especially true if
you're going to be talking more about yourself than focused on who you are
writing to.&
For example:&
Knock.& Who's There? Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet who?& Same and Janet
Evening.&&
Rick,& Let me tell you, the blind date I told you about was hardly an
enchanted evening. It all began....&
10.& Closing a letter
all depends on how well you know someone.& Many use &Love.&&
But today that word doesn't really express true feelings and in some cases can
cause misunderstandings. So people often replace love with a lighter
&Luv& as it's not too emotional as LOVE!& Or they will use
&Warmly& or &Fondly& or &Affectionately& or even
&Consider yourself kissed goodnight& or &Imagine being Kissed on
the Cheek Right Now.&
for Writing Birthday Notes
&Birthdays are one of
those days that are always personal to the one celebrating. Depending on what
year it is, it can be just like any other day or a real milestone in a person's
life. (i.e. turning 18, 40, 50 etc.)& So, when writing a birthday greeting
(inside a card or alone) it's important to get in touch with the person you're
sending it to and think about how they're taking the birthday they are
having.& It's also important to consider what's going on in their lives at
the time of the birthday.& If they've just gotten a promotion at work, it's
double fun. If, however, they've just had a close death in their family, they
may not be in the mood for a silly birthday card or remarks about getting old
and dying.
It's also important to
take into account *why* are you sending this birthday greeting. Do you really
like this person?& Do you feel obligated because it's a relative or
co-worker? Or do you do it because they sent you one?
But the best advice in
writing someone a note on their birthday, no matter how close you know them or
not, is to try to make them feel that they are special, unique and
one-of-a-kind.& Why? Unless you both have the same birthday, in their eyes
they feel& really are special!&&
You can be witty and say, &Age
is just a state of mind. But in your case, your mind is as sharp as ever and
I've always enjoyed hearing your view points, which get even better each year.
This year let's try to keep in touch more.&
Or you could write
something more gracious such as:
the most caring and self-accepting person I know.& You're my
Soul Sister (or Bro Buddy).& I wish you a great birthday and a great year
ahead, especially if I can be a part of it.&
Another angle is not to
remark about the person but about your friendship.
can choose our friends, but we inherit our relatives.& With you, I would
have chosen you as my niece even if you weren't inherited.& We are like two
peas in a pod and I feel we are more friends than family.&
Or you can try to recall a
past birthday and bring it into the present.
time it's your birthday, it makes me remember all the great birthday parties you
gave me when I was growing up.& I especially remember.....&
If it's possible to make
your own card, that is great.& But if you have to go and buy one, don't
just grab the first one you see.& Take time to shop for a card that fits
the person you are going to send it to.& And, no offense to all those
charities that freely send out cards as a favor for a donation.& But to me,
if you send a card that you've received &free& and says some charity
on the back, that isn't really sending a true greeting.& It's more
self-promotion. How?& To me it shows you were too cheap to buy a card and
used a free-bee.& Or, you want to self-promote yourself as a giving person
to Charity X, and yet you failed to take time and money to buy this person a
card (or even a gift). Well, duh?& I seriously do not recommend sending out
those free cards for really any occasion...birthdays, Christmas, condolences,
for Writing& Anniversary Notes
&With so many
divorces, for a couple to accomplish staying together is truly to be
recognized!& And, the longer they have remained together, the greater the
honor.& Life is a journey. It's better if you have someone with you.&
There are two ways to write Anniversary Notes.&&
One is to the person you are married to.
The other is to the couple from your outside perspective.
If you are writing from an
observing viewpoint, then write your note on how the marriage of these two
people (mom and dad, friends, etc.) have looked to you. Or, how it's set an
example for yourself and perhaps others?& Here is an example:
___ and ____,
have made the word &commitment& seem like a walk in the park. The
respect and support that I see you always give to each other clearly reflects
more than love.& It shows intelligence. Yes, it shows that the smartest
thing you ever did was to marry one another.&
Many times a couple gets
married, especially for the second time, that under our breaths we silently
mumble, &It's never going to last.& And yet, it does! So when their
anniversary comes around and you get invited and must bring a gift, what do you
write?& Certainly not, &Boy was I wrong!&
For those whose marriages
seemed doomed for one reason or another (May-September relationship,&
remarriages, interracial marriages, teenage marriage, etc. ) to you or others,
there is only one great way to write a note to them. And that is to rejoice that
they work as a team, regardless of what the opinions of others are.
Here is an example:
___ & ____,
We all know marriage isn't easy.& But you two have certainly shined these
past __ years as one great team in spite of it all.& You've accomplished so
much and created such a great family to be proud of. I wish you many more
victories over challenges ahead. &
___ & ___,
You two have had some rocky times. But no matter what, you're remained best
friends and in love.& You certainly know the secret formula for keeping
love alive.& I just wish you'd share it with the rest of us!&
When writing a note to
your spouse on your anniversary, there are just a few simple things to help make
it a bit warm and personal:
1.& Bring up the good
How you met? Some great date?
2.& Recall your wedding day.
3.& Show Appreciation in all the work and sacrifice.
4.& Bring up some of the reasons you fell in love with your spouse.
