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美国编辑修改PS示例
美国编辑修改 PS 示例 作者：Teamtalent 搜集整理 PS 原文： Since my time in school I have always known that science and technology was the direction I would take in my studies. It was a fascination that still ca
rries on with me to this day. In my first chemistry class in high school I became conscious of the feeling that chemistry was something I really enjoyed. Since that time I have been down many paths that have led me back to the field of chemistry. The first chemistry course I took in high school was much like any other class. It was not too involved and was geared toward learning the basics. However, I did well and was given the opportunity to take an Advanced Placement (AP) chemistry course, which I lunged at taking. The instructor, Mr. Miller, tasked us with choosing a topic to research throughout the semester, in addition to regular coursework. This was my first real introduction into research. I enjoyed going to the local universities and spending time looking through all the material. Additionally, I wanted to be a pilot for the Air Force. The appeal of flight to me was great, and I spent much of my time devoted to becoming a pilot. Through much physical and mental preparation I made it into the *** Academy. My dream of becoming a pilot was well on its way. I had gone through glider training and soloed in my first aircraft. I also still had a fondness for science and opted for the science and engineering track of courses offered at the Academy. However, after two years there I learned that I would not become a pilot after all. My vision was not up to Air Force standards. It was a demoralizing setback, but one I knew I could overcome. I left the Academy and returned to my hometown school, *** University. My first semester at *** University was a difficult semester during which I did not know what I wanted to do any more. I knew I liked chemistry but I wasn't sure it was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. The military had taught me to persevere in times of adversity, so I stuck with the chemistry program. The chemistry department at the University took me in and showed me what chemistry was all about. I thoroughly enjoyed spending time in labs performing experiments and learning the basics of chemistry. However, I needed more than laid out lab experiments from the books. This motivated me to seek an opportunity to perform research with Prof.***. After speaking with him, he offered me a position in his group doing research on decomposition mechanisms of electro-optic dyes. Taking him up on his offer was likely the turning point in my education as an undergraduate chemist. If not for his personal guidance and help, I doubt I would be where I am today: a young chemist with motivation and a love for chemistry. The research I performed involved finding suitable organic dyes for electro-optic modulators. After gaining some experience in the lab and conducting long hours of research, I was able to present my research at *** Meetings. Networking with other chemists and seeing their research allowed me to see the full value of the courses I've taken as an undergraduate. It was also during this time I decided to make chemistry a career. When I completed my bachelor's degree I had a two year commitment in the Air Force which I am currently close to completing. My time in the Air Force as an intelligence analyst has given me realworld experience which I know I will need in the future. Completing tasks while communicating with many different people in extremely time sensitive situations has provided me with skills that no book or classroom can offer. I think that my coursework and undergraduate research experience at the University have provided me with the foundation for further study as a graduate student. While interested in broad ranges of topics in chemistry, I am partial to inorganic and materials chemistry. My next goal is to attain a PhD in chemistry. I know I am ready to put forth the time and effort to obtain this goal. I believe that the *** University has the resources to allow me to accomplish my goals. Perseverance, determination, and hard work are the keys to being a successful graduate student and I am ready and willing to conquer this challenge. These traits will not only help me in my graduate studies but will carry on in my goals to be a successful student and chemist. 编辑回信： Dear, Your essay was a pleasure to read. You did an excellent job of sharing your life story. I took the essence of your essay and revised its structure, grammar, and style, giving it an elegance and sophistication that will set you apart from other applicants. 阅读您的文章是一种享受。您在文中与读者分享了您的生活历程，写得真不错。我抓住了您文中的精髓 所在，并在结构、语法和行文上进行了一些修改，使文章变的更加高雅和更有说服力，从而使您在众多 申请者中能脱颖而出。 Most of my work focused on restructuring specific sentences to improve the essay's overall flow and rhythm. I made changes to grammar, diction, and vocabulary, added statements to give your thoughts clarity and resonance, varied sentence length to hold the reader's interest, and revised awkward passages as necessary. Mostly, I tried to increase the impact of your words by adding more force and detail to the essay. 