114网址导航7 Ways to Manage a Break Up and Work Through the Pain
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“Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama
Some breakups are so bad that they make you hate the sunshine. It’s up there gleaming, looking down on you, being all sunny despite the fact that you feel like a slice of hell. The suffering is relentless. The sky is ugly.
The ending of my last relationship was awful. I think it hurt as bad as it did because this wasn’t some random young woman who had just walked into my life. This was someone whom I’d been aquatinted with for years.
I know her family. I had a business relationship with her and we had been performing together as part of a musical group. It also wasn’t my choice to end things.
I once read that the pain of the death of a loved one, the pain of the end of a relationship, and the pain of a child losing a teddy bear are no different. Pain is pain.
And to the one who experiences pain, it can be all consuming and can seem like the end of the world.
I don’t like it when some people think that just because your relationship only lasted a couple of months you should hurt less than if the relationship had been longer. Again, pain is pain. No one has the right to , put limits on it, or qualify it.
Sometimes, it’s hard to imagine that you’ll ever feel better. So, what do you do? You can hate it if you want, resent it, resist it, or wish it wasn’t happening.
The fact is that it’s happening. I wish I could tell you that I’d found the secret to making the healing from the
easier or faster. I haven’t.
I do know that when all of the flirting, smiling, hand-holding, and special times on the couch are over, somehow you have to find a way to put the pieces of yourself back together.
I think the way to do this is different for everyone. Here are some things that I’ve found helpful.
1. Detachment
Far more than a Buddhist concept, detachment gives us the ability to move forward. I’ve had no reason to talk to my ex-girlfriend, so I haven’t. We have no children together and live far enough apart that we don’t run into each other.
Sure, the grieving is painful, but it’s not her job to be there for me during this process to comfort me. There’s no reason to hang out as pals—maybe someday, but not now.
2. Therapy
The thing I’ve most needed during this time in my life was guidance. I needed someone to talk to and someone to check in with. Sometimes, I make up awful stories in my head and I need someone to help me counter them. There are many different modalities out there. Try them all if you want to.
3. Walking
Yes, it seems so simple, but I started walking more. There’s something very therapeutic about putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward. It’s almost a metaphor.
Walking is a great way to get active instead of dwelling in your memories and replaying the ones that hurt. Walking clears the mind. In , Julia Cameron wrote: “We walk out of the door with problems, we return with solutions. ”
Also, I remember my gym teacher in elementary school yelling, “Walk it off!” when I got hit with a tennis ball. I’m walking it off, coach.
4. Mindfulness
So much has been said about mindfulness and present moment awareness. The Internet is full of great resources, and there are probably free meditation groups near you. I won’t go into it too deeply here, but keeping your
and not reliving the past or worrying about the future is helpful. Even Obi-Won Kenobi recommended this.
You can begin with one conscious breathe in this one moment, which is all you ever have. Take some time and feel the breath flowing through you, the rise and fall, the slightest pause.
It’s okay if your mind starts to wander. You can always begin again.
5. Distraction
This might seem like the opposite of mindfulness, and maybe it is. Sometimes though, self-medicating with Netflix is okay. I blew through all of Firefly and both seasons of The Walking Dead. This is guerrilla warfare of the heart. We do what we must to survive. It’s far better than thinking of my ex and the impossibly beautiful way her eyes catch the sunlight.
I’m not suggesting repressing or avoiding your feelings, but sometimes we need a break. Just like a vacation can give us a new perspective on our work, a break from thinking can help us to look at a situation with new eyes.
6. Reading
I binged on books. I admit it. I read books on Buddhism, and Taoism, and Stoicism, all kinds of self-help books. Something about this felt proactive. It was like I was doing homework, like I was taking control of the process, doing all I could to help myself feel better.
7. Creative Expression
Writing has always been helpful to me. I guess that in this, one of my least favorite chapters in my life, with the catastrophic ending of my relationship, it’s no surprise that I started focusing more on my writing.
It’s saved me in ways that even playing music could not. I think I’ll release a collection of my essays sometime soon. Some of them are really good. I’m not saying everyone should take up writing, but creativity in any form helps, even if it’s baking a cake or playing with Legos with your friend’s child. Adele turned the painful ending of a relationship into an album. Go listen to Rolling in the Deep. Seriously.
I hope this doesn’t sound easy. It isn’t. But I hope you get something out of this list or even become inspired to create your own.