5.& If you feel OK with it, get a bit well. risqué. ;)
for Writing Births& ( New Borns) and Adoption Notes
&The basic reason for
writing to the parents is to celebrate this new member& coming into their
family. So, the first thing you need to do is to focus on what makes this baby
special and unique?& Is it the first child? Is it a boy? Is it a girl? Is
it twins? Is it adopted?& Was it on the day it was born that's special?
(Christmas, Leap Year, your own birthday perhaps?) An example:&
&Dear ___ & ___,
So you took both decided to take the big plunge again and dive into parenthood?
And to have (name of baby) born on Leap Year! That only means he/she will be
keeping you young because he/she won't be aging
that fast!& Congratulations to all 3 of you.&
Acknowledge that it is not
only a special time for the parents, but for the entire family to now have a new
member.& If this is not a first child, do not forget the other
children!& Many times a new baby overwhelms everyone and they forget about
the other children in the family.& So include them in the note also. Here
is an example:
&Hi ___ & ___,
I just wanted to congratulate both of you on the birth of _____ and welcome
him/her into the world!& I'm sure you'll have many nights with few hours of
sleep. But that will be small to the many hours of joy and delight that he will
bring the two of you. And, within time (name of child 1) and (name of child 2)
will also love playing with their new little baby sister/brother?&
Most of the time, a note
comes with a gift.& If you find yourself in a situation where you don't
really know the parents all that well, then make the note concentrate more on
the gift than the baby. An example:
___ & ___,
Congratulations on your growing family and the birth of ____.
Every child needs a (name of gift) according to what my mother told me. So in
keeping with tradition, I am giving this to you for ____.&
___ & ___,
How exciting it must be to have a new baby in the house? Since I've never had
children, I was at a loss to know what to get. But the sales clerk just insisted
that this was &The& hottest item for new parents.
I hope you enjoy it and wish you many precious moments with (name of
Unfortunately, there are
some children who come into this world with birth defects, illnesses and other
issues. What do you say? The main thing is to keep your message short and
sweet.& You don't know how the parents are feeling and dealing with the
situation.& Some parents accept a child with a handicap as a blessing from
God and a challenge. Others take it as a punishment.& In either case, it's
a difficult situation.
Here's a an example:
&Dear ___ & ___,
This baby is so blessed to be born into such a loving family as yours. I'm sure
the days ahead are going to be filled with mixed emotions as the challenges are
faced. But I send you my love and prayers.&
for Writing for Rites of Passages:
Bat Mitzvahs, Graduations, First Communions
&The above events are
major turning points in young people's lives. It's easier to write something if
you know the child personally or& are of the same faith.& But what do
you do if you're not Jewish and are invited to a Bar Mitzvah?& Or your not
Catholic and are invited to a First Communion? Or invited to a co-worker's son's
graduation and you've never met him? You have only seen his photo on his mom's
desk? The thing to remember is that these notes are basically for children, not
adults. It's best to just keep them short.& And, I hate to be crass, but
the kids care more about the gifts than what is written in the note anyway.
Here is an example of a
note that can be used for all religious& events above with a little
customizing:
&Dear ___,
You're growing up so fast and turning into an impressive young man/lady. This
holy celebration day will give you memories that will last the rest of your
life. And hopefully these memories will also become cherished by your own
children some day.&
Here is one for a
graduation:
&Dear ___,
It's over! High School is now the past. But consider what your graduation day
really means besides the gifts.& It's the beginning of starting a life
filled with goals that only you can make happen. The world now is ahead of
you.& Face it wisely!&
&Dear ___,
My chest is swollen with pride. My buttons have burst.& You did it!
Congratulations on not only finishing High School, but doing it with such
maturity.... Honor Roll Student, President of ____, playing on the track team,
participating in choir, being in the school play.& You've left your mark.
Now it's time to go out there and leave a new mark on the world.&
I realize that most teens
are not Student Body Presidents, Prom Queens and Kings, etc.& Some just
barely manage to graduate. In those cases you can make the note pretty simple:
We are so proud to see you graduate from (name of school.)
You made it through 4 important years and we're confident you'll make it through
anything else you have to face. Your mom and dad have also been bragging how you
have a rock band, (or are a computer whiz at some game?)& and got an after
school job this past year.&&
Or if none of that can be
applied try..
hear that you've matured into a handsome young man with your father's sense of
humor.&& Or &You have grown into a lovely woman with a good moral
sense of right and wrong.&
for Writing for Passing A Driver's Test or
Getting Your First Car!
I personally feel that
getting your driver's license and getting your first car (maybe not at the same
time!) are also a form of Rites of Passages in our culture today. For those who
have asked me how to send a congratulations to a friend or relative who have
achieved these goals, here are some examples:
&Congratulations
on getting your driver's license!& With this freedom, also comes a great
need for maturity and sensibility as you experience all that driving will bring
into your life.& You now also have something in common with every other
driver on the road.& What is it?& That we all have horrible driver's
license photos that we don't want anyone& else to see.& You have now
become one of us!&
I think we all remember
our first car, whether it was brand new or second hand.& Our first car
represented a public symbol of freedom and maturity.& We have finally
graduated from riding in the back seat of mom and dad's car to being in the
driver's seat ourselves.& Here is an example of a congratulations note:
finally arrived in that time in life when a person goes from a two-wheel bike to
a 4-wheel& ___(name of car)__!