我的修改主要集中于重组句子，提高全文的流畅性和节奏感。我进行了如下操作：变换语法、措辞和词 汇，增加了一些语句从而使您的想法表达的更清楚并且前后呼应，变换句子的长度从而使读者不会感觉 枯燥，还有，我对一些糟糕的段落进行了必要的修改。总之，通过增加词语的力度，我使全文变得更有 说服力，同时也完善了文章的一些细节部分。 Here are my specific comments on each individual paragraph of your essay: 下面是我对每一个段落的编辑注释： 第一段 To grab the attention of the admissions committee, I seized upon one element of your original essay--your experience in AP Chemistry--and expanded it into an anecdote. Making your introduction as specific and personal as possible is often the best way to begin an essay. The new anecdote about your AP Chemistry course reveals both your experience and your dedication to chemistry. 为在一开始就抓住录取委员会的注意力，我抓住了原文中一个亮点――您在高中时代当化学特长生的经 历――我把这段经历演化成了一个故事性很强的情节。把一段非常具体非常个性化的描写做为您的第一 段，通常是文章最好的开篇方案。这段演化后的小故事既回答了您是怎样第一次接触化学的，同时也表明了您对化学领域的热爱。 第二段&It 第二段 was not too involved and was geared toward learning the basics.& “学习那些基本的东西对我而言是小菜一碟。” One thing you should not do in this type of essay is downplay your accomplishments. Never admit that a class was easy or that you did not have to work hard to succeed. If a class is worth mentioning in an admissions essay, it should be one in which you worked hard and gained a lot of valuable information. 写申请信时，您不应该对您的成就轻描淡写。永远不要说任何课程很容易，或者您不需要付出努力就获 得成功。如果某一门课程出现在您的申请信中，那么必须是那种您曾经为之奋斗过而且获得了很多收获 的课程，否则，那就干脆提都别提。 In this paragraph, I also put more emphasis on the description of how you were accepted into the *** Academy. This is a very impressive accomplishment and should be given greater prominence in your essay. 在这段中，我还重点描写了您是怎样获得空军军校的录取的。这是一个给人深刻印象的成就，应该在文 中置于更显著的地位。 第三段 You showed strong instincts in mentioning your continued study of science at the *** Academy. It is wise to express the idea that your interest in science persisted throughout your life and that it was not simply a fickle choice when your first option (becoming a pilot) fell through. 您非常本能地提到了您在军校中还继续学习喜欢的科学。您非常聪明地在文中表达了这样一个信息：您 对自然科学的兴趣自始至终贯穿着您的一生，而并不是当您的第一目标（当飞行员）失败后的无奈选择。 第四段 The moment that you discovered that your eyesight would prevent you from flying was clearly a major turning point in your life. In the revised essay, I have included a new paragraph that explains how you dealt with this setback. Describing how you overcame this obstacle shows your character, and it provides a good dramatic moment that maintains the reader's interest. 您突然发现您的视力问题使您不能上天飞行，这显然是您一生中的一个转折点。在修改后的文章里，我 增加了一个额外的段落来解释您怎样面对这个挫折。描写您怎样跨越这个挫折能够体现出您的性格，这 样一段戏剧性的生动的描写能够牢牢抓住读者的兴趣。 第五段&My first semester at *** University was a difficult semester during which I did not know what 第五段 I wanted to do any more.& “我在 *** 大学的第一个学期过的很艰难，我不知道我想干什么，人生目标感没有了。” Instead of giving the impression that you took up chemistry as a last resort, I have tried to soften this message. In the revised essay, I suggest showing that your time at UTA simply made you more convinced that you wanted to dedicate your life to chemistry. 原文总让人感觉， 化学是您无奈之下的选择， 我则尽量淡化这一信息。 在我修改后的文章里， 您在 *** 大 学期间越来越相信化学才值得您奉献一生。 第六段 Again in this paragraph, I tried to play up a major accomplishment that you only casually mentioned in your original draft--your commission as an intelligence officer. Although this experience is not directly related to your intended degree, it does show a high level of responsibility and discipline. 在这段中，我再次重笔描绘了一个被原文一笔带过的成就――您在军队担任情报员的经历。尽管这段经历并不与您要申请的专业直接相关，但是能够体现您高度的责任心和严格的纪律性。 第七段 I rewrote your final paragraph to remind the committee of your strengths and character. In addition, I added more dimension to the description of your career goals. Without specifically addressing your future plans (even if they are subject to change), you do not fully answer the question. 我重写了最后一段，再次提醒了学校录取您的优点和个性。此外，我拓宽描写了您的职业目标。学校录 取方期待着看到申请者对他们的未来做一个具体的计划（即使未来是可能变化的）。 Overall, the revised essay is a clearer, smoother version of the original. I gave your essay the style and detail that will hold the reader's interest and make you stand out as a worthy applicant. Please bear in mind that as an editor, I have a bias to change things rather than to leave them the same. You should read the revised essay carefully and choose the changes that best suit you. 纵观全文，修改后的文章比原文更清晰更流畅。我为您的文章赋予了能够抓住读者兴趣的风格和细节描 述，从而使您脱颖而出成为录取方眼中一位有价值的申请者。同时我要提醒您的是，作为一名编辑，我 本能地想修改一切，尽管有些修改可能不会完美地适合您的具体情况。因此，请您认真地阅读修改后的 文章，自行决定哪些部分的修改是适合您的。 Good luck with your Chemistry Ph.D. 祝您好运！ Sincerely, ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------编辑后的 PS： ： &This semester,& bellowed the teacher as he addressed the room of high school seniors, &I will make you all chemists.& The class let out a collective groan. The teacher continued unfazed. &You will all have to complete a real research project using the facilities of local universities.