Sometimes we have to take great care with ourselves after a breakup, and that’s okay. It’s not so different than recovering from an illness or from surgery. Be
rest if you need to. It takes as long as it takes.
Remember, we are all the same at our core. Everyone wants to be happy and no one wants to suffer.
via Shutterstock
About James Gummer has no idea what's going on and is learning to be okay with that. He writes in Baltimore, Maryland where he also teaches drumming, qigong, and meditation. His collection of essays will be available soon. Visit him at . |
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Looking for ?114网址导航An Open Letter To Anyone Who Cares About Nina Simone
I’m writing this letter to anyone who cares about Nina Simone: her legacy, her artistry, her spirit, her genius, her music, her activism, everything. If you give a good goddam at all about Nina Simone — even if you’ve only heard a few of her songs — then this letter is for you. If you’re here reading this, it’s for you.
I won’t waste time writing to Cynthia Mort or Zoe Saldana and releasing the words out into the public sphere for the chance they might cross paths, because even if that were the case the words would mean nothing to them. What they are creating proves those words would mean nothing, so why waste my breath (or finger taps)? They will not listen.
The issues surrounding this unauthorized film depicting Nina Simone — which we might as well call a biopic since they are naming the thing Nina — are complex and multilayered. The discussions of the issues are as complex as th however, they are important conversations to have and keep having. The most frustrating people are the ones who imply everyone should just shut up and “wait and see” or “leave them alone.” That attitude is not in the spirit of Nina Simone whatsoever. Quite the opposite. Nina was vocal, defiant, a warrior, an activist. She would not have simply shut up and sat down. She would’ve shown up at the studio with a shotgun to speak with Ms. Mort and slapped the makeup off Zoe. So let’s get that straight first. We’re going to talk about this and those of us with strong, impassioned opinions are going to express them.
We will not be silent simply because it annoys those who aren’t in agreement.
Zoe’s complexion (the level of her “blackness”) has taken the forefront in the discussion — her complexion as well as her phenotype/features. We’re going to have to address this since it is obviously dominating the outcry against this project, understandably so. However, I believe this issue is a byproduct of the much larger issue: the total gentrification of Nina Simone. This occurred at the inception of this film, so it’s no wonder the script and casting have come to symbolize the fictionalization of Nina as a person and as an artist.
The script, written by Latin American writer and first time director Cynthia Mort, is based in a series of lies. That is our starting point. Cynthia calls this her “artistic license.” Under that umbrella, Cynthia implies she can do whatever the hell she wants and doesn’t feel compelled to tell the truth. Cynthia has focused her story on Nina’s relationship with her personal assistant, Clifton Henderson, himself a controversial person in Nina’s life. Well before Nina’s death, before talks about a movie, issues were expressed about Clifton’s intentions regarding Nina and his efforts to keep her isolated. He was around Nina for the last few years of her life. He can be seen with her in a filming of Nina’s concert in Brazil in 2000, during shots of Nina being interviewed in a boat (/ninasimone/livebrazil).
Following Nina’s death, Clifton sold his story to Cynthia and that became the basis for this movie. So, a (controversial) personal assistant’s relationship with Nina Simone for the last few years of her life somehow became the focal point of the first ever Nina Simone movie. Moreover, that controversial relationship became fictionalized by Cynthia Mort with her writing the relationship as a romantic one (putting Nina in the role as sexual aggressor and as emotionally needy).
As has been stated before but is worth repeating: Clifton Henderson was a gay man. He was an out gay man. I met him at the Abyssinian Baptist Church in Harlem during Nina’s memorial service. He was neither a heterosexual male nor a man with whom Nina Simone had any kind of romantic relationship. This might be a forgivable “fiction” for Cynthia to slip in if not for how many other fictions and whitewashings are built into this tale. Would Cynthia Mort be pleased with someone rewriting her own history to the point where her sexuality becomes a trivialized inconvenience? It is also the first instance of Cynthia’s script exploiting a marginalized identity by essentially putting “straightface” on an out gay man. This is rather curious since Mort herself is a lesbian and one might wonder how she would feel being rewritten as a heterosexual woman under the guise of someone else’s “artistic license.” Would Cynthia Mort be pleased with someone rewriting her own history to the point where her sexuality becomes a trivialized inconvenience? I guess someone would have to ask her that. I won’t bother.