Although a dog may be considered &man's best friend&, your car will
become even
closer and dearer to you, as you share many memories: good and bad.& Take
care of it and it will be faithful to you.&& Trust me when I say, no
one ever forgets their first car. I wish you safe roads and wonderful
memories.&
for Writing Get Well Wishes Notes
&This really is for
those who live out of town or out of state, and can't be by the bed side of
someone that you love or care about.& In most cases of& illnesses,
most of us would be at their bedside and not need to write a note.& The
exception is perhaps a co-worker or business associate that you know on a
superficial level, but want to send some kind of note to.
The first thing to
consider is why they are hospitalized? Is it something like a tonsillectomy . Or
is it terminal?& Will they be in the hospital for a while or out in a week?
In the case of my gall bladder removal, I was out the next day.& There
wasn't any time to send me notes or flowers. :(
If the diagnosis isn't
serious, then perhaps a funny poem personalized just for that person and their
illness? Or a more humorous tone. Here's an example:
It's obvious that you're not compatible with ski slopes, even Bunny Slopes.
We all look forward to having you back at work and hearing you hobble around the
office on those crutches.& Oh, and we've all got are marker pens ready to
sign that cast!
Hurry Back!&
Another way to write
someone who is ill, is to bring up something that you'll miss about them.&
You can say that while they are sick, you won't be getting any of their homemade
brownies that they'd bake for you. Or you miss the chats on the back
porch.& Or, that you wish them a fast recovery because their is no one to
bring the doughnuts to the weekly office meetings.
about people who have a serious illness? Cancer. AIDS, etc.
First of all, although I am a Christian, I find many people using God as a
cliché during times of serious illness. And, to me, it's a bit insensitive. If
this offends some of you, I apologize. But if you are lying in a hospital bed
feeling ill, in pain and discomfort, feeling sad, etc. you don't need to hear
someone say, &Just have faith. God will heal you.&
Hello? You know this! (Well you should.)& It's my own view that preaching
isn't what people need or want when diagnosed with a serious and terminal
So what should you say or
Having been in the
hospital (fortunately for non-serious operation), I certainly know that I didn't
want someone making light of my& medical situation.& Finding humor in
some of it, is fine!& For example, although I was feeling really crappy
(having just had my gall bladder removed) all I kept hearing is, &Boy
you've got great hair.&& And I was connected to tubes and this&
IV contraption I had to take with me to the bathroom even! Then they also gave
me my own pink plastic puke bucket, a pink cup with straw with water, and a pink
breather thingie (long story on why I had to do this every hour.)& My bed
was state-of-the-art and all these electronic adjustment buttons.& So
what's my point?
To create some humor I
literally called myself &Hospital Barbie.&& Imagine if you laid a
Barbie doll on a hospital bed. All that hair would flow all over. Well mine did.
And so I said, &Yes, I'm hospital Barbie. I come with my own electric bed
(needs no batteries), a pink plastic puke bucket, a take-along IV roll unit, a
lung strengthening breather and a 'Get Well' balloon.&
I wasn't joking about
surgery or making light of having 4 painful incisions. I was joking about the
situation!& Fortunately, I knew I wasn't going to die. But what if you do
visit someone who is terminal? Or want to send a card?
First of all, always think
positive!!!& But also be real.& There comes a time when all the faith
and positivity in the world can't stop the inevitable. So if you're sending
someone a card who is& suffering with cancer, that doesn't mean they're
dying. Many people get diagnosed with cancer and live for years in remission and
treatments.
In this case...BE
POSITIVE! And Try to mention a good role model.
For example:
Unfortunately hospital rules won't let me visit you in Intensive Care. But I
want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. And I know someone
one as strong and determined as you have been in life, will be a success in this
challenge you're facing too.
If Lance Armstrong (or any other role model you choose) can do it, that proves
willpower is the best medicine!&
Sending optimism to people
with serious illnesses, is better than sending religious or other clichés like
&Get Better Soon& or &Just pray for healing&&
comments& IMHO.
Sometimes you can avoid
discussing the illness or even the eventuality of death by just focusing on the
present treatment they are going through.& For example:
Rumors are that you're now going through chemotherapy?& I'm sorry to hear
that, but I hope that it won't be for long.& And, I hope that you will soon
regain some strength. Are you up for visitors?& If so, let me know.& I
can come over with your favorite ____ if you feel like eating. &
With some people, they
lose their hair.& This is a sensitive issue. If you are close friends&
you could joke about bringing a fancy scarf for them to try, or inviting them to
go wig shopping or even joking &It's about time
you got a new hairdo!& But comments like that MUST come
from close friends and family or they are totally out-of-place IMHO.
AIDS is one of those
diseases that has so many facets to it. For many years, it was assumed it was
only among gay men. Now we know that because of bad blood transfusions, drug
use, unprotected sex (homosexual or heterosexual), etc. AIDS is a threat to all
of us.& So, judging how someone caught it, is NOT proper when sending any
kind of note.
If you know the person is
gay who has AIDs, the sexuality should not be an issue.
The focus should be on the person's character and what they have achieved or
done in their life.& So far, there is no cure. So we all know eventually
it's terminal.
