Seinfeld Scripts - The Voice
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Episode 158 (October
(Scene: In the
Play Now office)
Thomassoulo: George,
you’re not really handicapped, are you?
George: I’ve
had my difficulties.
Thomassoulo: I
saw you running down Amsterdam Avenue lifting that 200 pound motorized
cart with one hand.
George: Mr. Thomassoulo
during times of great stress, people are capable of super human
strength. Have you ever seen the Incredible Hulk, sir?
Thomassoulo: No
George: How about
the old Spider Man live action show?
Thomassoulo: George,
I’ve realized we’ve signed a one-year contract with you,
but at this point I think it’s best that we both go our separate
George: I don’t
understand.
Thomassoulo: We
don’t like you. We want you to leave.
George: Clearer
(Scene: At Monks
Jerry: So you’re
staying at Play Now?
George: Why not?
Pay is good. I got dental, private access to one of the great handicapped
toilets in the city.
Jerry: But they
not you aren’t handicapped, aren’t you ashamed?
George: They’re
the ones who should be ashamed. They signed me to a one-year contract.
As long as I show up for work every day, they have to pay me.
(Elaine walks
Elaine: Hey
Jerry & George:
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!
George: Hello-o-o-o
Elaine: What’s
Jerry: Oh, it’s
just this stupid thing.
Elaine: Well,
I’m sure it’s stupid. It’s not about me, is it?
Jerry: (doing
the voice) No-o-o-o.
George: (doing
the voice) Not at all.
Elaine: Tell me!
Jerry: All right.
You know this girl Clare I am seeing?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Well, he
and I starting joking that when she falls asleep her stomach stays
awake all night and talks to me.
Elaine: How is
it talking?
Jerry: Well, her
belly button is like a mouth. (doing the voice) I’m bored.
Talk to me.
Elaine: Oh I gotta
start taking these &stupid& warnings more seriously.
(Puddy walks in)
Jerry: Hey, look
whose here - Puddy.
Elaine: My Puddy?
But we broke up.
Jerry: And yet
he continues to live.
(Puddy walks over
to the table)
Puddy: Hey Benes,
How are you?
Elaine: I’m
doing great.
Puddy: Great.
(pauses) See ya.
Jerry: Well, that’s
it. You two are back together.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: The bump
into. The bump into always leads to the backslide.
Elaine: David
and I will not be getting back together.
Jerry: Elaine,
breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t
do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times,
and then it goes over.
George: That’s
beautiful.
Elaine: What about
you? You were even engaged, and you cut it off just like that.
Jerry: That’s
different. I didn’t have feelings for those people. But you,
you’ll backslide
Elaine: You want
Jerry: Stakes?
Elaine: 50
Jerry: Dollars?
Elaine: All right.
Witness? (looks at George).
George: Witness.
Jerry: Done.
George: Percentage?
Jerry & Elaine:
(Scene: At Jerry’s
apartment)
Clare: So I’ll
call you tonight?
Jerry: Yeah.
Clare: What’s
wrong with the belt?
Jerry: I went
to the movies last night, I went to the bathroom and I unbuckled
a little wobbly and the buckle kind of banged against the side of
the urinal. So…(throws away belt) that’s it!
Clare: So, you’re
Jerry: Oh yes,
(Kramer walks
Kramer: Hello!
Jerry: Of course
it’s a sliding scale.
Clare: Catch you
Kramer & Jerry:
(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! (haha)
Jerry: (doing
the voice) La la la.
Kramer: (doing
the voice) La la la.
(Kramer is reading
the newspaper at the table)
Kramer: Look at
this, they are redoing the Cloud Club.
Jerry: Oh, that
restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? Yeah, that’s a
good idea.
Kramer: Of course
it’s a good idea, it’s my idea. I conceived this
whole project two years ago.
Jerry: Which part?
The renovating the restaurant you don’t own part or spending
the two hundred million you don’t have part?
Kramer: You see
I come up with these things, I know they’re gold, but nothing
happens. You know why?