& Like most of my classmates in my high school Advanced Placement (AP) Chemistry course, I dreaded the huge amount of work that loomed before me. Little did I know that this work would help determine my future. In the months ahead, I committed more time to this one course than I ever had before, poring over chemistry textbooks and working in the laboratory into the early hours of the morning. I always had an inkling that my future lay in science and technology, and this experience proved it beyond question. The methodical laboratory preparations, the interweaving of theory and practice, and the tangible results of a successful experiment all appealed to my disciplined and inquisitive nature. By the end of my senior year, I had developed a solid foundation in the principles of chemistry, and just as my teacher had promised, I was on my way to becoming a chemist. Despite my growing interest in chemistry, I still harbored dreams of becoming a fighter pilot in the Air Force at the time of my high school graduation. Even as I spent my evenings in the laboratory for AP Chemistry, I woke up early in the morning to run and do a routine of sit-ups and pushups. I was preparing for the rigorous physical and mental demands of the *** Academy. Over the course of previous summers, I had experienced the sweeping rush of glider school and had soloed in my firstmotorized aircraft. I hoped for the challenging life of an Air Force pilot and was on my way to making it a reality through sweaty self-discipline and intense mental focus. On one sunny afternoon, I saw a thick letter in my mailbox. I was now a cadet at the Academy. As with all military institutions, the first years at the Academy were intensely demanding. Strenuous endurance tests, high-level academic work, and hazing by upperclassmen made a junior cadet's life extremely trying. Nonetheless, I thrived during these years because I never lost my sense of focus or my love of chemistry. Even as I dreamed of being a fighter pilot, I found my chemistry courses to be highly engaging and challenging. All cadets were given a choice of academic tracks, and I had chosen science and engineering. As in high school, I worked in the laboratory late at night and ran early in the morning. Whenever I got fatigued, I just remembered how close I was to fulfilling my goal of becoming a pilot. After a visit to the ophthalmologist one day, my dreams of airborne glory were abruptly shot down. My vision did not meet the Air Force standards required of pilots. It was a crushing blow, and at first I did not know what to do. Nonetheless, I knew that I was not without direction. Once again, my life pushed me towards studying chemistry. This was a subject that I knew I would enjoy, so I packed up my science textbooks, threw away my flight training manuals, and headed back to my hometown college, the *** University. As much as I had loved chemistry before, my studies at *** University convinced me that I had found the right vocation. I was particularly inspired by Prof.***. Like my high school chemistry teacher, Prof.*** knew that the best way to instill an appreciation for the field was through active research and meaningful laboratory work. He believed that one should never learn from a book what one could learn from a beaker, flask, or Bunsen burner. As soon as I explained my experience and interest in the field to him, he offered me a position in his group doing research on the decomposition mechanisms of electro-optic dyes. The research I performed involved finding suitable organic dyes for electro-optic modulators. After months of grueling work and wise guidance from Prof.***, I was ready to present my research at *** Meetings. Networking with chemists from around the country allowed me to glimpse not only other possible fields of chemical research, but also the potential career options I might want to pursue. Had it not been for Prof.***'s personal guidance and help, I doubt that my future career plans in chemistry would be as clear as they are today. Because of my two-year commitment to the Air Force, I was unable to apply to graduate school directly after college. Instead, I spent two years serving as an intelligence officer. From this job, I have greatly improved my analytic ability, communication skills, pressure management techniques, and patience as a researcher. Like chemists, intelligence officers often have to construct coherent models of reality from incomplete pieces of data. This position has offered me insights and training that no classroom setting could match. Nonetheless, I am ready to return to my first love, chemistry. Although my life has taken some unexpected turns in the last few years, the field of chemistry has been an unwavering companion and a source of intellectual interest. Whether it was discovering research in high school, learning advanced chemical theories at the Air Force Academy, or presenting my findings at meetings of the Chemical Society, the lure of studying physical structures has always guided my decisions. My advanced research in electro-optic modulators and my course work inclasses such as Molecular Orbital Theory have given me the analytical ability, laboratory skills, and theoretical knowledge to excel in a rigorous doctoral program. During my Ph.D. studies, I intend to focus on inorganic and materials chemistry in order to design new materials for use in industry. By a stroke of fate, the weak vision that prevented me from becoming a fighter pilot allowed me to envision my future as a successful chemist.
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