Perhaps a note expressing
more about their devotion to the deceased rather than on how the person died is
I can't imagine what it's like to watch someone suffer like you did. But not a
day goes by that I don't think about your daily compassion, giving, sacrifice,
love and devotion that you showed to (deceased person.)& I'm sure that the
two of you must have had many intimate chats during His/Her last days that you
can remember forever? It was obvious that you both loved each other very
What can you say?&
Even though you may not approve of someone's lifestyle, remember they are put
here for a purpose. And they are loved by friends and family, as well as God
Here is an example of a
note you could write:
This must be the most difficult time in your life right now.& I hope that
the medications that the doctors are giving you are hel
and, that you get to return home soon.& In the meantime, I want you to know
our prayers are with you.& You've been a great neighbor& (co-worker? )
and I want you to know that there's no need to worry about your plants. I'm
watering them daily.& Your friend (or another neighbor?) ____ is taking
care of _____ (the pet?).& Remember, you are missed and that we all
children are different to write to than sick adults.
Sick children can't get
enough mail and gifts! (Well, really so can't adults!)
When writing to kids, it's OK to tell them that it's OK to cry.& That it's
OK to say they hurt. But also try to let them know how brave they are during all
of this, and that (if it's not terminal) &it won't last forever.& A
good example is if you went through what they are going through. Say you also
broke your arm, or had your tonsils out when you were young.& Let them know
that you survived and there is hope.
If a child is terminally
ill, that's harder.& There is no reason to lie to a child but there is no
point in bringing up the situation.& Instead, misdirection is best
IMHO.& Children love balloons and stuffed animals more than flowers.&
Oh I even love balloons and stuffed animals. ;)&&&
Make the sick child feel
missed, that they are important and that they are loved. If it's possible, give
them a goldfish in a bowl at the hospital.& It's another living thing and
doesn't need much daily care.& If the child is older, you can provide them
with a diary and they can daily write down their feelings and experiences when
there is no one to visit.&&
Finally, if your child is
in a room with another sick child, it's always nice to bring the roommate
something also.& It helps that child also feel he is cared about, esp. if
it comes from strangers. And also not jealous or hurt if one child appears to be
getting more attention than another.& For many reasons some children will
get more attention and gifts. Some come from bigger families who are in the
area.& Other children are put in hospitals where there are specialists for
their problems and the only people to visit are their parents.& In this
case, it's important to make that child feel loved also.
&Let me begin with a
confession.& I hate funerals!& I have since I was a child and was
forced to attend my grandfather's funeral in which they made me kiss him
goodbye. The thought of kissing a dead person just threw me off balance as a
young child!& And, for the most part, I have hated them ever since.& I
also may have the gift of gab in the world, but at funerals I am totally
tongue-tied.&
To say &I'm
sorry& seems so cliché.& And for some reason we don't want to say the
&D& word = Dead.& We use &passed on& or &lives now
in Heaven& or &is no longer with us.&
To have to say something in person at a wake or funeral is a lot harder than in
a note IMHO.& But one of the phrases I usually say at a funeral to the
grieving family is:
Funerals just paralyze me& because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing.
And, I'm not sure there are adequate words to express my feelings anyway. I just
want you to know that if there is anything I can do that will help ease your
hurt and fill the void now in your life with (name of deceased) gone, please let
me know.&&
Funerals all make us
realize our own vulnerability, and those we love also.& But I don't think
it's proper to use a person's age as a way of consoling.& I mean, &He
was only 24, such a young age to end a life. That's so sad.&&
or &Well, grandpa was 92 and he had a full
life.&&& To me, age isn't a consoling fact in any
death. To lose someone you love is the focus, not how old they were.
And everyone feels that
their pain at this time is THE PAIN OF ALL PAINS. And that no one
understands.& That's probably true in a lot of cases.& Up until these
past few years I had no idea what it was like to lose anyone.& But suddenly
in 10 months I lost both my father and mother.& I did know what it was like
to lose a pet. Is that the same?
I think that when you lose
someone you love, to YOU it's a personal emptiness in your world. To everyone
else it's just a social loss.
So when you write to
someone who has lost someone close, keep in mind that to them it's as if they
lost an arm or a leg.& It's very personal for them.& For you it might
be just a matter of not seeing them at Christmas anymore. Or not seeing them out
working in their garden. Or not having a golf partner anymore.
If you are writing a note
then try to comment about something that made that person so memorable to you.
Do not focus on how they died, but on how they lived!& Here are some
wanted you to know that when I heard about the death of your Mother I was so
saddened.& She always had such a great smile every time I saw her.&
And her canned raspberry-peach jam was the best I've ever tasted.& I will
miss her and remember her at breakfast when I can no longer taste her
preserves.&
I know that your dad was very proud of you.& I don't know what brought a
brighter smile to his face?& You or when& he would yell
&Bingo!& at our weekly games at the American Legion.& His passing
will be a real loss to all of us who knew him.& He was a special man with a
special love of life.&
Some of the relatives I
have, were totally insensitive in my situation. This is why I decided to present
this page.& When someone dies, it's NO ONE's FAULT!&& (Unless it
was murder or some suspicious circumstances?)& But it's not anyone's fault
a person gets cancer or has a stroke.& So to lash out at relatives because
you are hurt, only creates more hurtful memories and does not help anyone.&
I know, because I had some pretty tacky things said to me insensitively for many
reasons.& The main one was from a relative who was angry that my Dad died.