Jerry: No resources,
no skill, no talent, no ability, no brains.
Kramer: (interrupts)
No, no…time! It’s all this meaningless time. Laundry,
grocery, shopping, coming in here talking to you. Do you have any
idea how much time I waste in this apartment?
Jerry: I can ball
(Elaine walks
in – how did she come up without the buzzer?)
Elaine: (doing
the voice) Hello-o-o-o!
Kramer: Here we
now she comes in. Now my whole day is shot!
Jerry: Hey, I
called you last night, where were you?
Elaine: (looking
VERY guilty) I went out with a (fake cough) a friend.
Jerry: George?
Elaine: (looking
guiltier) No, no…no.
Jerry: Well, I
was here, that’s everyone (laughing).
Elaine: (laughing).
Jerry: Are those
the same shoes as yesterday?
Elaine: Oh, you
know I wear these shoes all the time.
Jerry: Your hair,
it’s somewhat de-poofed.
Elaine: It’s
the new look. You know Heroin Cheek?
Jerry: Wait a
second, what’s going on here?
Elaine: Nothing,
Jerry: (screams).
Elaine: (screams).
Jerry: You’re
wearing the same clothes as yesterday!!! (pauses) You saw Puddy!
Kramer: Hoochie
moochie. (haha)
Jerry: Hand it
over. Pay up.
Elaine: No! It’s
an isolated, sexual incident. We are not back together!
Jerry: Then what
do you call it? People don’t just bump into each other and
have sex. This isn’t cinemax.
Elaine: It was
no big deal OK? I mean we fooled around, then we went out and grabbed
a little dinner.
Jerry: Ah, dinner!
That’s it, you’re all the way back!
Elaine: Ugh!
Jerry: Sex, that’s
meaningless, I can understand that, that’s heavy.
That’s like an hour.
Kramer: (still
reading the paper) Man, 2.9 percent financing on a Toyota Onedun
(Sp?). That was my idea too!
(Scene: At Play
George: Good Morning!
Co-worker: Go
George: Hi Allison,
that’s a nice dress.
Allison: Don’t
even look at me.
George: Hey Glenn!
Glenn: Hey, go
tell hell!
George: Heard
that one already.
(Scene: At Jerry’s
apartment)
(Jerry walks in.
Kramer is showing his &intern,& Darren around)
Kramer: …So
that’s the bedroom. Here’s the bathroom. If you need to,
you can familiarize yourself with the kitchen…Yeah, go ahead
and look through some of the drawers.
Jerry: And you
Darren: Oh, hey,
I’m Darren. I’m new here.
Kramer: Yeah,
that’s Jerry, you don’t have to worry about him. Why don’t
you go across the hall and get started on that mail.
Darren: Right!
Kramer: He’s
a go getter!
Jerry: Who’s
Kramer: My intern
from NYU. Well, you remember my corporation, Kramerica Industries.
Jerry: Alright.
Kramer: Well,
apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting
some real world corporate experience.
Jerry: But you
only provide fantasy world corporate experience.
Kramer: Well,
this will really free up my time so I can focus on more important
things, like my bladder system.
Jerry: Alright,
it’s time to go.
Kramer: Jerry,
it’s not for people, it’s for oil tankers.
Jerry: (sarcastically)
(Jerry tries to
shove Kramer out the door)
Kramer: You see
the idea is for a rubber ball inside the tanker so if it crashes,
the oil won’t spill out.
Jerry: Actually,
that is not a bad idea.
Kramer: (smiles)
Jerry: Now, it’s
time to go.
(slams door)
(phone rings)
Jerry: Hello
George: (doing
the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (He’s sitting on the floor in his Play
Now office).
Jerry: (doing
the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (pauses) So, what’s going on?
Siege mentality
Jerry. They really want me out of here. They’ve
downgraded me to some sort of a bunker. I’m like Hitler’s
last days here.
Jerry: So, are
you going to leave?
George: Oh no!
I’m vigilant. They’ll never get me out. I’m like
a weed, Jerry.