The story of the movie uses this lie of a relationship as a focal point whereby they flash back to other moments in Nina’s life including other relationships and some of Nina’s musical career. There will also be some mention of Nina’s civil activism, and her “rise and fall.” As Mort has stated, the main focus of the story will be Nina’s romantic life. While this is an interesting (if not minimizing) perspective to take, even this perspective could have been approached in a way that was true to who Nina was as a person, but Cynthia Mort chose not to do so.
Based on all the clues available we can know this with certainty: the first film about Nina Simone is leaving out anything about Nina Simone that made her oh so very Nina Simone.
How, other than the fictionalized relationship being used as a focal and reference point for the script, can we know this?
One – Cynthia Mort has taken it upon herself to lay claim to the story of Nina Simone without consulting with Nina’s own family or estate. They have not been involved in the process whatsoever. No research, no fact-checking, no basic decency of respect by simply including the family. Keep in mind: we’re talking about someone’s mother, someone’s sister, someone’s family. How would any of you feel if a movie were being made about your mother and you weren’t consulted in any way so that the movie had legitimacy, authority, or integrity? Beyond simple respect for the family’s feelings, how can Cynthia Mort write a correct script that reflects Nina Simone if she has not consulted with anyone involved with Nina’s legacy? For the most part, she can’t. (And from a personal standpoint I can say that Nina’s daughter Simone is brutally honest, insightful, and objective about her mother. She does not glorify her mother but does want her recognized for her accomplishments.)
Two – Cynthia Mort is not a black woman. That is a very crucial point here. I am a white man. I know that as a white man I do not have the authority to speak of the black experience because it is not my experience. I cannot and will not speak for black people or assume to know the intricacies of racism as experienced by black people. The privilege and arrogance it takes to do so is disturbing and downright disgusting.
How Cynthia Mort — whom some call a white woman, though I argue first and foremost she’s Latin American — justifies this to herself boggles the mind. While she may consider herself a fan or admirer of Nina Simone, how does she make the leap to giving herself the authority to decide which version of Nina’s life is worthy of telling (or fictionalizing) and the gall to decide who should portray Nina on film? The reason I can’t fathom what Cynthia Mort could possibly be thinking is because the arrogance on her behalf is appalling and I know for a fact I would not take such liberties. I would not completely disregard the feelings of a population whose experience I do not share and therefore cannot speak to with authority.
In other words, we know that Nina Simone is being left out of this project because it’s being fictionalized by someone with good intentions who might think she identifies with the subject but who cannot align herself with the experience because she didn’t and doesn’t live the experience. For her not to acknowledge this fact and not to seek input is proof she does not and literally cannot understand the criticism and outcry coming from so many people regarding this farce of a film.
Cynthia Mort has laid claim to Nina Simone’s identity while disregarding the very people Nina spent her lifetime trying to reach, speak to, and impassion.
Cynthia Mort has laid claim to Nina Simone’s identity under the guise of “artistic license” so she can rebuild Nina in a way that will tell the story Cynthia Mort wants to tell rather than simply telling the story of Nina Simone. She is doing so in order to sell the story to the widest possible audience and achieve the greatest return on the investment of filmmaking. Considering what is involved and what is at stake, that is the very definition of gentrification.
People need to wake up: Nina Simone has been gentrified.
Which brings us to…
Three – If the script and filmmaker and anyone behind the film were interested in telling the story of NINA SIMONE, this entire thing would’ve been different from the beginning and we wouldn’t be forced to look at what we’re now being forced to look at. There wouldn’t be such an outcry and there wouldn’t be so much disgust, anger, pain, and heartbreak.
Make no mistake about it, hearts are actually breaking over this. Nina Simone is a damn religious figure to many, a cultural icon to others. She cannot (and should not) be trivialized, marginalized, or repurposed into a Hollywood commodity.
And because this is what has happened, we have come to the casting of Zoe Saldana.
Discussions over Zoe being or not being “black enough” are the most heated and the most prevalent. While I understand this, I think it only deals with the symptom of what has happened rather than the underlying gentrification of Nina’s identity itself. I would argue that if the script accurately reflected Nina Simone — the true, very real, very raw Nina — this project would’ve taken an entirely different direction and we would not be forced to look at Zoe Saldana in black(er)face and prosthetics. If they were telling the true story of Nina Simone, Zoe would not have ended up in this role — she could not have ended up in this role.