She couldn't yell at my Dad, so she yelled at me. Transference -- pooh!& It
hurt and I'll never forget the verbal poison I got hit with unfairly. This
person not only lost a person dear to them, they lost my respect (well, so did
several other family members I had not seen in years.)
& Another reason for
some tacky remarks was well... to be blunt. ..kissing up!& One death opens
doors for new positions in wills?& (Long story!)&&&And,
death brings forth gossip, which might not always be true. There are always 2
sides to a story. Unfortunately at a time of death, the family doesn't need to
take on the responsibility of having to fill all the voids in all the lives this
person's death has caused. Nor is it a time to try to fix dysfunctional families
In brief, during times of
death, if you can't say anything supportive, then don't say anything. And if you
feel you have to send something, send flowers and have the florist just sign
your name. This way it looks like the florist did it and you had no control of
trying to hand-write a note. No one need know you had no desire to. ; )
But a condolence note to
or from someone is not the time to vent!
about very close friends or Significant Others?
The people who lose
someone that they have been living with for a while, although not legally
married, find themselves in an empty hole.& These can be either a
heterosexual couple or even a homosexual couple.& Suddenly one of them
dies. Unless one of the friends made a will specifically making the other one
the Executor, the friend really can do nothing concerning the burial etc.&
That person's family must take care of it all.& So how do you comfort a
Significant Other who has lost the person he/she cared about, when in the eyes
of the family or law they aren't significant?
I don't know what it's like to lose someone under the
circumstances that you have.
But whenever someone you love is gone, there is always an empty spot in our
I can imagine that you're hurting just like all of us who knew ____.& Those
of us who knew _____, could tell that he/she loved you very much.& I hope
you are surrounded with your own friends and family that can comfort you during
this time.
about Suicide or some Tragedy?
These people suffer from a
tremendous amount of conflicting feelings ranging from anger to guilt.&
Since this page has been up, my example& below has received the most
feedback from visitors.& I've come to the conclusion, that no matter what
you say, it's going to be wrong.& Why?& Because having someone die by
suicide is so personal.& I think it all depends on how they died, their
age, their relationship to the person you are writing to and so on.& All I
can say is, when I put down the suggestion below, it was not to belittle
anyone's grief process or level of pain.
Let me explain....&
To suggest someone seek counseling is not meant to be demeaning.& But, this
has been viewed by some as& just that.& Let's face it, when Dr. Phil
tells one of his guests they need professional help, are they thrilled to hear
it? No. But, there comes a time when &some& people are so overwhelmed,
all the help and love of family and friends is not enough.&& To tell
someone you don't know their pain and feel helpless is a simple statement of
honesty!& It's not to berate their pain at all or to put it on some 1-10
If you have had a death in
the family (in any way) and have received comments that you found stupid, first
consider who says it (I mean, some people do mean to be mean during these times)
and then consider that most people (probably you also at some time) are at a
loss what to say and will probably say the wrong thing.& Saying the wrong
thing in love isn't mean.& Saying the wrong thing intentionally is.
Here is the example I've
had up for a few years.& I, personally do not think it's that insensitive.
Some have written me and said, &I'd never want to have that said to
&Dear ___,
&This should not have happened. You must be numb with shock and immense
pain.&If you want to talk, call me anytime. And, please don't be afraid to
ask for help.& Also, please be aware that there are resources out there who
understand better than I do ab and, are more than ready
with open arms to help you during this time.& I feel a sense of
helplessness, but my thoughts and prayers are with your entire family.&
Let me clarify, it must also
be said that suggesting someone seek counseling or a support group, etc.&
IS NOT a flippant thing.& You must know the person well first of all. And,
always say it (or write it) with a loving nature.& I agree, it's pretty
insulting for someone you hardly know to tell you to go get professional help of
some kind.
on the input I've received here are some more tips for writing Suicide sympathy
First of all, doing or
saying nothing (avoidance) is more hurtful to those that have lost someone, than
doing or saying something that might be clumsy.& Good, caring intentions
mean a lot.& Trying to be perfect isn't important as much as just trying.
However, someone suggested
saying clichés isn't really the best thing.& To say, &I know how you
feel& or &Time heals all things& or &I'm sure he/she is
happier now& will not be helpful.& The survivors run a gamut of
emotions from sadness, to confusion, to anger, to& deep heartache,&
being numb , etc.& I was told the last thing they wanted to hear is that
&time heals things.&
One thing to keep in mind
is try to focus on how the person lived, not on how
they died (regardless of how the suicide was done).& Depending
on how well you knew the deceased, try to write about some happy memory of
them.& It doesn't have to be current, it can be years ago.
Sometimes the person who
commits suicide will leave a note. Sometimes they don't. Even if they've left a
note (and it was mean or being blameful), it's VERY IMPORTANT to let the
survivors know that they did nothing wrong.& Guilt is something that many
of them have and they don't need any &if only& sympathy notes, no
matter how well intentioned.&&
The cliché, &Better
late than never& applies also.& Someone told me that for weeks and
months afterwards, she got notes that meant a lot.& Do not feel that after
a certain time, that they wouldn't appreciate hearing from you. That's not
true.& News trickles in some situations. And, you might not have heard
about the suicide/death for months afterwards.& Regardless of time, do
write and express your sympathy.