Jerry: I thought
you’re like Hitler in the bunker?
George: I’m
a weed in Hitler’s bunker.
Jerry: I’m
getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff. (his other
line beeps) I’m getting another call, see ya…(answers
call) Hello!
Darren: Hi, this
is Darren from Kramer’s office. Mr. Kramer would like to schedule
a lunch with you at Monk’s coffee shop.
Jerry: (looking
shocked) Really? When?
Darren: In 10
minutes. Do you need directions?
Jerry: No, I don’t.
Darren: Well,
I’ll call back in 5 minutes to confirm.
Kramer: Yeah,
(Elaine walks
in – again, how did she get up without the buzzer?)
Elaine: Hey!
Jerry: Hey! So,
where’s my money?
Elaine: No money,
I am Puddy free. So, are we eating or what?
Jerry: Oh yeah,
(Jerry calls Kramer
and Darren answers)
Jerry: Hello Darren,
this is Jerry from Jerry’s office. (Elaine is looking confused).
We’re going to be three for lunch. (Elaine is still looking
confused) What do you mean he’s already left?
(Kramer walks
Jerry: Hey, Elaine
is going to come with us, alright?
Kramer: What?
When did this happen?
Jerry: Well, just…
Kramer: (yelling)
(Scene: At Elaine’s
apartment)
(Sitting on the
couch thinking to herself)
Elaine: I am not
calling Puddy. What did I do with my gloves? Oh, I bet I left them
over at Puddy’s. I should call him. I need those gloves. No,
I better not. I’ll call. (looks at table) Oh, look at that!
There are the gloves. I was just about to call. There they are.
That’s funny. That’s really funny. That’s really
really funny. You know who loves funny stories, David Puddy. (Picks
up phone).
(Scene: At Monk’s
George: Well,
Play Now is through playing. They turned the heat way up in my office.
They tried to sweat me out.
Jerry: Do you
have to write all this stuff down.
Darren: Well,
Mr. Kramer is in a meeting with Mr. Lohmase and he didn’t want
to miss anything.
Jerry: So, how
hot did it get?
George: I don’t
know, 120, 130…Then they sent some guys to sandblast for 6
hours. Tomorrow they are putting in asbestos.
Jerry: I guess
you can take anything, but actual work.
George: Bring
(Kramer walks
George: (doing
the voice) Hello-o-o-o Kramer!
Jerry: (doing
the voice) Wel-l-l-c-o-m-e!
George: (doing
the voice) La la la.
Kramer: Sorry
I couldn’t get out of there, what did I miss? (asking his &intern&)
Darren: Well,
after ordering, Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether
or not iron man wore some sort under garment between his skin and
his iron suit…
Kramer: Uh huh…
George: (Interrupts)
And I still say he’s naked under there!
Jerry: Oh that
makes a lot of sense.
George: Oh, shut
Darren: …Then
Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom, at which point Mr. Costanza scooped
ice out of Mr. Seinfeld’s drink with his bare hands using it
to wash up (Jerry is taking a sip of water and looking mad) then
Mr. Costanza remarked to me, &This never happened.& (Jerry
then spits out the water).
(George is looking
pissed off)
(Scene: At Jerry’s
apartment in his bed)
Jerry: (giggling)
Clare: What’s
Jerry: Oh, nothing.
(still giggling)
Clare: What are
you laughing about? Tell me.
Jerry: Oh all
right, this is really dumb, really stupid. We’ve been doing
this silly, dumb voice.
(Clare storms
out of the room mad!)
Clare: So is it
fun humiliating me?
Jerry: No, it’s
not you. It’s your stomach, he’s taking with this funny,
booming, jovial voice. (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.
Clare: So you
think I’m fat?
Jerry: No it’s…
(Darren walks
Darren: Mr. Kramer
says, &hey buddy!&
Jerry: Hey, we’re
kind of in the middle of something here. Would you mind coming back
Darren: Oh yeah
sure, sure. Should we set something up now?