Imagine if you will, telling the story of Nina Simone as a dark-skinned little girl with what are considered African features and phenotype (her hair, her nose, her lips, etc). Imagine this is the focus of the story we are going to tell. It’s not hard to imagine since this IS the story of NINA SIMONE. Anyone who knows anything about Nina Simone knows the manifestation of her race, her features, her sex, and her personality clashed with societal norms in such a way that she struggled against them her entire life and it shaped her spirit and her career. It’s not hard to imagine telling her story using that struggle as the reference point because that was Nina Simone. Given that focus — given the focus on Nina’s fire of a spirit in fighting for beautiful dark skinned and wide nosed black women — how in the world could they have cast Zoe Saldana, only then to darken her and widen her nose?
Can you imagine Zoe all made up like she’s been, playing up on the big screen acting out and singing about Nina being marginalized due to racism, colorism, and her appearance? Can you imagine how much of a parody that would turn into, as the audience sits back and — knowing how Zoe actually looks — becomes so confused by the hypocritical efforts that have been taken to make Zoe look like Nina? Wouldn’t it become an insurmountable distraction from the actual story? Would it even make any sense? Wouldn’t an informed audience wonder why Zoe ever got the role in the first place since that contradicts the entire nature of the movie — the entire nature of Nina’s life — and wouldn’t they sense the hypocrisy? Again, would it make ANY sense?
No, it wouldn’t. And if that were the story they were telling (again, the actual story of Nina Simone), Zoe Saldana would’ve never been cast in the first place for that very reason. How do we know this? Because to recognize the real Nina Simone and tell her true story means that you are cognizant of what Nina fought her entire life and what embittered her. You would be aware of how she was exploited, marginalized, disregarded, ignored, disrespected, and so you wouldn’t continue to do so through the very process of making a film about her. That is, you wouldn’t employ the very same foundations of racism and colorism in order to write and cast your movie.
Some keep implying that anyone against Zoe portraying Nina Simone for not being “black” enough are actually being racist themselves. (Zoe even agreed with someone who called it “reverse racism.”) No. No no no. NO! That is akin to a homophobic person claiming people are being intolerant for not accepting homophobia. Plus, it entirely misses the point.
The very casting of Zoe itself was based in the still present subtleties of racism, colorism, and beauty standards.
The casting of Zoe itself was based in the still present subtleties of racism, colorism, and beauty standards. The fact Zoe ended up being approached for the role (which might make sense considering both she and Cynthia Mort are Latin American), is indicative of the same system that Nina fought her entire life. It shows the entire movie has been misguided from the beginning and Cynthia Mort’s “artistic license” is no more than a spit in the face of Nina’s legacy.
I would also argue this…
People who say that Zoe’s complexion and features shouldn’t matter are ignoring the fact that they are going to such lengths to darken her skin and change her features, thereby proving those things DO matter. Since Zoe was approached for this film, it might make you wonder why she was ever approached in the first place. Given the history of Nina Simone: her pride in being a dark skinned woman with her features while lamenting treatment based on skin tone (give Four Women a listen), plus her desire to inspire younger women with similar features – why was Zoe ever approached in the first place?
They’re not actually making a movie about the real Nina Simone
Oh, that’s right, because of Cynthia Mort’s “artistic license” — and the fact that they’re not actually making a movie about the real Nina Simone and what made Nina Simone oh so very Nina Simone.
We’re not going to stop this movie from happening, and people will continue to claim there’s nothing wrong with it or we should wait and see or we should just stop all the complaining.
Nina recognized injustice, and Nina never shut up.
So should we, and neither should we.
-Aaron Overfield
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Many Faces of Simone
Ledisi on Nina’s Influence
I remember the first time I heard a Nina Simone song on the radio. It was on a public radio station in the Bay area and the song was "Trouble in Mind."
It was a beautiful Sunday and I was sitting in my white rocking chair on my porch.
Her Naked Truth Shocked Me
“When I was an aspiring young artist searching for my voice, purpose, and direction,
my early teachers took note of the fire burning in my belly, and they individually fanned the flame into passion, by introducing me to great
Black women artists who presented their artistry with clarity and unrestrained courage.
One of those great women was the unmistakable, Ms. Nina Simone.
I am eternally grateful to my teachers for this particular introduction."
~Diane Reeves
Nina Simone: To Be Young, Gifted and Black
Nina Simone: Four Women