Do not avoid the
family!& Many people think, &They won't miss me or notice if I'm not
there.&& Well, they do! Going to the funeral means a lot also to the
family.& Many times people avoid going to the funeral (or visitation)
because of the awkwardness of the death.& If you really can't make the
funeral, then please tell them with an explanation. But, saying nothing hurts.
The family really needs support, regardless of how the person died.
[Note: If I've missed
something and you'd like to make a further suggestion, please write me. No names
will be posted.& My email is on the our main index page.]
for Writing Sympathy Thank You Notes
My stats show (and a few
people have written me in email) wanting to know how to thank people for sending
flowers for a funeral or giving food or money to them when they've lost a loved
one.& Below are a couple of examples.
Here is an example of
writing a thank you note for flowers.
want to thank you for the lovely flower arrangement that you sent to my
father's funeral (or to the house?). The (types of flowers that were in the
bouquet if you know it such as roses, lilies, etc.) ____
only expressed to the family your love, suppo but, they
a great example of the beauty& and fragility of life. Thank you so much.
(or warmly)
If you do not know, or
can't remember, the type of flowers that were sent, just say &floral
arrangement.&
Here is an example of a
thank you note for food.
meant a lot to us to know that you took time out of your schedule to be
concerned about our physical strength during our time of grief.& We
really appreciated the (name of the food) that you brought over to the
house.& It's the&thoughtfulness of friends such as you that
help&give us emotional (or spiritual?) strength& in the days ahead,
as we think of ,and &miss, dad.& Thank you so much.
(or warmly)
Sometimes you just get
more food than you can eat. You don't have to say that you ate it. You don't
even have to say you liked it (unless you really did!). All you have to say is
thanks for giving it.
Here is an example for
those that gave money.
It meant so much to us knowing that your thoughts were with us in our loss. We
also want to thank you for your financial gift to help with the responsibilities
during this time. This isn't an easy time for us right now. But, your generosity
will help ease our burdens.
you so much, (Or With deepest appreciation...etc.)
If you want to put in the
actual amount they gave, just change &your financial gift& to
&the& $50& or whatever amount it was.&
I personally think that
finding the right words to say during a death in the family is one of the
hardest things. Whether you are the family who lost someone and have to say
or, you are the one having to send some condolences, it's not
easy.& But, I think the most important thing to remember is that it's
whether you said something eloquently, it's just that you took time to reach out
and show you care.
Tip Regarding Attending a Funeral or Visitation
I realize this has absolutely
nothing to do with writing notes. But, someone wrote me and shared their
experience and feelings which I feel were very valid.& If you are attending
a funeral, always introduce yourself first!& The family is pretty upset and
can't always remember names. Do not take it personally if this happens.
Also, for many family members some of them have been living out of town for
years.& When they do return to attend the funeral, many friends and family
have aged and changed.& Please do not feel bad if they do not recognize
you.& This is why it's best if you introduce yourself FIRST!
for Writing General Thank You Notes
&Society says that in
some cases, a thank-you note must be sent. In other cases it's not required, but
it's nice.&&
Wedding, Graduation, Bar
Mitzvah, First Communion, etc. do require a thank-you note be sent within 30
days of the event.& Birthday, Christmas, Anniversary presents do not need a
thank-you note.& The exception is unless a party was given for the
occasion.& So if someone threw you and your husband a 25th Wedding
Anniversary party and folks brought gifts, then you'd have to send thank-you
notes. If friends just knew it was your 25th anniversary and sent a gift to be
nice, then you are not technically required to send a thank you. But to keep
your friends, I'd recommend it. ;)
I personally feel that
anytime you get a gift for ANY reason, you should acknowledge it and send a
thank you. I also feel 30 days is a bit long to wait for a thank you and it
should be done within 14 days of the receipt. The two exceptions are weddings,
esp. if the couple goes on a 2 week honeymoon. Or in situations of some
illnesses where the person can't respond with a thank-you note quickly.
& I guess there are
varying opinions on when to respond to wedding gifts? How soon should a bride
and groom send out Thank You notes for wedding gifts?
There are some etiquette
sites that give too much leeway IMHO on this issue. Some etiquette people say
the bride and groom have up to 6 months to send Thank You notes. I mean, please.
In a few months they'll be having a 1 year anniversary. Others say 3
months.& I think this is crazy!& Most people will have forgotten all
about your wedding after a month. (Even some newspapers take too long to put the
wedding announcements in.)
I think young couples
should begin writing thank you notes as soon as they get back from a honeymoon
or get settled in.& Write them while your wedding is still fresh in your
mind.& To me, unless a couple goes on a LONG honeymoon, they should send
out thank you notes for gifts within 6 weeks from the wedding.