Jerry: (Screams)
Clare: I’m
leaving too.
Jerry: No body
said you’re fat. He’s a loving character, like the Kool-ade
Jerry: No, he’s
just a little bloated.
Clare: Good-bye!
Jerry: It’s
mostly water weight.
(Kramer walks
Kramer: Boysenberry,
the kid is still learning.
(Darren is standing
in the hallway on the phone)
Darren: Mr. Kramer…Dean,
my internship is on line two, she wants to set up a meeting.
Kramer: Yeah,
well nothing before noon.
Jerry: Line two?
Kramer: Yeah,
your phone is line one.
Jerry: Oh…
(Scene: At Elaine’s
apartment)
Puddy: So the
gloves were right by the phone. That is pretty funny.
Elaine: See, this
is what Jerry’s doesn’t understand. We can see each other.
We can see each other every day, but it doesn’t mean we are
back together.
Puddy: I mean
I love just seeing you and having sex.
Elaine: Yeah.
Puddy: Not having
to do all that…you know…work.
Elaine: Well,
either way…
Puddy: All that
calling you, and buying you stuff…
Elaine: David…
Puddy: Caring
about how everyone at work isn’t as smart as you. It’s
Elaine: Alright
that’s it! We’re back together!
Puddy: Oh, no.
Elaine: Oh, yeah.
Puddy: Look Elaine,
be reasonable.
(Elaine kisses
Elaine: Get those
clothes off. You’re going to spend the night and we’re
going to cuddle.
Puddy: What?
Elaine: You heard
me. Strip!
(Scene: At Play
(George is walking
in the hallway to his office. He sees his office has been boarded
George: (whistling)….(laughing)….Alright……OK….
(George goes through
air vent – in his office)
George: (on phone
– calling secretary) Hello Margery, George Costanza. How are
you sweet heart? Listen, can you give Mr. Thomassoulo a message
for me? …Yes. If he needs me, tell him (screams) I’M IN
MY OFFICE! Thanks.
(Scene: At NYU)
Kramer: Dean Jones,
you wanting to talk to me?
Dean Jones: I’ve
been reviewing Darren’s internship journal. Doing laundry…
Kramer: …Yeah.
Dean Jones: …Mending
chicken wire, hi-tea with a Mr. Newman.
Kramer: I know
it sounds pretty glamorous, but it’s business as usual at Kramerica.
Dean Jones: As
far as I can tell your entire enterprise is more than a solitary
man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.
Kramer: And with
Darren’s help, we’ll get that chicken.
Dean Jones: I’m
sorry, but we can’t allow Darren to continue working with you.
Kramer: Well,
I have to say this seems capricious and arbitrary.
Dean Jones: You
fly is open.
(Scene: At Jerry’s
apartment)
(Jerry & Clare
are talking by the doorway)
Jerry: So you’re
sure you’re not still angry about last night?
Clare: No, I’m
fine. Just as long as you don’t ever do that voice again.
Jerry: Never?
Clare: Never.
Jerry: What about
if you’re not around?
Clare: No!
Jerry: So I have
to choose between seeing you and doing the voice?
Clare: That’s
Jerry: I can do
Clare: So what’s
your decision?
Jerry: I don’t
(At the dock or
(Jerry is thinking
to himself – looking quite funny)
(He’s thinking
about all the times him and Clare spent together. He’s trying
to decide if he likes her more or the voice more)
(Jerry knocks
on Clare’s door)
Clare: Jerry…HI.
Jerry: (doing
the voice) Hello-o-o-o. La-la-la. (haha)
(Scene: At Jerry’s
apartment)
George: You broke
up with her? Why?
Jerry: So we could
do the voice. (doing the voice) La-la-la. What’s the matter?
George: I think
I’m getting tired of it. I mean is that all it does? Hello?
Jerry: No, it
can do anything. It can be Spanish. (doing the voice) Hola. Hello-o-o-o.
George: I think
I like the girl better than the voice.
Jerry: Really?
(Elaine walks
in – how does she keep getting up without that buzzer?!)
Jerry: (doing
the voice) Hello-o-o-o.
Elaine: Still?
George: I told
Elaine: Alright,
here you go, choke on it (hands him money).
Jerry: See, never
bet against the backslide. I knew you two would get back together.
Elaine: Yeah,
well not for long. I’m breaking up with him.
Jerry: No, I don’t
think so. I’ve seen you two together. You make each other miserable.
It’s kismet.
Elaine: Double
or nothing.
Jerry: Done.
George: (talking
from bathroom) Witness?
Jerry: You’re
in there again.
George: I think
Play Now is putting something in my food.
(Kramer walks
Elaine: Alright,
I’m out of here.
Jerry: What is
this? (Kramer is wearing jeans that look like it doesn’t fit
Kramer: I don’t
know. I found them in your closet. Ever since Darren left I haven’t
been able to find anything. He took all my clothes to some cleaners.
I’m clueless. (looks at clock) Is that clock right?
Jerry: Yeah. Nine
o’clock.
Kramer: I was
supposed to pick up Newman at the zoo twelve hours ago.
Jerry: (doing
the voice) Good-bye Kramer.
Kramer: Jerry,
buddy, I got to tell you something. That voice is played.
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: So played.
George: I told
(Scene: Hallway,
Darren is knocking on Kramer’s door)
Kramer: Darren?
What are you doing here? The college canceled the internship.
Darren: I don’t
care about the internship. I care about Kramerica.
Kramer: Kramerica
is no more.
Darren: What about
the oil tanker bladder system? We were going to put an end to maritime
oil spills.
Kramer: Probably.
Darren, you go home. Forget about Kramerica.
(Kramer slams
(Kramer opens
Kramer: Well,
you’re still here?
Darren: I haven’t
had time to leave.
Kramer: Well,
I haven’t changed my mind.
(Kramer slams
(Kramer opens
Kramer: Well,
you are a tenacious little monkey. Alright, I’ll do it. Kramerica
industries lives! Let’s get back to work!
(Kramer slams
(Kramer opens
Kramer: Let’s
see what Jerry has to eat.
(Scene: At Play
Now – in the bosses office)
Thomassoulo: You
win George. We’ve had it. If you leave right now, Play Now
will give you six months pay. That’s half of your entire contract.
Please…just go.
George: You see
if I stay the whole year, I get it all.
Thomassoulo: Want
to play hand ball huh? Fine. (calls on intercom) Attention Play
Now employees, George Costanza’s handicapped bathroom is now
open on the sixteenth floor to all employees and their families.
George: Well played.
Thomassoulo: I’ll
see you in hell Costanza.
(Scene: At Jerry’s
apartment)
Jerry: (on the
phone with Clare) Clare thanks for giving me a second chance. Our
relationship is certainly worth more than some silly, stupid voice.
Hold on one second. (George walks in – Jerry asks George) So
we definitely don’t want to do the voice anymore? (George shakes
his head NO) Alright, we’re back together again, great. Bye
(Scene: Hallway
– Kramer & Darren are pushing an oil tank.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Trouble
down at the plant?
Kramer: It’s
a tank of oil. Darren and I are finally going to test out my bladder
George: You have
to drink that whole thing?
Kramer: No. No.
No. It’s for oil tankers. All I need to do is fill some sort
of rubber container with oil and then drop it to see whether or
not it can restrain the impact.
Jerry: I understand
(not really understanding, lol).
George: Would
a giant rubber ball work?
Kramer: Conceivably.
George: Well,
Play Now has all kinds of different rubber balls. Why don’t
we test your bladder system at my office?
Jerry: You’re
George: Oh, yes
I am. Mr. Thomassoulo likes to play dirty. Well, there’s nothing
dirtier than a giant ball of oil.
(Scene: At Monk’s
Puddy: Hey, you
want to split a root beer (I think that’s what he says)?
Elaine: I don’t
think so David, we’re through.