And, as far as sending a note and wedding gift,& I do not feel anyone has
up to a year to send a wedding gift.&
You might as well tell the couple, &I'll see if you don't get divorced
first before I send a gift.&& ((roll eyes))& If you are sent an
invitation to a wedding,& then bring a gift if you go (Tip:& Put the
card INSIDE the box so it doesn't fall off). If you are not attending, then give
a gift no later than 30 days after the wedding has taken place, with a note
included.&&Exceptions are if you purchased your gift from the bridal
registry and that store takes care of delivering the gifts to the
I also think it all
depends on the couple: How old are they? Is it a first marriage for both? A
second marriage and if so, do they have kids? Is the bride pregnant? I know this
sounds a bit tacky, but if the marriage is what is termed &shot gun&
and the bride is pregnant, you're also going to be sending a baby present
own advice: Even if you do not like the couple, even if you do not approve of
the wedding, even if you are not really closely related, etc. SEND A GIFT!
Because brides record all of this in their bridal books. And you do not want to
be listed forever as never sending something!
Otherwise, for the rest of
their marriage, you will be considered unsupportive and insensitive. And who
knows, many marriages work and last that families never approved of. Who are you
So give a gift. If you
don't want to write a note, then buy something from the bride's bridal registry,
where you only have to give your name as who purchased it.
Tips for Writing Thanks
for The Money $
Anytime you get a gift of
money, it seems it's very hard to say thanks doesn't it?& I mean, money is
one of those gifts that can be used for many things, so it's hard to thank
someone for a &potential& gift that you haven't purchased the money
with, right?&
&Well, basically that's
what you do.& If you are given money as a present (Christmas, birthday,
graduation, etc.) then than the person for the money, and if possible try to let
them know how you will enjoy spending it.& If you can't buy something with
it but are going to apply it to other money, then say so.&&
For example, if you're
saving for a car.& Then you could thank them for their kind financial help
towards your future car (or if you know what you want...your new XX.)&
I wanted to let you know that I received your thoughtful financial gift
today.& My heart has been set on getting a new& car for a long, long
time and& this money will be put in& my car fund to help me reach my
goal.& I can't wait to experience the aroma of that &new car
smell.&&& Awe, just imagine!&
again, Love...XX&
&If you are going to
put it in savings, then say something like, &Thanks
for your kind financial gift.& I'm going to put in my savings right now and
hopefully the interest will grow as big as your generosity.&&&
This is just MY own opinion,
but I don't think it's good to thank someone specifically.& In other words,
don't say, &Thanks for the $20.&& I mean, just think of what I
just said and how silly it would sound if you wrote,
&Thanks for your generous gift of $20. I'm going to apply it to buying my
first car.&&& LOL!& Today, I don't think $20 is
going to fill the gas tank up.& A thanks like that &might& end up
implying someone is cheap (and your thanks turns into an insult), when they
really had no idea you were even saving for a car.& See my point?
What's a lot of money and
what's not?& I think that's got to be determined by you.& For some
people, giving $100 to help for college might be considered a nice gift.&
But others, $100 might buy one text book.& I think you have to just
consider the source, the amount and the intention of how you're going to spend
it (if at all) before you sit down and write a thanks for the money note.
how do you write a Thank-You Note?
1.& Think about the
gift!& Was it something you wanted? Was it expensive and you feel funny
accepting it? Or you love it regardless of cost?& Was it not an item but a
service?& Write about the positive and ignore the negative of the gift (if
there is something you don't like.)& If you totally love a gift, well, you
always have an abundance to say don't you! ;)& It's those gifts we aren't
totally thrilled with, or come from strangers that we have a hard time writing
&Below is an example
where you got a sweater but you hate the color.
so much for the sweater.& It is so soft that I feel like you've sent me 100
hugs. When the weather gets colder, I'll definitely have you in my thoughts.
Thanks for your kindness.&
2. Let's say it's something
you just can't stand? In that case, focus on the thought, not the item. Or even
on the wrapping paper! ;)
almost afraid to open your gift because it was so wonderfully wrapped. The paper
and bow were just lovely!& I want to thank you for thinking of me and
sending the _____.& Only you could think of such a gift.& Your
generosity and kindness will always be remembered.&&& ....(If
it's homemade you can add)&& &I'm sure you spent hours to make
this lovely ___ for me.& Every time I use (wear) it, I'll think of you in
&3. Basically, when it
comes to writing Thank-You notes, tell the people what they want to hear.&
Everyone wants to be appreciated.& We always don't buy the right gift, but
it's the time and energy that matters more sometimes.&
4. What about gifts of
money?& Not much to rave about unless it's a huge amount of money is
there?& All you can do is thank someone for their financial
generosity.& If you know& how you're going to spend it, tell
them.& Say, &Thanks so much for the $50 you
sent for my birthday.& Now I have enough money to buy this computer game
I've been wanting.&&& If you don't know what you'll
spend it on, then say something like, &Your gift
of $__ is really appreciated.& It's going to& be put into my savings
account right now and if the economy ever perks up, perhaps it will double in
interest some day.& Let's hope!& Thanks for the money. &
for Writing Hospitality Thanks
you were invited for dinner and everything was terrific, then you don't really
need my help to know what to say, do you? But, what if you were invited for
dinner and the meal wasn't great? Write the Hostess that you were so glad to be
invited and mention an interesting guest you met. Avoid talking about the food
in the note.& As I say, find something POSITIVE! If you did have a great
time, say so.&&
wanted to thank you for including me as one of your guests.& You're a very
good example of what Southern hospitality is all about. Your home is so lovely.