Puddy: Oh…That’s
a nice sweater (Elaine smiles).
(Scene: At Elaine’s
house – the two are in bed)
Elaine: Whew that
was a dozy.
(Scene: At Jerry’s
apartment)
(Elaine throws
down money on the table).
Jerry: Go again?
Elaine: Book it.
George: (again
from bathroom) Witness.
(Scene: At Elaine’s
apartment)
Elaine: David
I know this hurts, but it’s the way it has to be (Puddy is
giving her a look like he’s going to still get some).
(Scene: At Jerry’s
apartment)
(Elaine is placing
money on the table one by one)
Jerry: Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
(Scene: Jerry
and Elaine at the movies)
Elaine: I’m
going to get some popcorn.
(Scene: At Jerry’s
apartment)
(Elaine hands
Jerry money)
Elaine: So, how
did it end?
Jerry: They got
Elaine: uh.
(Scene: At Elaine’s
apartment)
Elaine: Listen
David, I’ve got to run. Can you lend me fifty bucks?
(Scene: At Play
Kramer are pushing the ball of oil – Jerry walks in)
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Did you
bring the video camera?
Jerry: Yeah, I
put a six hour tape in. That should cover the experiment, the arrest,
and most of your trial. Alright, I’ll see ya.
George: Oh, you
might want to stick around Jerry. Mr. Thomassoulo picked the wrong
man to hire because he was fake handicapped.
Jerry: I can’t.
I got to meet Clare.
Kramer: You gave
up the voice?
Jerry: Yeah, I
thought it was stupid. Unless you guys are liking it again.
Kramer & George:
Jerry: Darren?
Darren: Sorry
Mr. Seinfeld.
Jerry: Uh, bathroom.
George: Hey, use
mine. I’ll let you in.
Jerry: I thought
it was open to the public.
George: I uh,
took care of that.
(Both go to the
bathroom, which looks really nice)
Jerry: Wow! Zanadu
. No wonder you’re putting in so many hours. (looks at urinal)
George: I insist.
I’ll fix us a drink. (phone rings – who would that be?)
(Back to Kramer
& Darren in George’s office)
Kramer: Whew.
You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago
that some day I’d be standing here about to solve the worlds
energy problems, I would’ve said you’re crazy… Now
let’s push this giant ball of oil out the window.
(Back in the bathroom)
George: So, check
out my view.
Jerry: Wow! Hey,
there’s Clare. I better go down.
George: Hey, there’s
Kramer & Darren.
Jerry: There’s
the giant ball of oil. Clare’s right underneath that thing.
Clare! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o!
Clare: I don’t
believe this. I am not looking up if you’re going to
do that voice.
Kramer: Bombs
away (Uh oh).
Jerry: This is
going to be a shame.
George: Hello.
Kramer: Well,
that didn’t work. Hey, how about this…ketchup and mustard
in the same bottle?
Darren: Oh that
sounds interesting sir.
Kramer: Yeah.
(Police sirens
– uh oh)
(Scene: At Monk’s
Jerry: Clare won
her lawsuit against Play Now. Gee, Play Now is filing for bankruptcy.
I guess you’re not going in anymore.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: So they’re
not paying you your…
George: No.
Jerry: So you’re
pretty much…
George: Yeah.
Jerry: What ever
happened to Darren?
Kramer: Darren
is going away for a long long time.
Jerry: So Clare
sure looked real funny covered in oil like that… (doing the
voice) Hello-o-o-o I got beamed with a giant ball of oil…
George: (doing
the voice) I’m slippery as an eel…
Kramer: (doing
the voice) La la la.
Jerry: I’m
just so glad it’s back.
(Scene: At Elaine’s
apartment in bed with Puddy AGAIN)
Elaine: See, this
is good. This is the way it should be. You know why are we fooling
ourselves. We belong together.
Puddy: Elaine:
I want to break up.
Elaine: Ah nuts!
Text Copyright
2001, Ivy ).
All rights reserved.
/Seinfeld10 – Ivy’s Seinfeld Page