And your guests were such a pleasure to talk to.& I wish I could have
stayed all night and chatted with them all.& We'll have to get together
again, only my treat.&
By saying this, you
promise to reciprocate a meal to them, but you're not obligated to give a total
dinner party yourself if you don't want to.& Or if you were an out of town
guest, you can say &When in ___ give me a call and
I'll treat you to one great restaurant.&&& Some of us
are hostesses and some of us aren't.& But it's often odd for a single
person to reciprocate with dinner parties they've been invited to by married
couples.&&
for Writing During The Holidays
&(Christmas, Kwanzza,
Hanukkah, Mothers Day, Father's Day)
&The holidays,
especially Christmas, are usually when we feel obligated to write. This often
makes it more stressful.& I am guilty of sending an annual Christmas letter
that's typed and printed.& I don't hand write mine.& I just don't have
the time.& I have one friend who does. She writes everyone
personally.& God Bless her!
Holiday writing should be
a time to &Connect& your lives with others. It should not be a
comparing or competition on who had the most successful year.
If you don't want to write
much, send a photo.
&No one is really
obligated to communicate during a holiday if you don't want to.& We all
have bad years.& It's nice to hear from people. And as a Christian, I feel
even hearing the bad news is acceptable. I mean, how do you know what to pray
for if no one tells you what's going on in their lives?
Now, Mother's Day and
Father's Day *might* be considered a got
to communicate or else& holiday. ;)& Mom and Dad could
get upset if they don't hear from you, if not by a card or note, then a phone
call or something. It all depends on how your family is.
When it comes to
communicating with your parents, I think it all depends on if you live close or
far, and how old you are?& And in many cases, how close you are, especially
if there's been a divorce.& In other cases it depends on whether you are
dealing with whether or not to send a card to a step parent.& What to say?
If this step mom or dad
hasn't really raised you then it's hard to say what a wonderful parent they've
been in your life.&&
Here are some ideas for
writing to parents, both paternal and step.
Mom (or Dad),
I think you are the greatest. I know you have faults, but I can't think of any
at the moment.& You deserve much more than this (name of gift or card?) for
all that you've done for me, but it's all that I can afford.& Hopefully, by
the time I become a Mom (or Dad), I'll be able to as giving to my child as you
have been to me.&
Wow! I can't believe that you only get one day a year to be thanked for giving
me 9 months of free womb and board.& So I'm going to make the most of it. I
hope you really enjoy this (name of gift, flowers, etc.). &
&Dear (name of step parent)
Although you didn't become part of my family& until I was much older, I
want you to know that I think you're terrific.& You've been so loving to my
(mom or dad), and shown such patience and support towards me as I adapted to our
new family. I want you to know that I am cherishing each day that I have known
Or if you have a step
parent you're not fond of but you don't want to be rude and need to send
something, here's an idea:
___(name of step mom or dad)
Who says we can't pick our relatives? My (mom or dad) picked you!
Tomorrow might be one of those days where we end up fighting over some silly
thing.& But, I& think you've been brave to accept such family
responsibilities.& And, today I'm& just happy to see you healthy,
enjoying life and making my (mom or dad) happy. &
for What Kind of Paper To Use
&What your note says
is the main thing. But what about the paper it's written on? Should you buy
expensive stationery? Should you just use any note paper handy.& Or should
you just sign a card and not write a thing?
First of all, I think that
if you are sending a card that has a verse, it's always nice to also include a
written sentence or two inside or on the back. And always hand-write the address
or name of the person on the card!& Never type it or use pre-addressed
labels. I know many people keep their address books on a computer program and
can print out labels.&&
With some situations, I
think personal stationary is nice. In other situations, I don't think it
For example: If you're
writing due to a formal event (wedding, Bar mitzvah, funeral, etc.) I think you
need to send a card with a note or use formal writing paper.& If you're
writing for just a birthday, or holiday, cards to me are not necessary.&
It's just the idea to connect to someone on this special day that
matters.&&
If you're sending a gift,
a long letter isn't necessary, just a simply note on a gift card or a small
piece of paper inside an envelope.
If you are writing thank
you notes because you received gifts, I think it all depends on why.& If
you are writing because you are thanking people for wedding, graduation, Bar
mitzvah& etc. gifts, then a formal note or paper is best.
If you are writing to
thank someone for a birthday present, doing something nice for you, or just to
say &hi& to someone and keep in touch, I think any sort of paper is
nice.& In fact, in some cases the more casual the paper, the more enjoyable
the letter can be sometimes.
For example, to keep in
touch with an old friend, write a letter on a garbage bag. Or a roll of plain
paper towels for example.&&
Nothing is more welcome
than hand-made cards also. If you are one who likes crafts, take time to make
your own cards.
The key to a good note is to
make a personal connection with someone!
And to make that connection create a warmth by the person who receives it,
whether it's just to chat, say thanks, send sympathy, etc.
Never write when you're tired
or in a bad mood! Wait.
It's best to have for example, a nice warm belated birthday greeting than one
that's on time and rather sterile and blunt.
Free! For all occasions (even
silly) and some holidays.
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